The R-Word

[~ZombieWife~]

So, lately, I've gotten into a bit of a debate about the R-word. (Retarded.) Specifically used to describe something stupid or lame:

For example: "Man of Steel was so retarded."

In the U.S., we still have people who not only think that saying "retarded" in the above way is perfectly okay, but, will get downright bitchy when others frown upon it. Like, someone is trying to take a privilege away that they're not okay losing.

I'm often left wondering if this is still one of those "politically correct" deals, or, if there is some kind of shift happening. (Same with the word "gay" in the same context.)

I have a friend with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and she is wheelchair-bound now and has a harder and harder time with mobility and speech. We were in line at the coffee shop and these two college guys were going on and on about how "retarded" their teacher was for giving them a pop quiz. And she didn't say anything, but geesh, I could see it in her eyes how much that hurt her on the inside.

I grew up knowing not to use that word in that way. (My great-aunt has a child with Downs.) But I struggle sometimes. I feel like people should be respectful, but also don't want to be THAT person who has to make a huge fuss because it's so prevalent.

Why do people get offended when they're confronted with this type of thing? And should people confront them or let it go? I teach my child not to say those things. Should I expect others to do the same? (Not that I would run out and start condemning people publicly or such, but I have a few friends who I've thought about pulling aside and saying, "Hey, can you please not use that word around me?")

Thoughts?

[peterbound]

We say retarded a lot. I just don't say it around people I know that have DD kids.

ETA: Let me add to that. We were giving a station tour one day. Actually let me back track farther than that. I have no problem with the word. Especially when it's used as 'X is Retarded'. I think we are getting waaaayyy to serious about what we can and can't say in the world, and it's making us a guilt ridden, scared shitless culture. Much as I feel 'gyped' is not making light of the plight of gypsy people, I don't feel that when I say, 'This fucking snow is retarded', I am somehow making light of the snow's intellectual development. So I use it in that context. However, I do watch how I use it around those I know are affect by it. The story that caused this change of heart? So we had a station tour one day, and my engineer, a man raised in a much different age, told some parents that we have a 'station retard'. Most fire stations will have a kid, usually one with downs, or some other serious developmental issue, come by all the time. Every station I've been to has one. Makes the kid feel good, makes the guys feel good... as long as it's not too much. This seemed hateful, made me rethink the use of it. The parents weren't pleased by this comment, and I've got to tell ya, it made me feel kind of uncomfortable, because it was actually making fun of the poor kid. After that I try not to call people that have actual DD problems retards. But I do still us it when referring to shit I dislike.

[Angalin]

People get board holidays for using that word here. Just saying.

[kairparavel]

I don't say it as much as I used to. I dropped it accidentally in front of my sister's kids when discussing something with my sister and she rightly lit into me (it was more watching what I say in front of the kids than the wrongness of the term but still). There are some words that were part of my adolescent/teen vocabulary that I still drop on occasion when I really shouldn't and I generally work really hard to not say them or apologize when I do. It hurts no one for me to not say it.

If you're careful to not say it around people that might get hurt, why not take it that step further and not say it around people you don't know might get hurt? Obviously you know there's some negative connotation in there somewhere.

[~ZombieWife~]

Kair, that's the thing, is that it's pretty much part of every kid's adolescent vocabulary, at least it was. I think that kids my child's age will be less inclined to use it because it's not allowed at school here. But yeah. I don't think that teens say it thinking, "I'm going to purposely offend someone." They're just teens.

That said, I've seen the hurt it causes and I guess I've made the decision not to be a part of that hurt anymore.

[GSP]

I have an uncle with down syndrome. I love the guy, and he's always happy to see me.

Years ago, at a family reunion, while playing cards with my cousins (a fun time, but one in which all involved become highly competitive) I blurted out, in plain hearing of my uncle, my grandmother, and more other extended family members than I care to try and count (big assed family), ..........."You retard!" at a cousin who I was into it with.

Nobody said a damned thing, and everything continued as if nothing happened.

I've never felt worse about myself. Needless to say, R-word is expunged from my personal vocabulary in all settings. Do as you will, but I'm done with that word.

[UrdnotNanna]

For me it's not a big problem, because we have to remember that some words have a few meanings. Nowadays "gay" doesn't mean only "homosexual", but also other things like "not manly". The same with the word "retarded". I am very sensitive about offensive behaviour towards disabled people, but I don't find this particular word offensive (much more offensive is calling people "you Down" [which is a common saying in Poland's teenager community, I'm Polish] like having one chromosome less was wrong).

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

Nowadays "gay" doesn't mean only "homosexual", but also other things like "not manly". The same with the word "retarded".

But some of us find that equivalence false and insulting, too. It's that very reason that we try to eliminate that association from our own vocabulary, and would encourage others to consider doing the same.

[Liffguard]

I used to use it freely when I was younger, out of simple ignorance rather than any maliciousness. Then I worked with a guy for a few years who had an autistic brother. He would become genuinely hurt and upset when he heard other people use the word, so I stopped using it around him. And then I thought about why he didn't like it, and the associations created by using it, and I stopped using it at all. Every now and again it still slips out but I'm embarrassed when it does and I do my best to never use it deliberately.

[deleted01]

I try very hard not to use the word gay when referring to something bad. I got pulled up for it on here, quite rightly so, and I guess because generally it's so normal, it's not really an issue. I'm trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary though, as I know it's offensive and I have no wish to offend.

The same goes for words like retarded, I think. I don't use it personally, possibly because I don't hear it very often and so it's just not part of my vocabulary, but also, again, because I know it's offensive and I don't want to upset anyone simply because I'm being an insensitive arse.

[Kat]

I don't use it and it's one of the words my students aren't supposed to say in class. Around 20% of my students receive special education services and don't particularly enjoy being the butt of an equivalence, or implied to be. I nearly lost my shit when after I told a kid to knock it off with 'retarded', he started trying to come up with synonyms that were as, or more insulting. :bang:

[Francis Buck]

I try very hard not to use the word gay when referring to something bad. I got pulled up for it on here, quite rightly so, and I guess because generally it's so normal, it's not really an issue. I'm trying to eliminate it from my vocabulary though, as I know it's offensive and I have no wish to offend.

The same goes for words like retarded, I think. I don't use it personally, possibly because I don't hear it very often and so it's just not part of my vocabulary, but also, again, because I know it's offensive and I don't want to upset anyone simply because I'm being an insensitive arse.

Same. I try not to use either, but most of my friends (and family) use both without blinking an eye, so they slip. I'm probably a lot worse with "retarded" though. I definitely use it without thinking sometimes, but I do try to be at least semi-aware.

[Lummel]

...Nowadays "gay" doesn't mean only "homosexual", but also other things like "not manly"...

Heh, I think it is the other way round. Originally homosexual meant unmanly, ridiculous, weak, shabby, double plus ungood - or rather those were the connotations assumed about those who were homosexual, so when people use gay or retarded simply as a negative word they are tapping into the older, underlying social attitudes consciously or not.

Better find some other words to express irritation, unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

[Garlan Marius]

My first thought for "offensive word beginning with 'R'" was "Republican."

[Seli]

It is one of the words I've probably started dropping from my use when the offence it causes was made clear to me.

Jim Hines wrote a nice parable (?) about it http://www.jimchines...retarded-bunny/

The Wolves, the Pig, and the Retarded Bunny

Once upon a time, a pig and a bunny were walking together through the woods, when up ahead they spotted a wolf in the middle of the path. The wolf was shaking his phone and growling.

“Hold my hand,” said the pig. The bunny reached up and took the pig’s hand.

“The company guarantees coverage everywhere,” complained the wolf. “But as soon as you walk into the woods, you drop to just one bar. That’s so retarded!”

The pig sighed and stopped walking. She looked down at the bunny. From the way his ears sagged, she knew he had heard.

“Would you mind not using that word?” asked the pig politely.

“What word?” the wolf demanded, holding his phone high in the air.

“‘Retarded.’ You see, my stepson is learning disabled, and it’s hurtful when–”

“Sounds like your stepson needs to grow a thicker skin,” said the wolf.

The pig clutched the bunny’s hand tighter. “He came home a year ago, crying, and asked me, ‘What does retarded mean, mama?’ The kids tease him every day on the bus. He won’t say anything in class anymore, because he’s afraid of being laughed at even more.”

“Tell him to stop being so sensitive,” said the wolf. “You’re not doing him any favors by coddling him.”

“Why can’t other people just stop saying hurtful things?” asked the pig.

<snip>

[thecryptile]

I don't use it anymore. I used to, back when I was a kid. Now I know better- if you want to call some one a fool, there a million ways to do it without dragging the mentally disabled into it. Those comparing it with gay are spot-on- both of those words should be used with caution. Neither should be used as an insult.

[BLU-RAY]

Heh, I think it is the other way round. Originally homosexual meant unmanly, ridiculous, weak, shabby, double plus ungood - or rather those were the connotations assumed about those who were homosexual, so when people use gay or retarded simply as a negative word they are tapping into the older, underlying social attitudes consciously or not.

Better find some other words to express irritation, unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

Yeah, this is definitely the case.

I used to say it some. Then I, y'know, grew up and began to introspect about things like word choice, and now I don't say it anymore.

[Sturn]

There is something extremely baffling I've experienced regarding the term. It's not ok to use the term, "retarded", especially when referring to someone who actually IS mentally deficient. I get that. My sister is a teacher, and has been for decades. I've asked her what term is currently used in the school system. She says the CURRENT term used is, "M.R.". When I ask her what that stands for, the answer is, "Mentally Retarded".

WTF?! Using the same logic, it would be ok to call a homosexual an F or a black person an N. Just abbreviate it and it's not offensive!

[Sansa_Stark]

I don't use it to insult anything(I used to but I stopped, same with the word f**). But I don't see why its such a horrible thing to say non maliciously considering it is an actual medical term.

[Honey Badger]

More perception than anything else. I don't use it often, but it is a legitimate word to say something has been retarded, and it's a medical term. I'd hate to see actual terminology get eliminated because some find it offensive. It can go away as a word used to say something is stupid.