Dating 4.0 Everyone is crazy. I am Spock.

[Larry of the Lawn]

To anyone out there doing the online dating thing, I'd just say stick with it. I used Ok Cupid and match.com for about 4 years, and while most of the people I met on there landed in the weird to lousy spectrum, I did meet someone pretty awesome this spring. If you live in a city or something, or you have a large network of friends and acquaintances that helps you generate a large pool of prospective mates, maybe you don't need internet dating, but living in a relatively rural area and being self-employed in construction working mostly with men, my pool of prospective girlfriends was pretty much zero in 'real world' interaction.

For me the toughest part of meeting someone is treading that line between putting your best foot forward and still being 100% honest and 100% you. You don't want to come off as some lunatic with all your idiosyncrasies blaring out into the world on the first date, but you shouldn't be changing your behavior or personality to attract someone or put on a show either.

I got lucky and met someone really cool that I was instantly comfortable around; I guess my advice would be that it is sort of a numbers game, and if after a few meetings you're still wondering about things like "is it okay to call/text right now" or "what does it mean that they haven't gotten back to me yet" you're probably not on the same page and you should think about what you really want and whether or not you're getting it. I truly believe that if you can be honest and comfortable with yourself you will simply attract someone with whom none of the dating 'rules' or 'games' matter. I never really understood them anyway; I pretty much followed the British thing of "drunkenly bang a few times and then see if you want to hang out" most of my twenties and if I still lived in an urban enough place I probably would have continued to pursue that in search of a girlfriend.

If this one doesn't work out I think I'll move to the UK, seems much more straightforward over there.

ps. the stuff from Elder Sister and Guy Kilmore sounds like great advice

[Guy Kilmore]

I know I met my wife through online dating. It is a numbers game and I know the mind frame that I took was I am just looking to meet someone of the gender I am attracted too. I am just looking at meeting new people and I have no pre-conceived notion of where this will end up, be it as strangers, acquaintances, friends, or a couple. Oh and thanks for the props Larry.

[Seventh Pup]

I met my husband through Match. I was really nervous to try the whole online dating thing, I kept picturing "and she was never seen again..." scenarios. For this reason I wanted the people I met to at least have a credit card tied to them. It seemed harder to fake then an email address.

While I met my husband on Match I will say they are very aggressive with their billing, and read all their fine print. Especially if they are running a deal. When I discontinued my membership there after I met my guy, on the exit questionnaire I lied and said I'd met someone else where because I felt like they damn it I didn't want give them a better success rate. Looking back I think my husband was probably worth the extra $60 they took. But at the time I couldn't be so sure.

While on Match I probably met between 10-20 guys, over two times joining spaced a year or so apart. It seemed like either feast or famine. Either there where several possibilities or there were none.

I met a few guys who probably fudged their height bit, and such. I only had two guys who out right lied in their profile, one about age, one about occupation. ( Guy in his late thirties saying he was in his late twenties; guy who had just started pre-reques for a program stating he was actively working in the field.)

In both cases those lies annoyed me. Though I finished both dates, and listened to each date's explanation. The age liar was by far the bigger douche (woman my age just don't "get" me), the job liar was just kind of in a bad space in his life. Neither went beyond the first date.

My usual date for meeting these guys was grabbing a cup of coffee and a walk through a popular park on a Saturday or Sunday early in the afternoon when the parks where full and people watching opportunities abounded. If the date fizzled I still got a walk through the park, and good cup of coffee. It took a lot of the pressure off, and lead to some great talks. I feel like it's easier for me to talk when I am not trapped behind a table and forced to look directly at somebody.

In the end I had to wade through 10-20 guys online; I was the second gal my husband met. I'd had multiple tries, and months of inactivity. He met me with in the first month. So even though we are one couple we had very different experiences with online dating.

Perhaps you will have my husband's experience and meet someone special quickly. Perhaps you will have my experience where you fluctuate between getting tired of it, and being interested on it.

I still maintain that the online dating pool is just the regular dating pool, just bigger and more accessible.

Good luck to all the daters out there. :kiss:

[naz]

I've never done any online dating or other kind of dating service, but I think (as I say from the viewpoint of having been married for 12 years) that if I were ever to try it now, I'd lie about myself, but in the opposite direction.

I'd make myself shorter, fatter, poorer, and more boring, just to see what would happen. I wouldn't lie too severely as to be obvious. I'd just make myself out to be slightly "worse" than I really am. I guess there might be a scenario where that might piss people off, too. (To clarify, I wouldn't do it to troll people... I'd only do it if I was honestly looking to find someone.)

But to all of you online daters... has such a thing ever happened to you? Not necessarily that the other person lied to make themselves look worse, but purposely left out information that might've made themselves look better? For example, if I was well-off, I probably wouldn't say so in my profile. I don't even know what they ask you... do you have to put your income in your profile? That would be weird.

_________

eta: Reading the above, I make it sound like I'm some kind of George Clooney-type that would deign to uglify myself for a social experiment. That's not at all what I was implying. I wouldn't have to uglify myself very much, that's for sure.

_________

eta2: Also - I've always thought that if I were to do an online dating profile now, for reals, I'd get a very good friend (preferably female) to do it for me, just to minimize the self-perception bias. Do any of you do that?

[Guy Kilmore]

I've never done any online dating or other kind of dating service, but I think (as I say from the viewpoint of having been married for 12 years) that if I were ever to try it now, I'd lie about myself, but in the opposite direction.

I'd make myself shorter, fatter, poorer, and more boring, just to see what would happen. I wouldn't lie too severely as to be obvious. I'd just make myself out to be slightly "worse" than I really am. I guess there might be a scenario where that might piss people off, too. (To clarify, I wouldn't do it to troll people... I'd only do it if I was honestly looking to find someone.)

But to all of you online daters... has such a thing ever happened to you? Not necessarily that the other person lied to make themselves look worse, but purposely left out information that might've made themselves look better? For example, if I was well-off, I probably wouldn't say so in my profile. I don't even know what they ask you... do you have to put your income in your profile? That would be weird.

_________

eta: Reading the above, I make it sound like I'm some kind of George Clooney-type that would deign to uglify myself for a social experiment. That's not at all what I was implying. I wouldn't have to uglify myself very much, that's for sure.

_________

eta2: Also - I've always thought that if I were to do an online dating profile now, for reals, I'd get a very good friend (preferably female) to do it for me, just to minimize the self-perception bias. Do any of you do that?

I know when I built my profile, I tried to put pictures of what I was doing in my everyday life and fun activities. They weren't always the most flattering of body shots, but I was always laughing and smiling; and I was with people who were doing the same. I think my goal wasn't really to "sell" me, but to give people a little snapshot of me and if they liked it great; if not then I am glad we didn't burn calories meeting. I used Yahoo personals, there was no mention of income, nor would I share that.

I know that when I dated online too, I tried to meet face to face rather quickly, so I, or the other person, didn't have this imaginary person form in their head that the other person couldn't compete with. I also would give the woman my number to call me in the initial set-up, that way if she dug me after the first date she gave me her number; if she didn't then I could move on. That worked well for me. (I took me around 7 to 10 tries.)

[Isis]

I've reviewed a dating profile for a male friend. I think of you're not having any luck at all or you're not getting approaches from the kind of person you're after then definitely get a second opinion.

[Gillio]

So I think the date went well. He's making me breakfast right now. Yes I'm a huge whore yadda yadda. He's practically picking out China patterns.

as long as its

and not

[brook]

So I think the date went well. He's making me breakfast right now. Yes I'm a huge whore yadda yadda. He's practically picking out China patterns.

The last time that happened to me he moved in on me and I ended up with a horrible marriage and three kids out of. Make sure you kick him out after breakfast :P

[Black Walder]

I've never done any online dating or other kind of dating service, but I think (as I say from the viewpoint of having been married for 12 years) that if I were ever to try it now, I'd lie about myself, but in the opposite direction.

I'd make myself shorter, fatter, poorer, and more boring, just to see what would happen. I wouldn't lie too severely as to be obvious. I'd just make myself out to be slightly "worse" than I really am. I guess there might be a scenario where that might piss people off, too. (To clarify, I wouldn't do it to troll people... I'd only do it if I was honestly looking to find someone.)

But to all of you online daters... has such a thing ever happened to you? Not necessarily that the other person lied to make themselves look worse, but purposely left out information that might've made themselves look better? For example, if I was well-off, I probably wouldn't say so in my profile. I don't even know what they ask you... do you have to put your income in your profile? That would be weird.

I dated a Cupid Girl whose profile included pics from before she joined a gym and lost 20#, and neglected to mention that she was a multi-millionaire, because she had herself convinced that she was looking for "true love." It didn't work out because, despite the above, she kept trying to act like she wanted to be my sugarmama, which made me uncomfortable.

You don't have to put your income in your profile, but saying up-front that I'm perpetually broke as fuck helps to weed out a lot of the false-starts.

eta2: Also - I've always thought that if I were to do an online dating profile now, for reals, I'd get a very good friend (preferably female) to do it for me, just to minimize the self-perception bias. Do any of you do that?

No, but I probably should. One of my exes and her sister made a wager one time centering around their ability to create a fake male profile, and the one she did got more "hits" than my real one.

[Black Walder]

So I think the date went well. He's making me breakfast right now. Yes I'm a huge whore yadda yadda. He's practically picking out China patterns.

I drive actual prostitutes. You don't look like a whore to me unless I literally see you accept money for sex. ;)

Good luck.

[MisterOJ]

I drive actual prostitutes.

By "drive" do you mean let them ply their trade in your back seat while you take them around town?

[Seventh Pup]

So I think the date went well. He's making me breakfast right now. Yes I'm a huge whore yadda yadda. He's practically picking out China patterns.

Fingers crossed for you Mandy. Enjoy the glow of the morning. :)

[Black Walder]

By "drive" do you mean let them ply their trade in your back seat while you take them around town?

Not usually, but if they pay well I'm open-minded.

[Lily Valley]

So I think the date went well. He's making me breakfast right now. Yes I'm a huge whore yadda yadda. He's practically picking out China patterns.

YAY!!! Go Mandy! Hallmark of a GREAT date!

[deleted01]

Him making you breakfast is a good sign! Glad it went well Mandy :)

[Black Walder]

That's... moving a little fast for a first date for both of you, IMHO. You fucked and it went well, and that's great, but I have some very strong opinions about spectrum disorders, and somebody else's kids are nevertheless sacrosanct before you are at least thinking about becoming one of their parents, IMHO. Proceed with caution.

[Greywolf2375]

He had scary clown masks and took pictures of me wearing it and the horsehead mask.

I have two concerns right now. One is that, although I DO think I'm super freaking awesome and it's obvious, I'm not sure he can really know that about me this fast. He disclosed that he has a friend with benefits who he will no longer be seeing and inform her of this tonight. I can temper his superforwardness a bit with my relaxed, casual slow but steady attitude.

My second concern, and I'm much more concerned about this, is how I'm going to go about discussing and dealing with his daughter. I'm not sure how he's going to take my suggestions about her. And I'm not sure I can keep my mouth shut about it. She has a VERY similar spectrum disorder to what my youngest has. The difference is, she hasnt seen the awesome neurologist Alex sees or received years of ABA therapy. So... she's progressed some, but NOWHERE NEAR as much as she could. And the behaviors... well... I'm going to be very hard pressed to keep my mouth shut in the far future regarding therapy if the subject of co-habitating keeps coming up (yeah, he already said we're buying a house LMAO). So I'll have to think long and hard about that. But not saying anything just isn't an option. You could say that it isn't my business, but seeing her behaviors and needs be so close to what we helped Alex with and not help her is a goddamn tragedy... one she and both her parents would benefit from.

So far, his excitement isn't coming off as creepy. It's kinda nice to have someone actually want the same things I do and not be afraid to discuss the possibilities.

Very very happy it went well!

But, it still is only a first date regardless of how well it went. It will be tough, but (I'm obviously not there, so take this with the 2 cents) I would think the relationship would have to be a lot stronger to broach those topics. That's just my perception - you know more about what you guys ahve and haven't talked about, how info is given and received, all the caveats. Just be careful. :)

[Theda Baratheon]

Really glad to hear it went well, mandy :)

[Glaurung]

3-4 days a WEEK?? Sheep. I am not dating!

I am editing my OP to generalize my questions. I really appreciate your input. Job-n-family make this a total impossibility. The only time that type of time commitment has been bearable I was dating a friend. In other words, we spent a lot of time together doing "communal stuff". Watching a movie, playing games, socializing, watching kids, having fun. They were already part of my life.

Otherwise 3-4 "special days" out of 7 is math I cannot do. The very idea makes me crawl into a hole. I pull my skin behind me.

Well the ultimate goal of dating is to find a SO who does become your friend and possibly eventually your family. 3-4 times a week may be a bit demanding at 1st, but not really unusual. Both of you have different priorities..it happens.

As for the not responding to texts....waiting as long as you have to respond is going to throw most people off. This will make him think that you don't like him or didn't enjoy his company...moreso if he's insecure. I'm a person who doesn't really care for texting, but when I was dating most women did not take it too well if I didn't respond to their texts soon and often.

As for showing up at your bar...I'm not sure what to think of that one. It depends on how far away it is from where he lives...if it's not really out of the way then I don't really see anything wrong with it. I had women do this to me when I was single....sometimes I met them and other times I made excuses. I can't say it really bothered me much, but everybody's different. I don't necessarily think this means he had bad intentions or was trying to be a creeper. In general, whether somebody is being creepy is depending on your own criteria for what you see as creepy, and as Isis eluded to, whether or not you like the person.

[Black Walder]

Well the ultimate goal of dating is to find a SO who does become your friend and possibly eventually your family.

I object to this generalization. People's goals in dating are their own.