Dating 19 - Angels, Algorithms, and Alliteration

[1918me]

The professor whose lab I work in once met a student at a free-style rap contest. No joke.

[Er Rn]

For me as a single woman in a small town, it's more about the judging that goes on in these situations. Ya know, going out to bars, drinking, dating, etc can get you branded with all kinds of fun labels. Not that I give one fuck what any of those folks think, but I'd rather not have to deal with that in my professional life.

As for my remark about the grocery store, I've had patients approach me and go on and on about their medical woes and even go so far as to ask that I call in medicines, order labs, schedule referrals, or whatever. Again, shit I'd really rather not have to deal with.

[Inigima]

Oh, yes, I don't love personal/professional overlap either. I just think it is silly to need "time to recover" from seeing your professor changing at the gym or whatever.

[fuseprime]

I saw my High School History teacher at a bar in town one night (she's totally attractive) She ended up buying me a drink, and then hiring me to dig a ditch in her back yard for her future jacuzzi. It was a little weird, I admit, but since she was completely normal about it, I felt comfortable doing it.

[Arkhangel]

Oh, yes, I don't love personal/professional overlap either. I just think it is silly to need "time to recover" from seeing your professor changing at the gym or whatever.

I was joking, I think that was fairly clear. He didn't actually need to take thirty minutes in the foetal position, I think they both just studiously pretended it had never happened for the rest of the semester.

As students at a small graduate institute it's difficult to avoid socialising with TAs and professors, but as Er Rn says, in small communities rumour travels fast. In all seriousness and particularly for female students, there is a reputational risk that comes with not keeping a certain professional distance in those relationships - and, given that the field is also quite small, there is also a risk that that reputation could follow you into your eventual career. On the other hand, networking is important and many of them are genuinely interesting and fun people. That tension of 'how close is too close?' is where the awkwardness comes in, for me at least.

[Lily Valley]

I do find that my students are SHOCKED to see me out in public. Presumably they believe I plug myself in at the office and power down over the weekend. It is annoying.

[sologdin]

i think that most university employee manuals will support me in saying that the best way to disabuse students of those type of misimpressions is to screw their brains out.

[Lily Valley]

Please let me know when you start teaching. I will be watching the paper with glee.

[TerraPrime]

I am blessed with the fact that the types of guys I like are typically not in Venn with the students at my school. Hurray for small blessings. Only a few rare cases where I find myself physically attracted to a student, and only once with that student in my class.

At any rate, congrats to all the folks with positive forward momentum in their dating pursuits. :-)

And now, to share. This really did happen last week:

Him: *unlocks his private pics, which showed both face and dick*

Me: Thanks for the unlock. Cute face and a nice PA.

Me: *unlocks private pics*

Him: "Nice body."

*Note: He had to see my full profile to view the unlocked pics so in my profile, which is fairly descriptive of what I want and what I seek*

Me: "Thanks."

Him: "Love Asian boys always look so young."

Me: *sensing this is not going to end well but willing to give it a shot* "LoL haven't been called a boy for a long while now but thanks. ;-)"

Him: "Your body and small dick make you look like a boy both things I like."

Me: "Why thanks. But we are clearly not compatible in temperament or in sexual interests. Good luck and thanks for the pics. :-)"

Him: "What do you mean"

Me: *decides to be honest, polite, and up front, instead of just ignoring him* "I mean the fact that you're referring to Asians as 'boys' and you emphasize that it's the boyish appearance of the Asian men's physique that interests you. I do not identify myself as a boy. I do not like the sexual tropes associated with Asian 'boys.' I also don't get any sort of sexual excitement or thrill from being seen and interacted with as a 'boy.' "

Him: "Wow you're an angry person. Learn to take a compliment."

Me: *now getting riled up for real* "But I do know how to take a compliment. I thanked you for the words in the spirit that they were meant by you. I just happened to not fit the bill of what you're looking for and I also happen to find your approach both gauche and disrespectful. I think what you meant to convey is that you wish I were more like the type of 'boys' you like, who tend to enjoy being infantilized and told they have small dicks. If I am correct in that interpretation, then I can only commiserate with you that we often don't get to interact with people we'd like to; for instance, right now, I would have liked to talk to a white man who's into Asian men but not for the boyish submissive exotification angle and who has class to not lash out when someone tells them that their pick-up line is not working. Alas, the mutual disappointment here is not enough to build a relationship with. Best of luck to you."

Him: "Fuck you."

Me: "You don't read profiles, do you."

*blocks user*

This is one of the more egregious examples, for sure, but I get this sort of stuff on a regular basis, like once a month at least. I'm sure that to many women out there using dating sites, this type of devolution is even more common. Just goes to show that gay men aren't always more enlightened and more socially aware either. ;-)

[Andrés Garcia]

I've been in an open and occasionally polyamorous relationship with a woman for about seven years now.

Does anyone else here have experience in this regard?

[brook]

You want this thread http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/117275-non-monogamy/

ETA Terra I have no words

[Theda Baratheon]

Aaaaahhh..so the guy I went on a date with a couple months (?) ago just randomly popped up on facebook asking me why I was not interested in dating him, so I politely replied with I didn't think we had any romantic chemistry but we did get along well as friends and he just replied with ''well chemistry can take time'' and I have no idea how to make sure he knows 100% that I am zero percent interested without coming across as a bitch :( :(

I mean he seems nice but he's kinda pushing for a more solid answer than I can reall give him. I can't exactly say ''I didn't fancy you and you're a bit boring'' because that sounds horrible. Aaaaaahhhh. I'm so awkward about this stuff lol.

I also have a crush on a friend in work and only just realised it was a crush and now everything he says I giggle at and I worry I'm acting weird and it's all a typical girly embarrassing crush. :P

[karaddin]

I think at that point you just need to be clear and if unreasonable decides you are mean that's on him. You didn't feel enough to warrant the time investment to see if the chemistry came.

If there were no other issues like distance etc and you actually enjoyed yourself despite the lack of chemistry it might be worth a bit more (like for example it sounded for Luke), but not for this situation where just the circumstances alone were making you uncomfortable.

As for the crush at work... Ive got nothing, but I'm sure its adorable :p

[deleted01]

Theda, I had someone like that interested in me a few years back. He would not take my word that I wasn't keen. He bought me an expensive necklace for my birthday, which he genuinely thought would sway things in his favour. I found it extremely creepy, and had to distance myself from him. Plus, my cat attacked him when he came round one time, and Nala does not randomly attack. I should have taken that as a huge red light.

You don't owe him much more of an explanation. But I understand that these situations can be awkward. Distance and a decrease in communication is what I'd advise, if he doesn't take the hint and isn't happy with just being friends.

[alguien]

Aaaaahhh..so the guy I went on a date with a couple months (?) ago just randomly popped up on facebook asking me why I was not interested in dating him, so I politely replied with I didn't think we had any romantic chemistry but we did get along well as friends and he just replied with ''well chemistry can take time'' and I have no idea how to make sure he knows 100% that I am zero percent interested without coming across as a bitch :( :(

I mean he seems nice but he's kinda pushing for a more solid answer than I can reall give him. I can't exactly say ''I didn't fancy you and you're a bit boring'' because that sounds horrible. Aaaaaahhhh. I'm so awkward about this stuff lol.

I also have a crush on a friend in work and only just realised it was a crush and now everything he says I giggle at and I worry I'm acting weird and it's all a typical girly embarrassing crush. :P

Jesus. That's about as clear and polite as you can be. People are so dense, sometimes.

And Terra... Wow. That guy sounds like a sociopath.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

Terra, I need to be just like you when I grow up. Not want. Need.

Theda, I'm gonna be unpopular for this but I say be willing to be an asshole if you need to. I just dealt with this today. A girl I had previously courted and decided I didn't want to date hit me up and said she didn't understand why I wouldn't date her. She said she was a nice girl, cared about me and felt she was the kind of woman I've described I'm looking for. She said she feels I'm making a mistake pursuing other women.

My response? I told her she was right about being a really nice girl and that she was an absolute sweetheart and that I cared about her too, which is true. And then I told that none of these things obligate her to anything at all and that her time is better spent pursuing someone who's interested because I'm just not interested.

This was over coffee. She was visibly upset because she thought her being candid would win me over (she sad as much), but the world isn't black and white like that. Do I feel bad? To some extent, but only because I'd like her to be happy. I just ain't obligated to be the one to try and make her happy. Not even a smidgen.

[sologdin]

can't exactly say ''I didn't fancy you and you're a bit boring'' because that sounds.

whyever not? if some motherfucker talks three hours straight about which dr. who he thinks is the best one, dude is lucky if you're not reaching for your pistols.

and that's how to phrase it: 'look at it this way: i should be executing you to prevent the spread of your contagion, but i'm letting you off with a warning. this time.'

[karaddin]

I really do think the person not accepting the clear answer is the one being rude, and once someone has been rude there is no onus on you to be polite or protect their feelings.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

I love you, solo.

[sologdin]

LITA, you're a really nice guy, an absolute sweetheart, and i care about you, too--but none of these things obligates you, and your time is better spent pursuing someone who's interested.