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The Dumbest Status Presently On Your Facebook News Feed


Mack Kilimaro

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It isn't a status update but someone on my friends list just made a comment about hoping 'the stalk' comes soon.

I'm pretty sure she means stork

then there is this update

Protect her,fight for her,love her,hold her.but dont make her fall,if u do plan to catch her.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My friendly conspiracy-theory-spambot has been back; most of the email was identical to the last one (beware those agents of Satin!) but a quick skim revealed this new paragraph, shedding new light on the REAL causes of global warming...

The Ice Cap shrinking has nothing to do with Greenhouse gassers or ozone. The reason for the shrinkage is, migrating icebergs spotted heading south in summer pose a threat to shipping and rigs. They are used for target practice by the navy until the iceberg is totally destroyed, so never gets to migrates back to the ice cap in the winter, from whence they came. This deliberate destruction of icebergs has been going on sense the 60’s and still happening today. No wonder the Ice Cape is shrinking.

Probably this vital bit of information has just come out via Wikileaks. Or something.

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My friendly conspiracy-theory-spambot has been back; most of the email was identical to the last one (beware those agents of Satin!) but a quick skim revealed this new paragraph, shedding new light on the REAL causes of global warming...

Probably this vital bit of information has just come out via Wikileaks. Or something.

that makes sense

wait! what ?!? oh god...

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dalThor,

Sigh. The really sad thing is, I actually like this person. :/

Mike Huckabee is the anti-me. He's a social conservative (hates gay marriage) and a fiscal liberal (loves regulation and spending). If we ever met we'd likely destroy each other like a electron and a positron coming into contact.

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Relationship drama is ALWAYS going to be a winner in this game. When you see the following, you know you've struck news feed gold...

I have taken just about all I'm going to tolerate. Someone is playing some kind of game with me, and I've come to the conclusion that the best response is not to play. I've been accused of lying, cheating, and all sorts of other horrible shit - NO MORE!

The story unfolds further over four comments to his own status (which are the first four comments to the status update):

People need to decide right now whether I'm their friend, or this 10-foot tall, red-skinned monster sporting horns, tail, and a pitchfork, as I've been portrayed to be. Yes, I have a temper, and yes I could have handled some things differently. But I refuse to be the sole cause for blame in all of this. Others need to take a share of the responsibility too.

You cannot get both sides of the story and then share them back and forth and not expect trouble. This wasn't a threesome, and I know you meant well, but you are not marriage counselor, nor are you a shrink. I know you wanted to help, but you caused more problems than you solved.

For those of you that think there's nothing wrong with me coming home to find the woman I love in another man's lap (FOR ANY REASON - and when we're supposed to be working things out) please get off my friend list.

I won't go into any more detail than that. There has been enough he-said/she-said, and I am SICK of it. I have found somewhere else to stay. I will not kill myself, I will continue to go to work, and I will brook NO interference with my ...life. Any attempts to defame or discredit me, or get me fired (or otherwise interfere with my professional life) will not go without legal response. BACK. OFF.

Sometimes, I love Facebook.

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Not stupid in the slightest. An old friend from HS, while she and her 5 month old son have been struggling with salmonella poisoning, here are her consecutive posts over the past week :

[baby's name] is headed back to the doctor. Please keep him in your thoughts.

For those that are so inclined, please say a prayer or light a candle. Blood has returned.

No, really, this is my life. Ambulance just came to take my mom to the hospital. Don't know what's wrong yet - she couldn't breathe, lips turned blue, vomited all over...Home alone with poopy baby. [Husband] at hospital with mom. Merry fucking Christmas.

Mom is in ICU. Won't know anything until 8:00 at earliest. Haven't slept. Have barely slept for the past month. Seriously need all the good wishes you can spare..

It just gets worse. Mom had a pulmonary embolism. It's touch and go. But wait, [husband] also cut the top of his finger off this morning. They can't reattach it because there isn't enough skin and the bone is fractured. Please, dear god, make this stop.

There is no more to say. She's too tired to fight. I'm too tired to make her fight.

Saying goodbyes

Pulling the plug now...hardest thing ever.

Sorry. I had to share her pain because it is overwhelming me. :frown5:

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REPOSTING: Mr. President - you can call the philadelphia eagles and congratulate them for giving Vick an opportunity, but you can't call the family members of 2 firefighters from YOUR HOMETOWN being buried this week...nice move....repost if you feel the same

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I double dare anyone of you ever seen shit like this:

ex texting me , with crappy poems.bad enough u see the chick in ur class every day worse she`s rly hot , and starts flirting with u every second .skipped uni today just cuza that bitch some other chick playing with me... i guess shes not mature enough.=)failing exams, no car . i woulden even touch davids mom with gloves on . thats about it now poor your PItty on me faggots

With 100% fidelity to the original post.

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It looks like the 'french boyfriend' wasn't the love of her life after all

Want 2 die rite now.gave my heart 2 a guy that i thort was amazing bt he jst tore my heart up and threw it in my face.i hate myslf 4 eva believing he was the best guy in the world.im so fkn stupid!

Well depression has sunk in.why do i trust the ppl i love so much cause they only hurt me and then treat me like crap 4 being upset.jst wana put my car around a pole and die.

Well depression has sunk in.why do i trust the ppl i love so much cause they only hurt me and then treat me like crap 4 being upset.jst wana put my car around a pole and die.

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If anyone is missing the "Winter Classic" hockey game on NBC right now...there's a running commentary about every five minutes on my status updates courtesy of the hockey freak I know...he isn't even a fan of either team...gah...

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Trebla,

REPOSTING: Mr. President - you can call the philadelphia eagles and congratulate them for giving Vick an opportunity, but you can't call the family members of 2 firefighters from YOUR HOMETOWN being buried this week...nice move....repost if you feel the same

Generally, I think anything that is "Reposting" has all the grace of a nasty chain letter.

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And she just keeps going (not my friend who recently lost her mother but the crazy girl from HS):

Oh my goodness! Oh my Goodness! Oh my goodness!! Are you ready for the beautiful day that is store for all of us?? WAKE UP!! Don't waist a second! I can't believe it! It's here MONDAY morning January 3rd 2011! Lets all shine like a 100watt bulb today!! WOOHOO Have a blessed day all!!

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And she just keeps going (not my friend who recently lost her mother but the crazy girl from HS):

Just get it over with and hit that de-friend button. See if that breaks her happy happy mask. People who are that happy and feel the need to express that to the world in such a manner and on a pretty much continuous basis have a. something to hide b. are barely holding it together or c. are more than a smidgen insane.

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Just get it over with and hit that de-friend button. See if that breaks her happy happy mask. People who are that happy and feel the need to express that to the world in such a manner and on a pretty much continuous basis have a. something to hide b. are barely holding it together or c. are more than a smidgen insane.

I agree with all three. I find her too entertaining to de-friend. :-P

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I agree with all three. I find her too entertaining to de-friend. :-P

I think I would want to keep an eye on her. Chances are she is going to crack soon, and you might want to know where she is so you can stay out of her way when she does.

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I think I would want to keep an eye on her. Chances are she is going to crack soon, and you might want to know where she is so you can stay out of her way when she does.

This is one of the best uses for FB "check-in" I've heard yet. You should encourage her to use it so you know to steer clear.

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