Meeting Chemist Guy ended up being nothing more than stopping by for five minutes for a quick goodbye and 'tell me when you're back in town.' I was swamped yesterday, he was sick today, so it was a lot of stressing out and double guessing myself over nothing, in the end. Kind of perfect. I now feel like I can approach further awkward flirting with a degree of assurance. And, what are the odds of finding Indian phd students in Lubumbashi, right?
Oh no they used that trick of dropping the laugh track when you expect it, ouch, wibble. (and I laughed at 'eat Sponge Bob' anyway.) That was harsh. yeah, i'm with Scot. She loves him and she genuinely appreciates what they have, she just also very much wants (and should want) more and there's moments when one of those is stronger than the other, like after a particularly uniquely pleasant day after a spate of lackluster dating of other people. I thought Sheldon admitting getting over her was a big deal and he couldn't just about-face and go back like nothing happened was actually a bit of growth though. Howard back to space then?
Definitely growing, I'm just not sure if it's more rounded or just more jagged. Anywho...with perfect timing, I finally got my visa yesterday and am leaving Monday for like two months. Chemist guy hasn't called. I kind of want to...I don't know, invite myself over with a bottle of wine and see what happens. Also kind of want to do nothing at all and let this vanish. I'm compromising (ie, doing nothing) by letting him decide - if he calls, I think I'll go with it. If he doesn't - well, I won't. However, I'm running out of time for him to make his mind up and leaving without letting him know at all also seems amiss. I'm thinking of giving him until Friday afternoon?
Well, second date with Chemist Guy ended up at Chemist Guy's with, um, the making out and the removal of (some) garments and the spending of the night. (if not clear yet, that's rather a first for me.) Um. Don't quite know where that's going. It was nice, I guess. Cup-of-tea comfort sort of way, human contact and such. I'm kind of amazed at how un-selfconscious I was about it, physically speaking, (and stone sober, at that,) but also freaking out irrationally a bit. I don't know that we haven't exhausted all topics of conversation or that i'm terribly interested in this guy, as such. *sigh* yesterday someone who's known me for a while, when I told him my evening plans were a date, smiled warmly, called me Pinocchio and said it was really nice watching me develop feelings, and I might be a real boy (girl) eventually yet. And two different people (who know me from Burundi), uncoordinatedly, told me it's very brave of me to try dating. Yup.
Should I read anything into chemist guy vanishing on me for a week? He texted about getting a coffee Tuesday, we made plans for an hour later (we live fairly close,) he cancelled ten minutes after that citing being swamped at work and that we should take it up next week. Short exchange of texts yesterday - still really busy - and that's it. I keep thinking I should try to be a bit (a lot) flirtier or at least more personal here, but not quite sure how to do that via text messages that consist of mostly witticisms about work stress. Or that I was being too domineering since I was the one who ended up defining the when and where of both dates (one cancelled)? (Also ended up having a couple of conversations with the old workaholic Indian Phd student crush - because who doesn't need two of those? - the first of which made me want to kill him and the second of which was a bit rawer but ended on friendlier, and thus less distracting, footing but is still unsettling, particularly with something that might be read as an invitation to talk more frequently. Which is probably a bad idea but one I don't know if I can resist following up on. He'll definitely fail to live up to it and i'll be more frustrated than ever. Trying to think of it as a kind of project.) I don't know whether to consider it progress or regression, all in all - I have this much relationship-related stuff going on in my head, which is a new thing, but none of it seems to be going anywhere at all, so maybe zero is better than negative? I mean, I've never managed to connect to this stuff before. Why should it now work? Not trying at least limits failure.
I've been trying OkCupid for a few months or so, and the spam has definitely died down (thought it's been a while since i've gotten any amusing gems like the "how do you feel about friends with benefits" text from Saudi Arabia, which even if I was totally into it, how much benefits are you going to get from me while you're in Saudi Arabia?) but so has my initial can-do spirit about the whole thing. When it was just loads of weirdness I felt quite cheery texting about with the slightly-less-totally-offputting, but now it's a handful of awkward, maybe earnest conversation that are still awkward and blah (the average 30ish Jerusalem guy apparently can't wait to bloody have kids and settle down and find something real who's done playing games and looking for someone to be a best friend and build something real and good grief. I live in hope that they're all actually lying jerks, but, terrifyingly, I don't think so.) I'm just continuing out of a sense of obligation (to myself and whatever the fuck it is i'm going through that's prompting this, not to them.) I just don't have the faintest desire to go meet any of these people or take whatever the next steps are. Only one guy so far has suggested going on past texts, and I was actually slightly annoyed when he suggested a phone call rather than a meeting. Can we just get it over with? It's like i'm steeling myself up for an unpleasant medical exam. It's very important, for long term health. We'll know so much more afterwards.
Ugh, having a really bad day, for some reason. It's a holiday on top of a weekend so it's about six days with nothing much to do, which is driving me crazy. I got some reading done today but my concentration is still pretty ropey if I don't feel some kind of pressure, like an office environment. So there's a convenient void for feeling like nothing matters, like everything i'm doing - work, school, whatever - is just killing time, somehow, unreal and devoid of connection to me. I'm both nervous about and looking forward to a long work trip next month, but also asking myself why on earth I'm expecting that to fix things. (it's back to Africa, where this can of worms got opened, but a completely different place, different work, different situation. No rational reason to think there's any closure to be found there.) My totally unrequieted wierdo of a crush, whom I haven't even seen in six months, is back to taking up a lot of headspace as well, after I thought I had done such a good job closing that off, sending off an honest sort of goodbye email and everything. I really, really need that to stop. It feels like a proper obsessive disorder at this point. I did a bit of texting with my best friend, who I haven't talked to in about two months, and everything is fine but she doesn't sound particularly enthusiastic about, you know, being friends again. I'm tired of feeling like an awkward obligation in every single relationship I have. I know it's just the enforced boredom talking, but damn if it doesn't feel very real right now, and no matter how much I tell myself it's a momentary mood, I know the only time I feel fine is either at work or in hours closely bracketed by work, which doesn't seem very sensible either.
Argh, I need to sort out my pension and savings stuff. I worked through college and am naturally scrimpy, so I saved up something, but I was making such remarkably crap pay it doesn't add up to much, (still, no debt) but I should probably at least put that into bonds or something. I've also been through, oh, six or seven workplaces where I was eligible for a pension and I need to find and consolidate all those. Thread is a timely reminder, actually.
Further fail on the social networking front, re Questionably Gay Peripatetic Economist Guy, whom I "uncontacted" on skype with no boldness or fanfare whatsoever, which at least got his name away from being in front of my face my whole working day. It was a good week, until a message popped up that he'd like to be my contact again. WHAT? Is this just an automatic thing, maybe? WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS, could it please stop? Come on, brain. I haven't seen this guy in like six months now. Long enough, no?
Hey TTNER's! Weird, drifty, no-pressure day at work today. Management's on holiday or in Zambia or taking a sick day, weather is apocalyptic (weird aseasonal sandstorm+heat wave,) I've finished everything that needed doing for the moment...so just kinda sitting here, as the office is pleasanter than heading to non-airconditioned home...what's up with everybody?
Oh, I've done that plenty. Usually not so much for looking vulnerable due to distance as ME not wanting to spend, oh, nineteen hours in a car with someone now. (I'm actually really, really bad at being selective in general. There's all sorts of reasonable precautions like only take a ride with women, or with one person - and I always mean to follow them and never do.) It's more fun for me to have a lot of short rides (less practical, of course, so not always what I do,) than a few long ones, where you might quickly exhaust conversation and it gets awkward.
I'm not particularly evangelistic about hitching - it's not something I think has some general social value, like not turning your nose up at second hand furniture or clothes or things like that - but I will say that i've hitched rides with probably getting somewhere into the high hundreds of strangers in ~15 countries, with every demographic under the sun, and I've had a few awkward and uncomfortable moments (mostly come-ons, but also things like invitations to come hang out and smoke weed (which I'm really stiff about) or people with a really lousy sense of what it's like to be a pedestrian who drop you off places like the middle of the M25 or that godawful vast interchange west of Budapest that one Saturday morning when there was - fortunately and unfortunately - exactly zero traffic,) but the ratio is probably better than things like "jobs i've had/jobs where i've been made to feel uncomfortable," "bus rides I've taken/where I've been made to feel uncomfortable," etc, etc. So, you know, none of that makes that ok, but it's also, well, I'm not going to wait for it to go away to step out the door, so.
Yup, regularly, short or long distance, for pleasure and practicality and on three continents. (Yes, as a young woman, and yes, almost entirely alone.) Finland ties with Jordan and Albania for the best, France was the worst.