marriage

[gladius]

I would never change my last name, and I would be offended, if a potential wife wanted to do it, to the point of reconsidering the relationship. Any children would have an unhyphenated double-barrelled last name. That said, I'm against marriage.

[Noontidal]

Yes, if they have both names they can choose which one they want to be known by once they're an adult. It would be weird for siblings to have (intentionally) different surnames.

Yes, because spending 200-400 or more while doing all your own paperwork to change your name is ideal. or do you mean they could just casually drop one?

[Night Watchman]

I wouldn't take my wife's last name, but I'd have no problem with our kids taking it if thats what she wanted.

[Filippa Eilhart]

I really don't see why surnames are so important. Well, unless you're the descendant of someone famous and you want to show off, I suppose ;)

[karaddin]

I'd be happy to take a girls name if it was cooler than mine. I've had crushes on a couple that I definitely would have taken, Zarb and Lind are cool surnames!

[Isis]

Yes, because spending 200-400 or more while doing all your own paperwork to change your name is ideal. or do you mean they could just casually drop one?

People can call themselves whatever they want to (and also ask other people to) without ever officially changing their name/s so long as they aren't doing it for fraudulent reasons.

What I said was - my kids would officially have both names on their birth certificate. If they then chose to use just one of them in practise this wouldn't require any change in documentation, it's simply a matter of usage.

Besides, I have officially changed my surname twice and lived to tell the tale. So i can tell you from my own personal experience it's really not that big a deal.

[Nymeria Sand]

I wouldn't mind my wife keeping her last name, but I'm not sure about the kids. *shrugs*

This is why I didn't change my name back to my maiden name after my divorce. I didn't want my daughter to have a different last name. So I'm still carrying around my married name even though I haven't been married in 10 years. :)

[kiko]

I would never change my name. That's not even an option. After sharing that with my parents, they actually appreciated this. My family's native culture (my parents are Chinese and I was born in China) doesn't do the whole women changing family name type thing. They don't get it and they think it's offensive. As for children, I'd like at least one to have my family name since I'm an only child.

That's interesting. My girl couldnt be fast enough with telling me that she wants my name. But then she also want me to take her mother's name - which is aparently complicated and she neds to find out how that name is supposed to change. :dunce:

[Kabada]

As a gay guy, I'd take the last name of my boyfriend if it was cooler than mine. Else I'd probably say its not worth the hassle of having to explain it all the time.

A guy I had a crush on for some time is called "Knighton". I'd take that in a second over mine.

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

My wife took my last name when we married. Not at my inistence but by her choice. During our engagment she mentioned at one point that she was debating about whether to take my last name or not. I simply said, "As you wish." My children have my last name.

I think LooN makes an excellent point about cultures where family names are combined in the children of two parents. It's confusing in the U.S. simply because we have a tradition of patrilineal family names so most aren't used to combined family names. I would have had no problem with my children having combined names.

I do admit that I would have had a problem if my children had my wife's maiden name but not my name. This makes me appreciate all the more why some would object to taking their husband's last name over their own and giving their children only their husband's last name.

Perhaps the culture of naming in the U.S. is going to change?

[Turinqui-Calima]

Me and my husband were both very fond of our own last name, but we also wanted to have the same last name. Now the two of us are Mr. & Mrs. Myname-Hisname and we are both very fond of it. We do use both names most of the time; as Limey says that's my name now and it feels weird leaving part of it out.

His parents, although they seem pretty ok are probably not loving this idea. His mom recently asked us, again, whether his legal name was really changed and his dad asked him "but the kids will be 'Hisnamnes', right?". I guess it is still a sensitive topic, but I could never imagine just taking his name for the patriartich reasons above. We are not planning to have kids, so *hopefully* that will never be an issue (although, if we did it will obviously have the same last name(s) as us).

Also, my old last name is from my mother, not my father, as they are not married (but still living together after 40 years) and my mom's last name is oh so much nicer. Thinking about it my dad has two brothers, both also with children, and NONE of us have their last name now. My one cousin that grew up with it changed it when she got married (to a new name she and her husband chose). I don't think it bothers my dad or his brothers any.

[Ormond]

Perhaps the culture of naming in the U.S. is going to change?

It may eventually, but if I remember correctly, the latest research showed that the % of newly married women in the USA who kept their pre-marriage surnames actually was lower in the 1990s than it was in the 1970s. Of course these things may have already shifted again; I don't recall seeing nationwide stats on this from the last decade.

Personally, I wouldn't completely change my surname if I ever got married, but I might be willing to hyphenate it if my husband liked the idea.

I did know a gay male couple in Michigan who both changed their surname to "Stonewall", after the riot in New York City often thought to be the birth of the modern gay liberation movement. That was at least 25 years ago, well before legal same-sex marriage was thought of as a possibility anywhere.

[LCOTNW]

The solution that works for my wife and I goes like this:

Before marriage:

Me: Husbandfirstname Husbandmiddlename Husbandlastname

Her: Wifefirstname Wifemiddlename Wifelastname

After marriage:

Me: Husbandfirstname Husbandmiddlename Wifelastname Husbandlastname

Her: Wifefirstname Wifemiddlename Husbandlastname Wifelastname

Male children:

Sonfirstname Sonmiddlename Husbandlastname

Female children:

Daughterfirstname Daughtermiddlename Wifeslastname

So to clarify, My wife and I each added the other person's last name as a second middle name. Male children will have a standard first and middle name, but will take my last name. Daughters will do the same, except will take my wife's last name.

Advantages: Husband and Wife have a name change that signifies the change from single life to unified married life. Wife gets to keep her last name as her legal last name. Passing on the last name is left to fate with equal opportunity for both sides.

Disadvantages: Assuming we have male and female children, there will be some confusion over the last names when dealing with 3rd parties. Geneologists will be confused, however, with the decimation of traditional family lineage (with all the divorce, remarriage, children produced outside of marriage, etc) geneologists are pretty much f*cked anyway.

[Guest Raidne]

It may eventually, but if I remember correctly, the latest research showed that the % of newly married women in the USA who kept their pre-marriage surnames actually was lower in the 1990s than it was in the 1970s. Of course these things may have already shifted again; I don't recall seeing nationwide stats on this from the last decade.

Personally, I wouldn't completely change my surname if I ever got married, but I might be willing to hyphenate it if my husband liked the idea.

I did know a gay male couple in Michigan who both changed their surname to "Stonewall", after the riot in New York City often thought to be the birth of the modern gay liberation movement. That was at least 25 years ago, well before legal same-sex marriage was thought of as a possibility anywhere.

Amongst feminist circles, I've seen it pointed out more frequently lately that keeping your maiden name is really just your Dad's name anyway, so it's not any less patriarchal.

And I'm curious - what do most gay married couples do about names?

[QuietColours]

My sister and I both took our husband's names when we got married, primarily for two reasons. One is simplicity's sake when we have kids--no fussing over their last names. The other is because our maiden name is a common first name, and we were both sick of people assuming it was our first name.

That said, I'm definitely having a hard time thinking of myself as "Y" instead of "X." It's not that I dislike being Y, it just doesn't feel like that's me. I figure that if it still doesn't feel right in a few years (I've only been married a year), I'll just change it back. My husband didn't care if I took his name before we got married but isn't thrilled with the idea of me changing my name back--I think it feels like I'd be rejecting him. I wouldn't be, I'd just be letting my name fit my self-image a little better; I don't see how it would be much different than if I hadn't taken his name in the first place.

He was not willing to change his name to mine, though. The primary reason was, despite having a huge family, he's the only male that still has the family name (and he's an only child), and he didn't want the name to end with him. My father is also the last male with that family name, so I wasn't overly sympathetic to that reasoning. But if he was satisfied with his name, I wasn't going to try and force him to change it. He wasn't going to force me to change mine either, but I was rather less satisfied with my name. I still think we should both change our names to something completely different--his name is boring and mine was obnoxious. I lobby for this from time to time, but so far no go.

I'm not sure what we'll do with kids. If I don't change my name back, their last name will certainly be Y. Even then, though, I may look at using X as a second middle name--it would work for both a male or female, and despite my annoyance with everyone thinking it was my first name for years, I'm still fond of it.

[kiko]

The solution that works for my wife and I goes like this:

Before marriage:

Me: Husbandfirstname Husbandmiddlename Husbandlastname

Her: Wifefirstname Wifemiddlename Wifelastname

After marriage:

Me: Husbandfirstname Husbandmiddlename Wifelastname Husbandlastname

Her: Wifefirstname Wifemiddlename Husbandlastname Wifelastname

Male children:

Sonfirstname Sonmiddlename Husbandlastname

Female children:

Daughterfirstname Daughtermiddlename Wifeslastname

So to clarify, My wife and I each added the other person's last name as a second middle name. Male children will have a standard first and middle name, but will take my last name. Daughters will do the same, except will take my wife's last name.

This would fold for so many reasons with German naming law. You can't change your name for frivolous reasons (which would be changing your [in germany next to unknown] middle names.

And children are not allowed to have different surnames here. Which has lead to situations where kids might end up without any surname at all, because the parents and the naming laws fucked up.

[Isis]

kiko: Wow. Frivolous reasons, huh?

That said, I'm definitely having a hard time thinking of myself as "Y" instead of "X." It's not that I dislike being Y, it just doesn't feel like that's me. I figure that if it still doesn't feel right in a few years (I've only been married a year), I'll just change it back. My husband didn't care if I took his name before we got married but isn't thrilled with the idea of me changing my name back--I think it feels like I'd be rejecting him. I wouldn't be, I'd just be letting my name fit my self-image a little better; I don't see how it would be much different than if I hadn't taken his name in the first place.

That's what happened to me. I had to switch back to my maiden name because after a few years of marriage I still hadn't come to terms with being called by someone else's name. Plus, it was way of dissociating myself from my husband's family (who irritate me for many reasons) AND my name is just way cooler than his. My husband initially had the same rejection issues you mentioned but he eventually accepted that it said nothing about the way I perceived my marriage and everything about the way I perceived myself. I was much happier after I took MY name back. :)

[MinDonner]

Amongst feminist circles, I've seen it pointed out more frequently lately that keeping your maiden name is really just your Dad's name anyway, so it's not any less patriarchal.

You know what? I HATE this argument. Why is husband's last name his own, yet wife's last name her dad's? Taking that to the logical conclusion, you get to choose between your dad's name and your father-in-law's, and that's kind of a no-brainer, surely? (unless you hate your dad).

I kept my name. It's my name, I've had it all my life, why would I want to give it up? I'm not terribly sympathetic to the men who want to pass their name on to their progeny, either, given that that's a uniquely male expectation (in the West at least) and just reeks of privilege.

[Noontidal]

People can call themselves whatever they want to (and also ask other people to) without ever officially changing their name/s so long as they aren't doing it for fraudulent reasons.

What I said was - my kids would officially have both names on their birth certificate. If they then chose to use just one of them in practise this wouldn't require any change in documentation, it's simply a matter of usage.

Besides, I have officially changed my surname twice and lived to tell the tale. So i can tell you from my own personal experience it's really not that big a deal.

So you ment they could casually drop one. See, I changed my name, and while I do not actually care what people think, I did collect (still do if people find out) a lot of grief over changing it as a guy. in my personal experience, it is a big deal when one changes their name officially.

[Xray the Enforcer]

Well said, Min.