Friendship and money

[Kikajon]

Her only fault was she was with you because she is a friend of yours.

When the probabilities to have everything screwed up were high you didn't have a doubt that responsibility was entirely yours and that you had to do everything you could to take her out of trouble, even if she hadn't been a friends of yours in tha first place.

Now that you have relaxed, instead if being happy you mourn of the cost of a deed all of yours that you knew it was illegal from the beginning and could have cost you a lot more.

Having come away so easily doesn't change the situation and shouldn't change your mind too.

Try and walk a mile in her shoes!

[Larry of the Lawn]

I posted this for my friend and told her all the same stuff you all said, she is a really nice person and would do anything for her friends, she has helped me before and wanted nothing in return. Theres more back story to Why she feels like this but she just wanted a general opinion on what she should do. Ty for your input.

Wait so the OP wasn't actually from your perspective? I mean to say, the OP is from your friend's perspective?

[Fragile Bird]

Wait so the OP wasn't actually from your perspective? I mean to say, the OP is from your friend's perspective?

I assume the OP is speaking from his perspective and has posted this to gauge reaction to his request for her contribution?

[Frog Eater]

The old "Its not me, its a friend" response, when he didn't get the response he expected. nice.

OP, your friend deserves better friends

[Littlefingers In The Air]

The old "Its not me, its a friend" response, when he didn't get the response he expected. nice.

OP, your friend deserves better friends

As classic as the "hypothetically speaking" story.

[Tears of Lys]

Friends and money? Don't mix.

(As illustrated by the above.)

My dear SO has been in situations where a friend needed money and he loaned it to them. Lost the money and lost a "friend." Sometimes the "loanee," given enough time, will find some way of justifying not paying you back, because MONEY, which results in their growing to resent you, even if you don't say a word to them about it. They may even avoid you because deep down they feel guilt about it. A $2,000 case in point resulted in the "friend" going so far as to move out of town! In any event, my SO never heard from him again.

Oh, well.

If you hand over money to someone to help them out, best consider it a gift and tell them so right up front - at least if it's a friend you really want to keep.

[Buckwheat]

I felt very guilty and agreed to pay for my friends lawyer in addition to my own.

You said it yourself, case closed.

[deleted01]

Friends and money? Don't mix.

(As illustrated by the above.)

My dear SO has been in situations where a friend needed money and he loaned it to them. Lost the money and lost a "friend." Sometimes the "loanee," given enough time, will find some way of justifying not paying you back, because MONEY, which results in their growing to resent you, even if you don't say a word to them about it. They may even avoid you because deep down they feel guilt about it. A $2,000 case in point resulted in the "friend" going so far as to move out of town! In any event, my SO never heard from him again.

Oh, well.

If you hand over money to someone to help them out, best consider it a gift and tell them so right up front - at least if it's a friend you really want to keep.

My SO is more generous with money than I am. He lent a mutual friend (I use the term loosely, mind) a very tiny amount of money, and I merely raised my eyebrows. She is well known for being extremely unreliable, in many ways, and she never pays anything back. Luckily she did pay him back this time, and it was only a tenner, but she is definitely someone I wouldn't trust with money. Or even to hold my hat, if I had a hat.

I don't lend out money unless I completely trust the other person, and even then I have to resist the urge to draw up a contract. I guess it's because I don't have much of it myself :dunno: And I'm really strict on paying back loans myself. I hate the idea of someone having something like that over me, and so I want to pay them back asap.

As for the OP, I agree with pretty much all the above posts. You paid for it, you didn't say it was a loan in the first place, and it was your fault. Asking for the money back now is a bit of a dick move.

[Reny of Storms End]

Considering the OP stated he had already payed for his friends lawyer, and was only considering asking for some back, I would say basically everyone in this thread has responded like a total ass. It doesn't sound like he was hiding his smoking from said friend, so if you're afraid of the consequences don't hang around that person.

It's just hilarious a person who has said they payed $2,000 to provide legal assistance for another person is being called a bad friend.

So how again is the OP a bad friend? For posting in a forum asking advice on whether it's a good idea or not to ask for money back?

[Mark Antony]

Wait so the OP wasn't actually from your perspective? I mean to say, the OP is from your friend's perspective?

I'm confused

[Seventh Pup]

This thread does beg the question, did the friend know the OP had pot before the arrest?

[Starkess]

No, just no, agree with everyone else. You already made the offer, it would be rude and in bad faith to change your offer based on the outcome.

I have heard the advice that when you loan money to friends, don't consider it a loan, consider it a gift. If you ever get it back, then it's just a bonus. And in this case, it wasn't even a loan, it was you trying to originally do the right thing and then change your mind when you realized that sometimes doing the right thing costs you a bit.

[DreamSongs]

No, just no, agree with everyone else. You already made the offer, it would be rude and in bad faith to change your offer based on the outcome.

I have heard the advice that when you loan money to friends, don't consider it a loan, consider it a gift. If you ever get it back, then it's just a bonus. And in this case, it wasn't even a loan, it was you trying to originally do the right thing and then change your mind when you realized that sometimes doing the right thing costs you a bit.

Exactly.

OP, if your 'friend' told his/her 'friend' that they would accept responsibility for everything up front, then your 'friend' does not get to reneg after court. Tell your 'friend' that he/she should accept the first offender offer received and keep his/her nose clean.

And the friend that got the case dismissed needs to find better friends if that person already hasn't...which is what I suspect is the real reason behind the post.

[Reny of Storms End]

Exactly.

OP, if your 'friend' told his/her 'friend' that they would accept responsibility for everything up front, then your 'friend' does not get to reneg after court. Tell your 'friend' that he/she should accept the first offender offer received and keep his/her nose clean.

And the friend that got the case dismissed needs to find better friends if that person already hasn't...which is what I suspect is the real reason behind the post.

Why does the person who had the case dismissed need to find better friends?

[TerraPrime]

Hmmm... I agree with the consensus, but there's one point that people haven't raised yet: did she know you're carrying an amount of pot that could get you arrested? If so, then I think it you might have some wiggle room to ask her for half of the lawyer fee. It would still be a crummy thing to ask after you offered to pay for it in the first place, but at least there's a bit of reason behind it. If on the other hand she had no idea, then the right thing to do is to pay for the whole set of lawyers.

I will also say that so far you have done the decent thing which is to pay for both lawyers. Don't make all that good effort go to waste by asking her to share in the cost of the lawyer.

[Reny of Storms End]

I will also say that so far you have done the decent thing which is to pay for both lawyers. Don't make all that good effort go to waste by asking her to share in the cost of the lawyer.

This is how I feel as well.

I just can't fathom how quickly people were willing to say the OP was a bad friend simply for asking for advice on whether or not he should do something. Had he actually asked for the money back it would be different, but that's not the case as outlined.

[DreamSongs]

Why does the person who had the case dismissed need to find better friends?

Because a real friend that knew you had an illegal substance would have most likely been willing to pay for their own defense. If they did not know, then they either don't know you that well or aren't a long-time friend. I suspect that since the incident occurred, the person that the had a defense attorney paid for has probably moved on and the OP's 'friend' is upset about paying for a lawyer of someone that barely talks to that person anymore.

Call it life experience or whatever.

[DreamSongs]

My friend and I got arrested while on vacation. I was in possession of a small amount of

marijuana and she (who doesnt smoke) was sitting on the curb with me when we

got busted. When the officer told us we

were going to be taken into custody, I asked the officer if I took responsibility

would you let my friend go and he said no we are taking you both. I felt horrible and absolutely guilty because

I could have possibly destroyed both our lives over a stupid bowl of weed. I did all the leg work checking in on the

case over the next few months. When we

finally got court dates, I was the one calling around to lawyers and finding

out what the next step was. I was able

to find a pair of lawyers for $2,000 each, totaling $4,000. I felt very guilty and agreed to pay for my

friends lawyer in addition to my own. I

had prepared for the worse and refinanced my house to get cash out to be able

to float anything that came at us. When

we got a copy of the police report, the officer quoted me saying I would take

responsibility. My friends lawyer was

almost immediately able to get her case dismissed. I just got news tonight that the court has

offered me a diversion, requiring one year of probation and then a dismissal as

well if I dont get into any more trouble during that period. Now that I know that we will both be ok, I

feel that my friend should help me pay for half ($1,000) of her lawyer. (Not even 100%, just half because I do still

feel responsible.) She is not struggling

and I truly feel that she took advantage of my offer and my friendship and any

real friend would have at least offered to help pay some of the expense if they

could. Out of our group of friends, I am

by far the most well off and everyone knows that the money is still a lot for

me, but is not a burden. My friend has

always been kind of a cheap skate and I feel that if I say to her, if you got

arrested with anyone else you would have been on your own, but because you got

arrested with me you lucked out and I can afford to take care of us both, she

will go into b****mode and tell me that this was all my fault and she doesnt owe

me a dime. I just feel like I thought

this was going to be way worse and I didnt want her to worry about it, but now

that we now it isnt that serious, she should pony up some of the dough to make

things right. I know if I dont say

anything I will resent her and myself forever and that I will never be the

friend I want to be knowing that she didnt try to be as good a friend to me as

I was to her in our time of need. Is it wrong of me to ask her to pay what I feel like is her fair share?

Reny...this is someone that is trying to justify asking for the money back. Either for financial or personal reasons.

[Reny of Storms End]

Reny...this is someone that is trying to justify asking for the money back. Either for financial or personal reasons.

Rereading the post, and the parts that you bolded has changed my viewpoint, and I agree that it's about justifying an attempt to ask for the money back. I think I was just initially surprised at how quickly the OP was being called out as a bad friend. But it definitely looks more and more like a way to feel better about asking for a portion of the money back.

[The Fallen]

To OP (or friend),

You state you better off financially then your friends. But then state you had to refinance your house for the cash. Which leads me to believe that you aren't that well-off. Therefore, you probably should not have offered to pay for her lawyer. You could have still gone all-out for her by insisting that she was innocent and taking all of the blame.

However, since you did offer to pay for the lawyer, how can you turn around and demand that she pay back half or otherwise she's not a true friend? You offered, so it's all on you. Wasn't it your hope that she would be able to get out of this mess without any penalty? Then why hold it against her when that's what ends up transpiring?