Sivin Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 It's been brought to my attention that I'm a horrible person and very hurtful with my words. So does anyone have any tips on how to pretend that I'm not disgusted with the people I'm talking to? Example: How do I turn "-Roommate- I don't want to go to the gym with you anymore because I find it needlessly frustrating to coordinate two schedules instead of one. Additionally, I find you to be annoying when I'm trying to work out alone and you want to 'get swol bro!' with a lifting partner. And finally you can get your own goddamn membership and pay me all of the money you owe me instead of buying new video games and Magic The Gathering stuff. Now leave me alone and go be somewhere else." into something that's 'socially appropriate' to say? I'm kind of serious here... I'm going to have the above conversation today, and if I could not 'crush somebody's soul' or whatever that'd be cool I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 "I would prefer to work out alone" ??? Just don't say mean things?? It's surprisingly easy to you know...not be an asshole if you think before you speak. I work with someone that probably doesn't mean to be so impatient and highly strung and a general asshole but I just do not like him whatsoever, he's so fucking rude, intentional or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivin Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 "I would prefer to work out alone" ???Just don't say mean things?? It's surprisingly easy to you know...not be an asshole if you think before you speak. I work with someone that probably doesn't mean to be so impatient and highly strung and a general asshole but I just do not like him whatsoever, he's so fucking rude, intentional or not. But I try to say things like that. And then they whine "WHY!?! Why can't you incorporate me into every facet of your life when it's convenient for me!?!" I then explain the reasons, like in the OP, and I'm an asshole? Seriously? When people ask me questions about my motives I answer, and that's when the hurt feelings come out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Walker Texas Ranger Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 southerners say "bless your heart," English say "with all due respect," and I'm not sure what Minnesotans say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Tell them clearly and politely you would personally prefer to work out alone for whatever reasons and you hope they can understand that. Honestly, learn to be a bit more diplomatic with people. I can't say I'm prone to being outright pissy or rude to people but I do get irritated every now and again and manage not to hurt peoples feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Just tell him that coordinating schedules is a big hassle and it's affecting your ability to work out when you want to.You can have the money conversation separately another time. "So, uh, not to be a nag, but you've owed me a bunch of money for a while now."The underlying problems here are that you hate your roommate and you lent him money. Don't lend money to people, even friends, unless you don't care about getting it back. It makes for these awkward situations if they're unreliable. I don't really have advice for hating your roommate other than to get rid of him as a roommate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Scot A Ellison Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Sivin,Be honest but tactful. Take a deep breath before you speak and think about what hou are going to say before you say it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnionAhaiReborn Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 "-Roommate- I don't want to go to the gym with you anymore because I find it needlessly frustrating to coordinate two schedules instead of one. Additionally, I find you to be annoying when I'm trying to work out alone and you want to 'get swol bro!' with a lifting partner working out is a time I really enjoy using as 'alone time.' And finally you can get your own goddamn membership and pay me all of the money you owe me instead of buying new video games and Magic The Gathering stuff. Now leave me alone and go be somewhere else. I'd appreciate it if you got your own membership and paid back the money you owe me before spending more on obvious non-necessities." Very easy to express these thoughts politely if you think them through and don't let your anger get the better of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mish Windage Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 "Just/But", similar to "Yes/And"... sort of... When you're just trying to do or say something that usually can temper what you're actually saying to the sensitive. Nice things before can put people in a more comfortable space, but you can say what you need to after the but. If it escalates, go back to what you said before the but, and then immediately back to after the but. Not to be a dick, I'm just trying to pay my bills, you're a great conversation/hangout/teammate/gamerpartner but.... just one trick, there's others. And then sometimes you really do have to be a dick when other rational options have failed and their behavior is modifying your life in a negative way. imo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Scot A Ellison Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 The other thing to remember is that you aren't saying "mean things" absolutely. You are broaching difficult topics but they are not, by definition, "mean". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivin Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Hmm, all good/appreciated responses. southerners say "bless your heart," English say "with all due respect," and I'm not sure what Minnesotans say. I do often say 'with all due respect', though I suppose that I could use a more diplomatic tone... Tell them clearly and politely you would personally prefer to work out alone for whatever reasons and you hope they can understand that. Honestly, learn to be a bit more diplomatic with people. I can't say I'm prone to being outright pissy or rude to people but I do get irritated every now and again and manage not to hurt peoples feelings. This is the heart of the problem. I get along well with people in professional settings, and I never had any complaints from my previous roommates. We exchanged information as needed and moved on with minimal fuss. If conversation was desired, conversation was had. There was no unnecessary or unwanted contact, which led to no hurt feelings. I still maintain those good friendships. I can't figure out why my current roommates do the things they do, which inhibits my ability to plan a conversation. I cannot understand their comments/actions, because they do not make sense. So I react accordingly. It seems perfectly reasonable to me... Just tell him that coordinating schedules is a big hassle and it's affecting your ability to work out when you want to.You can have the money conversation separately another time. "So, uh, not to be a nag, but you've owed me a bunch of money for a while now."The underlying problems here are that you hate your roommate and you lent him money. Don't lend money to people, even friends, unless you don't care about getting it back. It makes for these awkward situations if they're unreliable. I don't really have advice for hating your roommate other than to get rid of him as a roommate. I don't hate my roommate. I've known him for 15 years and consider him a friend. I hate how much he tries to spend time with/around me. I also am confused about how I bankroll him by purchasing his entertainment, buy him food, and pay his medical bills and he has the gall to act indignant about my motives. I don't care about the money, per say. I care about his lack of consideration. This is what I do not understand. Sivin,Be honest but tactful. Take a deep breath before you speak and think about what hou are going to say before you say it. I always do. I also rarely impose my presence on the people around me. They make a conscious decision to be around me, shouldn't they have learned by now that if they say stupid shit I'm going to say something mean? Again, I cannot wrap my head around this. "-Roommate- I don't want to go to the gym with you anymore because I find it needlessly frustrating to coordinate two schedules instead of one. Additionally, I find you to be annoying when I'm trying to work out alone and you want to 'get swol bro!' with a lifting partner working out is a time I really enjoy using as 'alone time.' And finally you can get your own goddamn membership and pay me all of the money you owe me instead of buying new video games and Magic The Gathering stuff. Now leave me alone and go be somewhere else. I'd appreciate it if you got your own membership and paid back the money you owe me before spending more on obvious non-necessities." Very easy to express these thoughts politely if you think them through and don't let your anger get the better of you. I will try this. "Just/But", similar to "Yes/And"... sort of... When you're just trying to do or say something that usually can temper what you're actually saying to the sensitive. Nice things before can put people in a more comfortable space, but you can say what you need to after the but. If it escalates, go back to what you said before the but, and then immediately back to after the but. Not to be a dick, I'm just trying to pay my bills, you're a great conversation/hangout/teammate/gamerpartner but.... just one trick, there's others. And then sometimes you really do have to be a dick when other rational options have failed and their behavior is modifying your life in a negative way. imo This is also something I will consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S John Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Get your own place, problem solved. Pros: I don't have to see anyone I don't feel like seeing. I don't have to worry about other people making a mess, I can leave my own messes without pissing anyone else off, I have full control over the music and or television, everything in the fridge is MINE and fair game, and I do not have to wear pants. Cons: slightly higher rent and can't split utilities. Pro's column wins. Sometimes money can buy happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elder Sister Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 There's a difference in being honest and being an ass. You can have a hard discussion with someone and be tactful and truthful without using a sledgehammer of truth on them. Also, I love Ini's post; it pretty much sums up how to handle the discussion you need to have, and you do need to find another roommate. Life is too short to live with someone you loathe. Having said that, life is also too short to be an asshole. That old saying of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," is a good one. You can have the hard conversation - just be tactful. It's not difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spockydog Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Borrow the kid from Kermit's ring and make him disappear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tears of Lys Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Have you let this situation go on and on and now you're at your rope's end, Sivin? If so, that's the problem right there. You needed to be clear with him up front. Instead, you (may) have let it build and build until you're ready to strangle him. And you should never lend money to friends. Or if the situation is so dire and you have the money to spare, consider it a gift. Let them know it up front too. Otherwise, make it clear from now on that the Bank of Sivin is closed. I'd chalk this one up to a learning experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lukey Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Easy: "I cannot go to the gym with you anymore because my schedule just doesn't allow for it. Also, I think we have different health goals and I'm holding you back." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 In general, focus on the situation, and not the person's fault. So, "I would prefer to work out alone because coordinating two schedules is a big hassle. Also, I enjoy being in my own headspace when I work out - it helps me focus and refresh my mind" And not "I would prefer to work out alone because your scheudle is holding me back. Also, you're annoying when you chat so much during workout." And and another example: "Let's stop trying to coordinate our meals together because our dietary preferences just don't match." And not "Let's stop trying to coordinate meals because you only want to crappy fast food and have the palate of a 5 year-old." In general, using "I" sentences will make the other person less defensive because it will not be perceived as an accusation as easily. Finally, on the finance stuff: he's wrong to borrow money for gym membership and not pay you back, but it's none of your business how he spends his money otherwise. One way to approach it without coming across as paternalistic and confrontational is perhaps "Hey, can we figure out a schedule of repayment for the money you borrowed for gym membership? I need the money but I know you probably can't repay me all at once. So let's work out a schedule. Will $50 a month over 4 months work for you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weeping Sore Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Start the discussion with "I just hate you, and I hate your ass face!" and go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Scot A Ellison Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Slap him hard across the face before talking to him. That will guarantee he's paying very close attention to you.;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Start the discussion with "I just hate you, and I hate your ass face!" and go from there. This will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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