How Do I Say Mean Things Nicely?

[Eponine]

You don't have to give explanations. A good way to get walked on (even if you see yourself as the aggressive one) is to let other people decide for you when you've explained enough and not stop until you've either reached an explanation that satisfies them or caved.

"I'd rather work out alone."
"But WHY?"

"I prefer it that way."
"But WHY?"
"I've told you - it works better for me, that's WHY, [change subject to something more pleasant]"

[HexMachina]

You don't have to give explanations. A good way to get walked on (even if you see yourself as the aggressive one) is to let other people decide for you when you've explained enough and not stop until you've either reached an explanation that satisfies them or caved.

"I'd rather work out alone."

"But WHY?"

"I prefer it that way."

"But WHY?"

"I've told you - it works better for me, that's WHY, [change subject to something more pleasant]"

:agree: don't pussyfoot around. Just confront the issue head on like this. If they don't like it then tough, that is their problem not yours. Just don't draw out the conversation, it will only lead to things being said you will likely regret

[The Anti-Targ]

It's been brought to my attention that I'm a horrible person and very hurtful with my words. So does anyone have any tips on how to pretend that I'm not disgusted with the people I'm talking to?

Example:

How do I turn "-Roommate- I don't want to go to the gym with you anymore because I find it needlessly frustrating to coordinate two schedules instead of one. Additionally, I find you to be annoying when I'm trying to work out alone and you want to 'get swol bro!' with a lifting partner. And finally you can get your own goddamn membership and pay me all of the money you owe me instead of buying new video games and Magic The Gathering stuff. Now leave me alone and go be somewhere else." into something that's 'socially appropriate' to say?

I'm kind of serious here... I'm going to have the above conversation today, and if I could not 'crush somebody's soul' or whatever that'd be cool I guess.

Join a gym that doesn't let you bring guests. Avoid the conversation altogether.

But seriously, be honest but tactful: Roommate- I probably can't to go to the gym with you very often anymore because it's getting too hard to coordinate our schedules and get to the gym when I need to or as often as I want. On the odd occasion we do go at the same time I like to get into the zone with work outs so doing the a lifting partner thing is a bit disruptive for my routine. If you still want to get in on my membership we need to split the costs, but you'd probably find it easier to get your own membership since we won't be able to go together much any more. Thanks for understanding my situation dude, catch ya later. We should do lunch some time [which is code for, we won't be doing lunch any time soon, but I need to end this conversation with a pleasantry]."

You'd be being a total dick for asking for back payment on the gym membership thing. Just chalk that up to experience as a lesson learned not to let people sponge off you unless you're willing to let them sponge indefinitely. You're as much at fault for letting this thing run as they are, so you need to suck some of it up.

[Larry of the Lawn]

I do often say 'with all due respect', though I suppose that I could use a more diplomatic tone...

Yeah, that phrase doesn't always cut it.

[HK-47]

It's been brought to my attention that I'm a horrible person and very hurtful with my words. So does anyone have any tips on how to pretend that I'm not disgusted with the people I'm talking to?

Example:

How do I turn "-Roommate- I don't want to go to the gym with you anymore because I find it needlessly frustrating to coordinate two schedules instead of one. Additionally, I find you to be annoying when I'm trying to work out alone and you want to 'get swol bro!' with a lifting partner. And finally you can get your own goddamn membership and pay me all of the money you owe me instead of buying new video games and Magic The Gathering stuff. Now leave me alone and go be somewhere else." into something that's 'socially appropriate' to say?

I'm kind of serious here... I'm going to have the above conversation today, and if I could not 'crush somebody's soul' or whatever that'd be cool I guess.

Answer: Silence meatbag!, I have no interest in adding more water content to my already sloshing water filled muscles with you, I find the activity tiresome enough without having to listen to tales of your asinine existence.

Query: Where are the credits you owe me?, If I do not receive them within 7 Days I will use my blaster on you and you will leak plasma and chunks of organic meatbag matter all over this clean domicile that we unfortunately share.

[HexMachina]

Answer: Silence meatbag!, I have no interest in adding more water content to my already sloshing water filled muscles with you, I find the activity tiresome enough without having to listen to tales of your asinine existence.

Query: Where are the credits you owe me?, If I do not receive them within 7 Days I will use my blaster on you and you will leak plasma and chunks of organic meatbag matter all over this clean domicile that we unfortunately share.

...does Amazon stock these things? I want one

[all swedes are racist]

Why bother saying anything at all. Just fart in their face, like any other well adjusted adult. That should get the message across.

[Dr. Pepper]

The "It's not you, it's me" dialogue can be helpful at times like this. When employed correctly, you'll leave the other person feeling the warmth of a burst of self-confidence, thinking it was all their idea, and sympathetic to your plight.

"Roomie, you are such a good workouter and I really envy you. I told you that I have been feeling down lately lately, and I remember you had mentioned that you have an activity that helps center you, which is playing video games. It was such good advice you gave me and I'm going to take it. I think my problems are due to poor self-esteem so I'm going to workout solo from now on. I think it will really center me and hopefully I can eventually get up to your level of fitness. Thanks so much for understanding, you're a great friend."

Just modify to fit your particulars.

[Lily Valley]

Take your roommate for a one-way trip to the vet and get a cat.

[A True Kaniggit]

But you don't tell him you're taking him to the vet. Just say that you're taking him to the farm.

[Solmyr]

Just stick to the point.

"Pay up and fuck off" should work just fine. :)

Elaborating only encourages them to elaborate back. Which wastes even more time.

[Inigima]

Good advice TP and Ep.

[Zorral]

Send him an e-mail that states you need to workout alone, and eat alone, without distractions, to get the best workouts and meals. Don't bother to explain further beyond the state of your nerves at the moment need a lot more alone time than you are getting.

Suggest he send you a schedule by which you can be expected to have your loans paid back. You don't need to provide reasons. You have the right to be paid back, and that's that.

But maybe you need to somehow separate the money matter from the others, rather than lumping it into your growing need for alone time? They are separate issues after all.

[MercenaryChef]

this is something that has long been a problem for me both personally and professionally. i tend to come off very gruff and far too much to the point. it is often difficult for me to take the time to deal with people as people and not as difficulties to overcome or problems to solve.

so much of it is because of work. my expectations are great. my standards are very high. i see something wrong and i am quick to say 'what the fuck is this' over 'i am not sure if this is right' or something else a bit less aggressive. it is something i continue to work on improving.

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

this is something that has long been a problem for me both personally and professionally. i tend to come off very gruff and far too much to the point. it is often difficult for me to take the time to deal with people as people and not as difficulties to overcome or problems to solve.

so much of it is because of work. my expectations are great. my standards are very high. i see something wrong and i am quick to say 'what the fuck is this' over 'i am not sure if this is right' or something else a bit less aggressive. it is something i continue to work on improving.

It's ok, Gordon. It plays well on TV.

More seriously, is this a problem keeping professional and personal behavior separate? I can imagine if you're trying to serve a customer a fancy dish within 20 minutes, but might not have time to be polite and circumspect.

[peterbound]

this is something that has long been a problem for me both personally and professionally. i tend to come off very gruff and far too much to the point. it is often difficult for me to take the time to deal with people as people and not as difficulties to overcome or problems to solve.

so much of it is because of work. my expectations are great. my standards are very high. i see something wrong and i am quick to say 'what the fuck is this' over 'i am not sure if this is right' or something else a bit less aggressive. it is something i continue to work on improving.

Why work on it? Seems like you've got a system that works for you.

I'd much rather have a boss tell me "Stop fucking around and do this right" than beat around the bush with niceties and passive aggressiveness.

Some professions don't lend themselves to being overly polite. I think (and I could be wrong) that your's is one of them. It's part of the culture, and it weeds out those that aren't willing to accept it. Frankly, it's what made some jobs out there as great as they are.

ETA: One of the best bosses i've ever had said something to me that this post reminded me of. When speaking of the current crop of applicants (entitlement, work ethic, neediness), and wether or not we just had to 'deal with it' he said, "i've got high fucking standards, and i'm not going to lower them for anyone". I appreciate that attitude, and feel it's one more people should have. Good on ya.

[MercenaryChef]

It's ok, Gordon. It plays well on TV.

More seriously, is this a problem keeping professional and personal behavior separate? I can imagine if you're trying to serve a customer a fancy dish within 20 minutes, but might not have time to be polite and circumspect.

i think that the professional behavior is some 12-14 hours per day and easily spills into the personal.

Why work on it? Seems like you've got a system that works for you.

I'd much rather have a boss tell me "Stop fucking around and do this right" than beat around the bush with niceties and passive aggressiveness.

Some professions don't lend themselves to being overly polite. I think (and I could be wrong) that your's is one of them. It's part of the culture, and it weeds out those that aren't willing to accept it. Frankly, it's what made some jobs out there as great as they are.

ETA: One of the best bosses i've ever had said something to me that this post reminded me of. When speaking of the current crop of applicants (entitlement, work ethic, neediness), and wether or not we just had to 'deal with it' he said, "i've got high fucking standards, and i'm not going to lower them for anyone". I appreciate that attitude, and feel it's one more people should have. Good on ya.

it does work for me...mostly. but, there are other people who tend to get upset. hell, some of them in fact cry. human resources is real. i prefer to not deal with them.

so, as i have gotten older in my career i have tried to learn and adapt my managerial style. it is hard though.

[Tears of Lys]

In the medical profession, in the USA, at least, there's been a "tradition" that says new interns have to work an insane amount of hours at low pay until they're ready to drop on their feet. Why? TRADITION!

The older doctors who have been through this already know how detrimental this situation is to learning and what a stupid con game it is, benefitting only the hospitals, who get a low-paid workforce. There's no reason to keep it going except TRADITION!

Whenever I hear anyone use that term to describe an antiquated and abusive system, I think BULLSHIT!

ETA: Never mind. I must have been thinking of a different thread.

I shouldn't sleep until 4:00 - serves me right.

[Larry of the Lawn]

In the medical profession, in the USA, at least, there's been a "tradition" that says new interns have to work an insane amount of hours at low pay until they're ready to drop on their feet. Why? TRADITION!

The older doctors who have been through this already know how detrimental this situation is to learning and what a stupid con game it is, benefitting only the hospitals, who get a low-paid workforce. There's no reason to keep it going except TRADITION!

Whenever I hear anyone use that term to describe an antiquated and abusive system, I think BULLSHIT!

ETA: Never mind. I must have been thinking of a different thread.

I shouldn't sleep until 4:00 - serves me right.

s'okay Tears, well said!

[DemiNymph]

Ask yourself what's your purpose of starting the conversation. Most of the time, you do not need to continue the "because"... don't bother saying your reasons. It's always the words after "because" that are "hurtful" and cause drama. Just say the bare minimum that you need to accomplish the outcome you want. You need to anticipate the drama and shut it down before it's ignited. You should be intelligent enough to predict what are the some expected responses to each comment and come out with scripts to counter it. It's like chess but you should have the pieces first. Anyway it occurs to me, if your friend plays MtG he should be better at planning this out than you, which makes me think that's why you can't get your money back. He always has a card up his sleeve to counter your words, right?

I will be unable to go to the gym with you.

Return me my money.

They will definitely ask the reason. I'm an ass so I'll just say, "just because."

But if you want to keep their friendship or increase your EQ, you have to come up with some little white lie that closes the loop for any further discussion and of course use something that is not being able to be exposed in which case it will all backfire and your roommate may turn psycho and murder you or something.