Arkhangel Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 It sounds like from her behaviour, it was a one-sided attraction on your part and she didn't feel confident saying no outright to someone more senior than her at work and also significantly older. To be honest you might have made her really uncomfortable by repeatedly asking. It would be very inappropriate and possibly skating a work-place harassment scenario to ask again regardless of whether she breaks up with this other guy or not. She knows you're interested, she apparently isn't, so leave her alone now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 9 hours ago, sperry said: I have no idea how the standard way to decline a date became to feign interest but claim to be busy, but it is it what it is. Don't take it personally, that's just the way the dating game works. Because, at least in the case of a woman turning down a man, outright saying that you're not interested typically results in the person calling you a "dyke" or "bitch" or other wonderful slurs, or the person starts arguing with you that you don't REALLY mean it and just it a try or, in the case of a few, the person stabbing or shooting you. It is much safer to go with the vague blow-off and then get the hell away from the person doing the asking. http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 10 hours ago, sperry said: I have no idea how the standard way to decline a date became to feign interest but claim to be busy, but it is it what it is. Don't take it personally, that's just the way the dating game works. Most people don't enjoy bluntly hurting other people's feelings. It's easier and gentler to say "Sorry, I'm busy every day for the next millenium" as opposed to "your breath stinks, I hate your music, and don't find you attractive" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 It's always best to assume it's wishful thinking and that she's not interested. It's lonely as fuck but it spares you from being in and putting a woman situations like that. I've was in a situation just like that and I wound up being friends with her but I try and avoid the situation. I'd prefer not to be that guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maithanet Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 13 hours ago, Clueless Northman said: Of course, I might talk to her about my feelings , in the probably misguided and stupid hope of her trying to check on me if she ever becomes single again. Or if it turns out she actually had some feelings for me, and considering her relationship is still recent, I might try to fight and woo her more openly, but I think it'd be a dick move, one I've never done until now, unfair and unfriendly - and would fully expect that to turn her off and piss her off. Do not do any of this. If she wanted to go out with you, she would have found a time over the past few months to make it happen. She wasn't interested enough to make that happen, which means she wasn't interested. Just let it go, don't be the guy that keeps hitting on a younger woman at work, that is scummy for a lot of reasons. You are in a fine spot now, you have expressed interest and she knows that is out there. Best case scenario, she really was interested and might take you up on it some time in the future. Probably not, but it could happen. Regardless, you don't have to do anything other than be friendly/professional with her and continue looking elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sologdin Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 don't attempt to date subordinates. end of story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 8 minutes ago, sologdin said: don't attempt to date subordinates. end of story. This is the first post of yours I've ever read that I can understand. And yes I agree wholeheartedly. It's never a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Dude, she is just not that into you. It's not something you did or didn't do or something the other guy did or didn't do. She just likes him better than you. Leave her alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clueless Northman Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Thanks, I knew you wouldn't let me down. Obviously, there were things I didn't mention or wasn't - deliberately - clear about in first post. Most precisely, being clear about the situation tends to help me bring closure. I kind of needed just that last smallest nudge to be there and do what should be done (next paragraph), and that would've ideally come from her, barring that it would've come from friends - but my closest ones aren't the most reliable when it comes to relationship and feeling advices -, so it eventually came from here. I'd say what comes now is crystal-clear - and I've considered doing it for the whole last month. It's over, there's no hope and nothing to seek, so done with it. When I have the occasion to talk with her one to one for a few minutes - and definitely before this month is over, though I'll try to find the best way/occasion for her not to stress out at the thought of having a small talk -, I'll giver her formal apologies and ask for her forgiveness for all the inconveniences, worries and trouble I might have caused her. And yeah, I feel like shit, because that won't go anywhere, because I was foolish enough to get entangled that badly - even though she's worth it and even more -, and most importantly I feel absolutely terrible because I've got the feeling I caused worries or hurt the one of the persons who's dearest to me - and that's something I can't forgive myself for, even if she could. What follows is basically side-note. She's not my subordinate, and I always make clear to everyone that they should consider me equal; they should definitely consider me equal and nothing more and never spare me when it's not work-related, even if it's talk/stuff happening at the office. Since I knew from the get-go there's always a risk of the girl being too nice and not wanting to hurt feelings, I was very clear that it would be no problem if she wasn't interested in a drink and should just say no, it would have no further effect on any part of friendly relationship, job or not-job-related - I actually told her that twice. There was a time when, during an unrelated discussion, I had downright told her that if there was anything just bothering her - way before going to "pissed off" status -, she should literally tell me to fuck off, and I would do and would be fine with that and with her, I would rather actually be proud of her - I obviously feared that my reminder could've annoyed her, but the scope was all-encompassing. I'm frustrated because I tried my best to make her as comfortable as possible to be open and clear on her reply, specifically to avoid that exact situation - which I feared could happen if I didn't have an answer -, and I'm very sorry for her and am saddened that she didn't feel confident enough - I want her good, I want her to succeed, I want her to be happy, and therefore I want her not to have as much self-doubt, to be stronger and more assertive if possible (not that I can do anything about it, not that I should tell her). As for fearing my wrongly expected reaction, I don't think it's the norm around here to be as shitty as described above, my female friends don't complain about reactions being that bad - and my close ones would let me know if men were globally that dickish. Maybe younger ones, but it would surprise, disappoint and utterly disgust me if they're that awful. Even though she couldn't be 100% sure I would be fine with an immediate rebuke - and would have vastly preferred it. But then she doesn't know that the girl who told me straight on "No, not before, not now, not ever" 15 years ago is my best (female) friend and has been so for a very long time since that epic fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Honestly dude...I would just leave it. You have overthought this WAY too much, like, I mean...she obviously doesn't feel you have the same sort of significance in her life (I'm sorry) as she does in yours. So like, pulling her aside again on a one to one is just going to be even more uncomfortable for her...just leave it. I doubt you've totally mentally scarred her or scared her to death. She's probably okay. And will continue to be okay if you're polite and friendly at work. But no dramatic allusions to feelings because I don't think that is going to make the situation any better. And really, you may have some very close female friends, I have some very close male friends but I don't make a habit I letting them know how shitty men can be so even if you're friends haven't told you it doesn't mean none of the women you know hasn't had a bad experience rejecting a man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Yeah, 100% just leave it. It is way kinder and more respectful of her feelings than any apology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Yes, there is NO further need for discussion for her. Nothing happened, you guys never went on a single date, all this talking about something that was never a thing would freak me out and make me feel like the person was not going to back off and go back to normal even if they were pulling me aside to tell me it was all going to be normal again. If that is/was true, show her, don't tell her. This is all a way way bigger thing for you than her and the only way to smooth that over is to return to coworker appropriate only. Telling people to consider you and equal and to consider it okay to tell you things does not automatically make them feel those things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sologdin Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 46 minutes ago, Clueless Northman said: She's not my subordinate, and I always make clear to everyone that they should consider me equal; they should definitely consider me equal and nothing more and never spare me when it's not work-related, even if it's talk/stuff happening at the office. Since I knew from the get-go there's always a risk of the girl being too nice and not wanting to hurt feelings, I was very clear that it would be no problem if she wasn't interested in a drink and should just say no, it would have no further effect on any part of friendly relationship, job or not-job-related - I actually told her that twice. There was a time when, during an unrelated discussion, I had downright told her that if there was anything just bothering her - way before going to "pissed off" status -, she should literally tell me to fuck off, and I would do and would be fine with that and with her, I would rather actually be proud of her - I obviously feared that my reminder could've annoyed her, but the scope was all-encompassing. from her perspective, you have sufficient seniority, credentials, and managerial authority to be her superior, irrespective of whether you maintain an informal subordination or are not actually in her chain of command. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A True Kaniggit Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 To reinforce the don't apologize advice, just don't do it. From her POV you have nothing to apologize for, and it'll probably just weird her out. Let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Just honestly stop entertaining any ideas about her whatsoever other than friendly work colleague. It hurts but going over things will only hurt more. Honestly, I'm glad you posted here and I hope you take on board what everyone is saying because from the sounds of this it could have been a total trainwreck when it really all it is is a big old nothing. No problem unless you create one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Completely agree with everyone on being professional and not ever bringing it up again with her in future, but also, no one actually buys it when the boss says 'just treat me like an equal'. The slight edge of blame towards her for not being comfortable outright rejecting an older and more senior man at work is not fair. She tried to let the matter drop in a graceful way - no one is really 'too busy' for drinks for months at a time if they actually want to go - and now you need to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datepalm Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 Yup, let it go - there are no fences that require mending and attempting to will be what does it. To be honest, it also reads to me like you're looking for more opportunities to interact with her, in not-superficial, not-100%-collegiate ways. The surface reason for it may be to apologize and put it all behind, but really you're just building up - or hoping to - a more complex relationship with more bits and pieces of accumulated emotional baggage. Don't go there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 52 minutes ago, Arkhangel said: Completely agree with everyone on being professional and not ever bringing it up again with her in future, but also, no one actually buys it when the boss says 'just treat me like an equal'. The slight edge of blame towards her for not being comfortable outright rejecting an older and more senior man at work is not fair. She tried to let the matter drop in a graceful way - no one is really 'too busy' for drinks for months at a time if they actually want to go - and now you need to do the same. Yeah blaming her (even in a small way) for being too uncomfortable to directly reject an older, senior work colleague isn't fair at all. You might not believe women really have to deal with any danger when rejecting men but read xray's link. Whenwomenrefuse is a terrifying blog, to be honest...you might think "not all men are that violent/crazy!" but enough are...to make it a pretty important thing for women to try to look after themselves and he as polite/nonconfrotational as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 4 hours ago, Arkhangel said: Completely agree with everyone on being professional and not ever bringing it up again with her in future, but also, no one actually buys it when the boss says 'just treat me like an equal'. The slight edge of blame towards her for not being comfortable outright rejecting an older and more senior man at work is not fair. She tried to let the matter drop in a graceful way - no one is really 'too busy' for drinks for months at a time if they actually want to go - and now you need to do the same. Quoting all of this for truth. And pointing at Solo's post for good measure, as he brings up another very important point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 It's already done, just let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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