Dating Thread: Hope Springs Eternal

[A Horse Named Stranger]

7 hours ago, Tywin et al. said:

Why is everyone okay with me being a hostage, threated to be tied down by this wealthy, attractive woman?

Because it's upgrade to your poor socks while watching Paw Patrol for inspiration.

I am not judging you, I am just curious, with all that porn internet, how you managed to make Paw Patrol your thing. Again not judging you, whatever floats your boat (or raises your tent) and so on, and you are still obviously a better babysitter than Michael Jackson.

But Paw Patrol, I just can't get my head around it...

[Toth]

13 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I don’t know about that. I think what you say makes a lot of sense to a lot of people, and I’m generally in the camp of “whatever works for someone is great for them!” - it might work for some, but not others.

Mmh... I think what he means is not just about personal preference, but... the fear that in our modern dating world it would and certainly does cut down communication. I assume if you are focused on one person, you'll focus more on how to make it work, on discussing how to define your relationship and (hopefully in a healthy manner) both people adjust their expectations as long as nobody tears down any of their needed boundaries or decide to call quits when they are too incompatible. But when people become options, you'll see them as more immovable, are more prone to judge them without saying anything and drop people because someone else seems superficially less of a hassle at an early point in the process. Oh, and for bonus points they will get ghosted and will never learn what the reason was.

[BigFatCoward]

The most people I ever dated was 6 (3 in London, 3 at home, I'm not a monster). But I knew I had zero interest in any of them long term even though they were all pretty great.

When I met my wife (and my only other serious partner) I knew I had no interest in anything else. 

But I suppose how long you are prepared to give a relationship a chance to develop depends on where you are in your life. 

[Toth]

19 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I think two people who have decent introspection and are close to the age of 50 or beyond it are past the above.

I can’t say this is for everyone at my age - hell, the Doctor had zero introspection.

Fair enough. I guess I'm just... kinda cynical in that I doubt that even most people have it...

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Yeah, I’m all for the idea that whatever works for you is good, and I also agree that it very much depends what you’re after. When I had my last period of dating, which is five years ago now, I wanted to meet my future wife and mother of my future children. I wanted to fall in love, and I felt I just couldn’t do that without giving each person I dated a fair chance. I think Toth is on to something here. In online dating, it is all too easy to discard dates and hope someone better is around the corner, but I had to spend quite some time with my wife-to-be before we really clicked, and I think I might have moved on if I didn’t have that patience. 

[Ser Lany]

I tried dating when I first moved to Texas. It didn't go well. I was on "our time" but there were two groups of guys on there: the one night stands and the want to marry. I want a FRIEND to do friend things with, hang out, go places, and sure, benefits too, but the friend part was what was important to me.

So now I just romance characters in my video game.   (not really joking though)

[Tywin et al.]

37 minutes ago, Madame deVenoge said:

Oh, agreed. Dating apps have made many people believe there is always a better / more attractive partner just around the corner. 

I wouldn't limit it to dating apps. It's social media in general. 

[A Horse Named Stranger]

Ofc you wouldn't

[Tywin et al.]

German porn is more explainable than you having a PAW patrol clip on cue. 

[A Horse Named Stranger]

46 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

German porn is more explainable than you having a PAW patrol clip on cue. 

Or your ability to compose posts with one hand.

[Jace, Extat]

11 minutes ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Or your ability to compose posts with one hand.

 

[Toth]

Crossing fingers that it will work out beyond the honeymoon phase!

 

Sigh, this is probably the wrong thread and should get into the Mental Wellbeing thread, but I wanted to end on a positive note there. That I'm posting it here just proves I am making wrong assumptions, but I suppose I prefer it as some kind of inter-gender-relation worries. So... I've got a new coworker for a few months now and it is quite telling that my current slump of intense loneliness is warping my vision because I cannot help but feel a little taken aback and uneasy about her behavior. We actually barely interacted with each other despite her taking a seat next to me in the staff room, mostly since she is always busy elsewhere and I couldn't get beyond some standard questions about what she was teaching in general and at the moment. However a few weeks ago I helped her out in a rather... silly situation on the way home and noticed that since then she seems remarkably eager to greet me. With exaggerated waving and a big smile. At one point running after me to ask how I am while I was busily walking to class in the opposite direction.

I know that's mostly her personality or rather something she just does because she isn't speaking the language too well and uses that to get her point across and I am so damned awkward in my reactions and despite wanting to just... have a normal interaction, I am still constantly fighting my reflex to go for avoidance until things return to my kind of normal. It is also rather telling that after that stupid little thing where I helped her, she asked whether my direction home is the same and I said no, wished her well and walked to the train station... only to realize later on that she was just taking the cablecar into the exact same direction and I probably could have joined her. Granted, that was more a mistake than anything else, but I guess it sets the mood to me being too focused on my own misery to pay attention.

[maarsen]

4 hours ago, Toth said:

Crossing fingers that it will work out beyond the honeymoon phase!

 

Sigh, this is probably the wrong thread and should get into the Mental Wellbeing thread, but I wanted to end on a positive note there. That I'm posting it here just proves I am making wrong assumptions, but I suppose I prefer it as some kind of inter-gender-relation worries. So... I've got a new coworker for a few months now and it is quite telling that my current slump of intense loneliness is warping my vision because I cannot help but feel a little taken aback and uneasy about her behavior. We actually barely interacted with each other despite her taking a seat next to me in the staff room, mostly since she is always busy elsewhere and I couldn't get beyond some standard questions about what she was teaching in general and at the moment. However a few weeks ago I helped her out in a rather... silly situation on the way home and noticed that since then she seems remarkably eager to greet me. With exaggerated waving and a big smile. At one point running after me to ask how I am while I was busily walking to class in the opposite direction.

I know that's mostly her personality or rather something she just does because she isn't speaking the language too well and uses that to get her point across and I am so damned awkward in my reactions and despite wanting to just... have a normal interaction, I am still constantly fighting my reflex to go for avoidance until things return to my kind of normal. It is also rather telling that after that stupid little thing where I helped her, she asked whether my direction home is the same and I said no, wished her well and walked to the train station... only to realize later on that she was just taking the cablecar into the exact same direction and I probably could have joined her. Granted, that was more a mistake than anything else, but I guess it sets the mood to me being too focused on my own misery to pay attention.

If you do get a chance to talk again, and it seems you will, don't hide your shyness and anxiety from her. You don't need to overemphasize it either but just explain that you do have issues. People do understand and will give you some slack. Good luck. She seems to actually find you interesting.

[Toth]

18 minutes ago, maarsen said:

If you do get a chance to talk again, and it seems you will, don't hide your shyness and anxiety from her. You don't need to overemphasize it either but just explain that you do have issues. People do understand and will give you some slack. Good luck. She seems to actually find you interesting.

I will certainly not do that! Admitting to anxiety, even introversion is a quick way to repel people. I can't exactly fake confidence either, so I just have to... be normal me. Even if it's stressed and tired me that still has stuff not done in a 62 hour week.

And as I said, I don't think she actually finds me "interesting", it's just I'm not used to basic friendliness that other people would consider normal I guess.

[Maithanet]

I agree.  I mean, don't overshare/burden her with your challenges, but a little, "sorry if I come across as anxious or something, I'm just a little shy" is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.  People appreciate both self-awareness and honest communication. 

[Erik of Hazelfield]

So here I was thinking that I would have little to contribute to this thread now that I’m engaged. Not so! It turns out the weirdest thing happened to me a few days ago. I opened the mail and there was a package I didn’t know I ordered. So I opened it and there was a book inside. I immediately recognised the author of the book: my first girlfriend whom I broke up with 10 years ago. 

Apparently she has now become a published author and this is her debut novel, which seems to be based on her previous relationships. And yes, I’m in it! In no flattering terms, at that. It’s fictional and contains no real names, but a good quarter of the book is actually based on our relationship. It ends with her screaming at fictional me and someone else punching his face, I shit you not. 

The book was sent to my address and signed with the single comment “thanks for the inspiration, “[fictional name]”. Now I have no idea how to respond to this. Should I apologise somehow? Be angry? Afraid? Grateful that she made fictional me have better taste in clothes than I actually had? Angry that she made me shorter than I actually am? 

Apparently she’s been married for 7 years, so I don’t think she’s still obsessing over me in any way. Apart from, you know, writing a book. 

[Maithanet]

I don't think you need to do anything.  If your ex wants to write a book, that is her decision.  I suppose it's nice that she let you know that the book exists so you aren't blindsided when some mutual acquaintance mentions it (which would probably happen one way or another).  But on the other hand, that note is fairly petty.

I would chock it up as a funny story to tell at parties - my ex wrote book with a fictionalized version of how terrible I am! 

That part of your life is over, and good riddance. 

[Derfel Cadarn]

I gave a character the same surname as the first name of a friend, albeit one I’ve not seen in 14 years. By coincidence.

But since he might read the books, I’m going to have to kill him off in the next one.

[Larry of the Lawn]

1 hour ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

. Now I have no idea how to respond to this. Should I apologise somehow? Be angry? Afraid? Grateful that she made fictional me have better taste in clothes than I actually had? Angry that she made me shorter than I actually am? 

Just want to say this bit sent me