Tobin Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 [color="#808080"]Mom left yesterday morning, I'm doing fine. Puttered around the apartment, cleaned and played a little WoW. I think I'm starting into the 'acceptance' stage. I'm definitely strengthening up - getting some of my confidence back. Even Heika noticed when I went to pick up my mail and discuss bill divisions. He said he could see the 'old me' coming back through. We had a really good in-depth heart-2-heart, some tears on both sides. I won't bore you with details, but the boiled down version is that he [i]DOES[/i] want us to work out ([i]so I wasn't crazy and seeing signs that weren't there, yay for vindication![/i] [/color][color="#808080"][/color][color="#808080"]). We talked for hours and came clean on things that had bothered us about each other and the situation. We agreed to make changes and work toward a functional partnership rather than a vehicle for co-dependence. We made a pact that if one of us started to slide, the other would tell them immediately to correct it, so things wouldn't spiral out of control again. We agreed that we shouldn't see each other much for at least a month or two - that it would give us time to regain our independence and come back fresh. Overall, I'm feeling rather positive - but I'm not going to count my dragons before they're hatched. I've also had to admit the possibility that during this process, he and I would continue to grow more independent and eventually find someone else. That I would even entertain that idea was something I hadn't done up to this point. Mom seemed happy that Heika and I had a good talk - she wants what's best. As for the door lock issue - it really [i]was[/i] broken. The whole bolt cylinder is bent (somehow). Heika said that he gotten the new lock to placate his father and provide an extra key while remodeling is being done. He said his dad would have kept harping and replaced the lock anyway - so Heika picked out a lock that he liked and short circuited the whole drhama. [/color] [color="#808080"]Until they broke the new one too, :unsure: [/color][color="#808080"]. Apparently, Heika's mother has been telling everyone who would listen that we're 'divorced', rather than separated. [/color][color="#808080"][/color] [color="#808080"]I wouldn't put it past her to insist on an official divorce proceeding even if we worked things out and I moved back in. Gods know what she would do if we told her we were pregnant - she'd probably faint from 'the scandal'. :rolleyes: Seriously, we're still f*cking married - separated or not, :tantrum: [/color] [color="#808080"]I vented about his parents to him and he agreed. I told him that part of my reluctance to buy a house was because of them - I wanted the house to be something we saved for, picked out, made ours. His parents want to 'help' but always with strings attached. He said that if we won the lottery, first thing he would do (aside from change our phone number) would be to cut his parents a check for "everything" and then tell them to f*ck off. I showed him I had a lottery ticket in my purse. He teased me about it - then promptly went to look to see if they were winning numbers. [/color][color="#808080"][/color] [color="#808080"]I'm sure some of you are slamming your head on your keyboard - but I promise you: [b]I'm getting stronger - I'm a Wolf, not a Worm - I will not be defeated, even by myself.[/b][/color] [/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhom Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1612739' date='Dec 8 2008, 14.11'][color="#808080"]I'm sure some of you are slamming your head on your keyboard - but I promise you: [b]I'm getting stronger - I'm a Wolf, not a Worm - I will not be defeated, even by myself.[/b][/color] [/color][/quote] Haven't commented in a while... but yes, I would say that's probably a pretty accurate description of what a lot of people will think. Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Billy Clyde' post='1612742' date='Dec 8 2008, 14.15']Haven't commented in a while... but yes, I would say that's probably a pretty accurate description of what a lot of people will think. Best of luck to you.[/quote] The keyboard part? yeah - I'm ready for it though. I'm tired of being a wuss, even here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Scot A Ellison Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin, Did he give you a Key to the new lock? Boy his parents sound unpleasent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellis Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin, good luck. A little space and distance will be a good thing, will provide some perspective. Don't talk to him right away now. Go out with some friends and find some hobbies or other things you can do. Offline. I know you'll be fine, whatever happens. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naz Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'm kinda with you on this, Tobin... to some extent. I'm one of those (naive) people that feel that each circumstance should be judged on its own merit, especially when all the context, facts and personalities are not known. I'm more of a try-to-work-it-out kind of person rather than a cut-and-run person so I feel it's important to keep trying until the point where you feel that the marriage is just not salvageable. [i][For the record - and for those who may think that my naivete comes from inexperience - my wife was previously married and from what she and others have told me, her situation was not salvageable when it ended. In that case, it was the right thing to do. So I'm not saying that you should *always* try to salvage *every* marriage.][/i] Anyway, while I do slightly share the concern that some of the well-meaning boarders have brought up about you being taken for a ride and all, I also feel confident that ultimately only you know what's best for yourself. Since you've asked for people's opinions, you seem to be open to them and thus are moving forward as someone who's not completely in the dark. Listen to the advice of others and proceed with caution, but make your own decisions. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Ser Scot A Ellison' post='1612761' date='Dec 8 2008, 14.27']Tobin, Did he give you a Key to the new lock? Boy his parents sound unpleasent.[/quote] He hasn't replaced the set yet - the deadbolt still works, so the door isn't totally unsecure. I think he's waiting until all the work crews are done before risking another try. The drywall is all in, but there is still quite a bit of electrical work to be finished. He puffed up a bit when I mentioned that I changed my locks as well - I pointed at him and said: "That's exactly how I felt." He settled down after that. If we're going to stay away from each other for a while - a key isn't immediately required (though I'd want one anyway). We'll see if I get one as a Christmas present - will go a long way to determine if he gets one of mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arbor Gold Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin - exchanging keys as Christmas presents seems to contradict the plan to not contact him for one or two months in order to gain independence. Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Arbor Gold' post='1612784' date='Dec 8 2008, 14.51']Tobin - exchanging keys as Christmas presents seems to contradict the plan to not contact him for one or two months in order to gain independence. Best of luck to you.[/quote] It does - but we had already set plans up for Christmas. During the discussion yesterday, we agreed to make an allowance for special/emergency circumstances if they arose. We can't predict what will happen or what will come up - so making a blanket "NO ZONE" between us may not be fully possible. I've come a long way after not talking to him for a week - two months and I'll be damn near another person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronn Stone Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I've only browsed this thread now and then. But I think the recurring theme has been and should be that whatever makes you happy is in the longest term for the best. You've made no secret of your wish that under specific conditions, you would welcome a reconciliation. It sounds like he's made significant steps in the direction of separating himself from the domination of his parents and you are right to encourage the process. The only ongoing advice I'd offer is that you have to try to do your best to stand firm on those issues which were dealbreakers before. Don't let your euphoria from a renewal of hope blind you to the fundamental flaws that existed before and can exist again if you let them. You are doing your part on developing greater independence - he has to do his and you have to step away (as much as it hurts) if he doesn't. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponine Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1612739' date='Dec 8 2008, 14.11']I vented about his parents to him and he agreed. I told him that part of my reluctance to buy a house was because of them - I wanted the house to be something we saved for, picked out, made ours. His parents want to 'help' but always with strings attached. He said that if we won the lottery, first thing he would do (aside from change our phone number) would be to cut his parents a check for "everything" and then tell them to f*ck off. I showed him I had a lottery ticket in my purse. He teased me about it - then promptly went to look to see if they were winning numbers.[/quote] head.desk.slam I can't even start saying what all is wrong with the above story. I'm going to back off of giving opinions about your situation because I can't really say anything positive except that I hope things work out the way you want them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
makotohanabi Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin, Been reading the thread, and I'm glad things are going better for you right now. I have to agree with the others who suggest you get a lawyer [preferably the meanest and most ruthless lawyer in your state] and tell the husband that he if he wants to communicate with he must do it through your lawyer. Right now I suspect he's telling you what you want to hear. If you have a lawyer he will know where you stand, and if he is sincerely interested in reconciliation he can very easily mention it to your lawyer. Not communicating with him for 2 months is a good start, you can truly start by emailing him and canceling your plans. If you keep making exceptions to the don't communicate rule, it means nothing. I strongly suggest seeing a therapist and discovering what you want instead of what the husband wants you to be. Hope it works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellis Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin, Seriously. I don't agree with some of your harshest critics, and I said in the meta-thread I don't want to give advice, but I do agree that you shouldn't see him at the holidays. If it works out, there will be plenty of other holidays. What you need now is "me time", time to be yourself without him. Time to remember what "being with yourself" feels like. My SO and I went long distance about 5 months ago, so I know, recently and firsthand, how difficult it is to be alone. And how wonderful it is learning that you can be alone and that you can do things with other people who aren't your SO, that you can have a life without him. Do you have any close friends or family you can visit in another city? Take off between Xmas and New Year's. Go hang out with a girlfriend from before you met Heika. Get out of town!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arbor Gold Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1612799' date='Dec 8 2008, 12.03']We can't predict what will happen or what will come up - so making a blanket "NO ZONE" between us may not be fully possible.[/quote] The only way this is not possible is if you keep coming up with excuses to see him, such as "we already made plans for Christmas." This is not an urgent reason to see him, it is an excuse. I agree 100% with Bellis: get. out. of. town. Go anywhere. Go by yourself or with friends. Just go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raidne Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Tobin, What on earth is his mother's problem with you? On the overall subject of reconciliation, I'm happy that things are moving in a direction that you're happy with. I wondered from the first if the co-dependence thing was his major issue, but I have to say that I dismissed that idea from the first because I cannot imagine how that issue alone could move a person to divorce. Relationships are full of ebbs and flows and require constant readjustment. That you two fell into a pattern that wasn't making either of you happy is regrettable, but is also within the normal course of a relationship. If that was really the problem, why couldn't you sit down, talk about it, and readjust and realign your roles in your relationship? Or, go to couples counseling? I'm sure we don't know everything (maybe he tried all these things and you flatly refused, I really don't know), but just looking at what you've shared here, a person who thinks divorce in the face of normal problems like that seems inherently self-centered and immature about relationships and the whole idea of marriage. I'm [i]not[/i] saying you should never get back together if it's what you both want, but I do think he should be made accountable for that if you do, he should acknowledge that it was wrong, and you should get some real reassurance that he won't handle your problems like that in the future. I can't imagine this being done in a real way [i]without[/i] couples counseling. Otherwise, I wonder how you could ever feel secure in this relationship in the future. I'm so glad you're feeling better about everything and getting yourself back, and I'm actually crossing my fingers and hoping that you do ultimately work it out. And you seem to know that getting some space for awhile seems to be essential to that or any other possible outcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Progressive Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Lol, why is it always the mother of your significant others who try to sabotage one's relationships? 3 so far in my book, one of which is in hindsight the quintessential korean mom, lol, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odie Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I hope everything works out for you, Tobin... I have a very bad feeling about the direction this has taken, but it's not my life. That doesn't shake my gut feeling however, that you're only letting this drag on and fester. Good luck with everything... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlle. Zabzie Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Tobin - you sound so much better. I'm very happy for that. Good luck, stay busy and be well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Tobin best of luck to you. Truly hope that everything turns out for the best. Just want to add that counseling is not a bad word. But I leave it up to you to make that choice. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaehaerys Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Hi Tobin, Any updates? Did you hire the lawyer full time? Are you focusing on your other friendships? Kind regards, Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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