Eponine Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 It's worrying me that as soon as you move out, he decides to fix up the house. Is it because he is hoping to show you that he has changed and wants to regain your trust, or is it because he sees a new phase of his life beginning without you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watcher Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Yes Tobin be very careful moving forward. I hope it does work out but examine why he is doing these things now instead of 6 or 7 months ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odie Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I totally agree - if he wants to work around the house, let him. If he wanted your help he shouldn't have kicked you out. I don't know if this date thing is healthy either... to me (an outside observer on the internet, obviously, so take my words with a grain of salt) he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a girlfriend... which would be fine, if you guys hadn't been married first. It also makes me question what else he's trying to pull... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 It certainly sounds girlfriend-ish, :( . He came over and we cooked steaks at my place on Friday - but he was kinda reserved. The talk with his aunt went kinda like I expected. He didn't tell me much, but I finally got out of him that she said all of her divorces (3) were hard, but in the end they were the best things. People get divorced too easily now - it's like: "Oh, this is work! this isn't what I expected!" and then they abandon what they have because it's easier. He's worth fighting for - he's worth working things out. It concerns me that I seem to be the only one who feels this way. Not that "everyone's against me" - but that I'm the only one with faith that we can do this. Or is that just denial talking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davos Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 [quote]He's worth fighting for - he's worth working things out. It concerns me that I seem to be the only one who feels this way. Not that "everyone's against me" - but that I'm the only one with faith that we can do this.[/quote] Been there. done that. Have the t-shirt and the emotional scars. I would strongly caution against getting your hopes up. It takes two to make a marriage work. It maybe that he's rethinking things. I may also be that he's found that he can get some of the benefits of having a relationship with none of the downsides of having to have a commitment. Don't let him take advantage of you. Maybe I'm cynical because of what I went through when my marriage fell apart. Hopefully things will work out for you. Just be careful. I fought long and hard to try to save my first marriage and ended up with nothing but pain for it. Looking back I would have been much better off recongnizing that there was no hope much earlier and letting go rather than continueing to fight an unwinnable battle. Until you admit its over you can't really start the healing process yourself. Every situation is different and its possible that he is genuinely willing to reconsider the situation. I'm just concerned because I don't want you to make the mistake I did by chasing a mirage and find yourself 6 months or a year latter with nothing to show for it but even more pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponine Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1598778' date='Nov 24 2008, 10.46']It certainly sounds girlfriend-ish, :( . He came over and we cooked steaks at my place on Friday - but he was kinda reserved. The talk with his aunt went kinda like I expected. He didn't tell me much, but I finally got out of him that she said all of her divorces (3) were hard, but in the end they were the best things. People get divorced too easily now - it's like: "Oh, this is work! this isn't what I expected!" and then they abandon what they have because it's easier. He's worth fighting for - he's worth working things out. It concerns me that I seem to be the only one who feels this way. Not that "everyone's against me" - but that I'm the only one with faith that we can do this. Or is that just denial talking?[/quote] You're not the only one believes that a marriage is worth fighting for, but your husband has to believe that too. It is too bad that there are not more people in his life encouraging him to do so, but ultimately it's a commitment that he has to make. If he will commit to your marriage, then yes, you should go through these rough times together and work on rebuilding your relationship. But you have to accept that you can't keep a person who doesn't want to be with you, no matter how hard you fight. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I really believe that what you should be fighting for is the outcome that you truly want and not much less. That's not saying you shouldn't make any compromises, but if what you want is a marriage where you're committed to one another, living together, not seeing other people, and developing trust and love, then you shouldn't settle for an absentee, non-commital husband just to be able to say you didn't get a divorce. That won't all come overnight, but he needs to be at least moving, even if slowly, toward the same things as you in the relationship (and that he presumably committed to and said he wanted when he married you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyanna Stark Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 For what it is worth Tobin, my parents divorced and got back together again. It IS possible, just really, really hard. It was never a straight path for them either. My aunt divorced my uncle at around the same time, and they are still divorced, so really, every case is individual. What I learnt from my parents' case was that what they were lacking was communication, and that was what they really had to work on. Do you think you are both up for that, or is it only you who are? Much strength :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Tobin I am sorry you are going through this. I don't feel like there is a lot I can add, to some already great advise but make sure you look out for you. Make sure to keep us posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 Thank you for sticking with me through this. It's hard to doubt your own mind/heart and still stay sane. He said that he would call me - so that's a small victory. Up until now I had basically been chasing him, now it's in his court to make the first move. I guess we'll see. I've tinkered with my proposed tattoo designs some more, even posted a [url="http://rvb.roosterteeth.com/members/profile.php?uid=491009"]poll[/url] to see what others think and if there were suggestions to improve it. I'm looking at putting it on my wrist, so it will be a visible reminder not to lose myself again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I have to admit I like your tattoo better with out the purple but they are booth sexy and it is awesome that you are doing something for yourself like this. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odie Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1599123' date='Nov 24 2008, 13.58']I've tinkered with my proposed tattoo designs some more, even posted a [url="http://rvb.roosterteeth.com/members/profile.php?uid=491009"]poll[/url] to see what others think and if there were suggestions to improve it. I'm looking at putting it on my wrist, so it will be a visible reminder not to lose myself again.[/quote] But.... but.... tattoos ARE for freaks!! :love: Per usual, Rusty said pretty much what I wanted to say, but with more depth and insight. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Yeah, Tobin, I'm really glad someone else brought it up. Don't settle for dating your husband. That's what it sounds like you're doing now and I worry for you. Also, you shouldn't clue him into your mutual friend (or anyone else) asking you out, that's not really his business and it just demonstrates that you will wait however long he wants for an answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 davos has pretty much nailed it, I think. Could this be a great sign? Sure. Is it likely to be? I don't think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaehaerys Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Any update? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobin Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 I haven't really talked to him because of the holiday - he went with his family and I stayed with mine. Mom has been staying with me at my apartment, so I haven't had opportunity to get out by myself. I dropped off some cards for him to deliver to family members I liked, but mom thought he wouldn't actually do it. When I was over there, I noticed he had changed the locks after he told me he wouldn't. He said he needed to make more keys before I could have one. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if I don't see anything within a week or two - I'm going to call him on it. Honestly, if it gets to that point, I expect him to play it off: that he was so busy that he didn't have time to get new keys made. I think it would be pretty conclusive. I keep trying to convince myself that it's still early - that things won't get better over night. But I feel like I'm sinking - that maybe everyone is right, and I just need to face the music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 He changed the [i]locks[/i]? Did he have any actual reason for doing this, like losing his keys or getting burgled or something? If not, it seems like a deliberate move aimed at you; the way he sees it, it's now HIS house, not one that belongs to both of you. He's easing his way out of it, and I really think you're setting yourself up for more misery if you keep seeing this guy; he sounds like a tool. Clean breaks heal much quicker than open wounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gryphon strike Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 I have to wonder if it is an obvious but petty ploy done because you have not given him a key to your apartment. Honestly Tobin I don't see what it is that you see in him. Yeah we get a limited perspective from what you tell us, that included though he has right royally screwed you over and now seems intent on playing with your emotions. I wish you the best of luck with the situation but I agree with Min, make a clean break you will heal more quickly and come out of it a stronger and wiser person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mormont Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 [quote name='Tobin' post='1605998' date='Dec 2 2008, 15.28']I haven't really talked to him because of the holiday - he went with his family and I stayed with mine. Mom has been staying with me at my apartment, so I haven't had opportunity to get out by myself. I dropped off some cards for him to deliver to family members I liked, but mom thought he wouldn't actually do it.[/quote] Family members of his, you mean? An unfortunate consequence of splitting up is that you probably won't see those people again, or not much. You might as well get used to that. Also, if he made no effort to contact you or see you during the holiday, that is a bad sign. [quote]When I was over there, I noticed he had changed the locks after he told me he wouldn't. He said he needed to make more keys before I could have one. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if I don't see anything within a week or two - I'm going to call him on it. Honestly, if it gets to that point, I expect him to play it off: that he was so busy that he didn't have time to get new keys made. I think it would be pretty conclusive.[/quote] It's pretty conclusive now. There seems to me little or no doubt to have the benefit of. Put aside the question of why he changed the locks for a second. If he intended that you should have a key, he'd have had one made for you when he had the work done. Even if he gives you a key now, it's to avoid arguments, not because he wants you to have one. 'Calling him on it' is pointless: he's already given you the message, loud and clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 [quote name='mormont' post='1606031' date='Dec 2 2008, 09.47']'Calling him on it' is pointless: he's already given you the message, loud and clear.[/quote] I fear that I must concur. I know you are still weening yourself off of hoping for a reconciliation, so it is not easy to see this, but from the outside looking in, that's a message written in neon green pen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray the Enforcer Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 [quote name='TerraPrime' post='1606040' date='Dec 2 2008, 10.51']I fear that I must concur. I know you are still weening yourself off of hoping for a reconciliation, so it is not easy to see this, but from the outside looking in, that's a message written in neon green pen.[/quote] Yep. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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