GOODKIND IX - Killer Queen

[VigoTheCarpathian]

I apologize in advance for this:

What is a glimpse of tits, but one desire enabled by dollar bills?

-- Terrius Yeürdius, Inane Ramblings

If the jaw of a child goes unkicked, does not the wicked man feel vindicated? Will he raise up his weapons in anger, or will he simply accept it like a bitch? -- Jöesephus Anderus, I Guess I’m Just A Useless Wizard Anyway

AnasRichamûbor Rahllus, the Seeker-Objectivist looked out upon the teeming hordes of those who followed his voice. There were the De Harans, the Garrleoth, the Mydlandi, all calling in chant: Master Rahllus guide us, Master Rahllüs teach us, Master Rahllus recognize the lies that our facial muscles betray. In your Trüth we trust, in your mind-games we play. Our lives are small.

-------~~~~~()~()~()~()~()~()~()~~~~~~-------

Kahlansmenet, the whore of Kelton, and now the Empress bearing the child of the Trûthyain, joined Rahllus at his right hand side. As a mistress of spies, she was responsible for ensuring that none who would oppose Rahllus would go without seeing her breasts before they died.

Xeddachmian X’rusas, Additivate Schoolman pulled his frame along the long halls of Ânderith, holy city of the elder prophet Nâthän Rahllus. Bags, I’ve lusted after that titty-baring whore for so long…why can’t Xedd get any!, he thought. But the lords of the Trüthy War against the Fimperia raged on.

"I’ve come to do battle with the Consultüsociâlists, their mysterious women wielders of words known as the Csihaüristers of the Därk, and above all, my father, Darkmoëngus!", said Rahllüs, whom the Trûthyain had sent him to kill.

“I am leaving now. Kick ass in my name, and salt the hearth of the heathen with yoür man-seed†the Seeker-Objectivist said. His holy light shone down upon the gathering of hardened fighters.

-------~~~~~()~()~()~()~()~()~()~~~~~~-------

Rahllus drew his sword, Certainty of Trüth, and stepped toward his blind father, Darkmoëngus. “You are blind the Thousandword Speech, father. You have willfully…<12 pages snipped out>.

“Oh yeah†Darkmoëngus replied, “I’m a Marxist terrorist and I think yoü are crazy, and don’t have the balls to murder innocents.†<10 pages of AnasRichamûbor kicking children and beating up hippies and people who don’t agree with him in front of his daddy>

“The death of Niccëwe did nothing for me, father. The voice of Äyndus Rândys speaks within me. I will fight the No-Trüth without yoü.†And he spoke the Cants of Condescension, all of a sudden a war broke oüt, and all his enemies were thus destroyed.

[kiko]

you know, that was actually better then both originals

I am unsure, if more rapes or more umlauts (also a kind of rape to harmless languages) would have made it even better.

[The Wolf Maid]

I apologize in advance for this:

Looks like I spoke too soon.

[Jon AS]

I am unsure, if more rapes or more umlauts (also a kind of rape to harmless languages) would have made it even better.

You know, I am pretty sure those are diaresises (or whatever the plural of diaresis is) and not umlauts.

But the parody is awesome either way. "Terrius Yeürdius"

[BranTheBuilder]

Thanks pat5150, that was interesting - I can understand mystar not liking most/all the folk on this thread, but (IIRC, you have merely provided a view into certain aspects of the industry - frequently in other threads.

Got to wonder how he "knows" so much about you and your work...

Shame, I was beginning to think that mystar was not as deluded/blinkered as he appeared.

Still, who cares really - there is no reason for anyone here to take it personally, and he really shouldn't either.

edit: thinking more on the comments in that email - asking fans who have traveled and paid to meet the author is no the best way to get an overview of public opinion... having a survay at a large general gathering (worldcon for example) would produce a much more balanced result.

[Werthead]

Occasionally I wonder if more than one person has access to Mystar's PC. Over on the Malazanempire forum he made several posts which were quite reasonable. Another poster from the TG forum came on, and also made several valid points. A good discussion seemed to be starting up. Mystar then flipped out like above for no real reason and the discussion came to an end. Very strange.

Indeed, every review for Phantom has been incredibly good and enthusiastic:

]What I find a bit unsettling, and I am not sure if it's an intentional metaphor or not, is Goodkind's war solution for the D'Haran army. From a tactical standpoint, I make no arguments (but Richard's speech very well could have bored the enemy to death saving untold bloodshed). However the Order is a religious movement and Goodkind's characters advocate bringing the war to the Order's soil in a "just kill them all" approach. The more I read the more it sounded like he was advocating using American troops to wipe out the Muslim Terrorists while trying not to kill the Muslim People. This plan doesn't work in real life, though it's perfectly fine for a fantasy novel. However the overriding sense of having a message rammed down my throat never left me and that's my biggest complaint about this novel.

The above review was actually otherwise quite complimentary about the novel, with this large caveat at the end.

The enemy here is a totalitarian, fundamentalist horde who want to forcibly convert the Old World to their ways, which basically entails lots of sadistic rape, war and, er, violent football. It may be simplistic, but at least there's more of an ideology behind their invasion than usual. The book is terribly talky, though. One conversation goes on for a bum-numbing ten chapters. And whilst it's no chore getting to page 587, it's somewhat frustrating to realise how little has actually happened to further the plot by the time you've got there. As the apparent penultimate book in the series, it's really just setting up the climax, which you can only hope comes soon. ***

Again, this review had a positive tone throughout, but then suddenly dropped this in at the end. Interestingly, btw for people who were wondering about Goodkind's odd keyboard arrangement, it's a Dvorak layout which allows for faster typing than a QWERTY (SFX has an occasionally amusing fact-box at the end of each review).

Novels which got better reviews than Phantom in this month's SFX (Europe's biggest-selling SF&F magazine, allegedly) include: Jim Courtenay Grimwood's End of the World Blues, Paul Kearney's This Forsaken Earth, Robert Rankin's The Toyminator, Kit Whitfield's Bareback, Robert Joseph Levy's Go Ask Malice, David Lee Stone's The Vanquish Vandetta and Mark Chadbourn's Jack of Ravens. Books which got worse reviews were Gwyneth Jones' Rainbow Bridge, Mario Routi's Orizon and Alan Fenton's The Return of Arthur. Steve Cockayne's The Good People got the same score.

Interesting to see how Dreamwatch and Starburst approach the book in their reviews.

EDIT: One definition of an Internet troll is someone who goes onto another site, loudly arses around and insults people there and doesn't take part in the board community spirit, only mocks and insults it. So do all of us, who take part in discussions about other books and ASoIaF, organise real-life meet ups and discuss our favourite books, bands, TV series, computer games and movies, fit this description? Or someone who shall remain nameless?

EDITEDIT: But we have gone into the territory of discussing another board and an individual not directly related to discussion of GK and his books, although the comments about the critical reception of Phantom are fair game. Tread carefully, people.

[Sad King Billy]

Just checked. Mystar has been active today, so he's definitely still here. Just not posting.

Sigh. It's really too bad that mystar turns every discussion into personal warfare, with insults as his ammonition (not that he's unique in that respect -far from it). It could be interesting what a calm discussion would result in. ah well, ah well.

Wert: I think he's referring to a post I made comparing elements from SOT to Goodkind. While I can agree that that post was dangerous on my part, it wasn't meant to be taken as "Goodkind is Mussollini incarnate!!!" It wás in jest, for the record, but it's understandable that it was taken as an insult. So what it's worth, my apologies for any harmed feelings....

[Werthead]

I would make one careful comment here. I don't think anyone has seriously, seriously called Goodkind himself a fascist. If it was said by anyone (and I honestly can't remember that it was), it was said in jest, I hope. Objectivism could be said to share some features with fascism (including overwhelmingly promoting the strength of the individual over the masses), but that's an altogether separate argument.

I think I pointed out that Richard Rahl has become a fascist character in the books, but as we were saying it is possible this is a deliberate power-corrupts thing (although this would be a thread of narrative complexity unusual for Goodkind), so we'll have to wait for the final book to be sure of that. There are a few slurs I don't think should be bandied around readily about a real person and 'fascist' is one of them. About a fictional character who butchers innocent people to achieve a greater geo-politicial and military aim, than that's fair enough.

[mormont]

[mod] pat: I am not happy about people reproducing private emails on the board without permission from the author of those mails. It's a privacy issue that's come up before, though you may not be aware of that, of course. If mystar had posted those comments publicly, I would have no problem with any of the responses, but as he did not I think we should respect the fact that that was a private mail.

And mr n, I know people's 'last active' is public info, but again I consider it bad etiquette to post that kind of thing. [/mod]

[Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn]

Can someone link a few reviews of Phantom?

[Zadok]

I've got to second the awesomeness of the "lemmings of discord" phrase. Maybe that could be the title for the next Goodkind thread?

[pat5150]

No problem, Mormont.

I wouldn't normally post an email I received. But since this one rages against me personally and at the people frequenting this thread, I told myself "What the heck?"

Patrick

[The Stranger]

Pat, sorry that we on this board have destroyed your reputation and controlled your mind, squandering your artistic talent.

now shut up and hit this crack pipe.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

*All opinion*

I really enjoy laughing, both with and at other people...children and old people falling down hold a particularly fond place in my heart. I've seen levels of ridicule that far surpass anything anyone has written on these boards (think Star Wars Episodes 1-3). The only thing that keeps the embers of my dislike of SoT going is that I once liked them, and liked talking about it with my friends.

I have friends who still like SoT (horrible fact: my brother has a Sword of Truth tattooed on his left arm), and they accept my opinions and argue with me about what is "good" and what is not "good". And being the cynical instigator that I am, I love sharing my opinions and my poisonous lemming mind with others. And I get a little bit of fuel every time I encounter people who say that their opinions are truth, who I disagree with (which basically means they think I'm a liar).

So, in conclusion, Pat, you are condemned for being around people with differing opinions. By this logic, my good friends who like SoT should be apologizing for comments made by others who also like SoT, since they share that opinion

*End of opinion*

Does anyone else think that an SoT porn flick would be possibly the best thing in the world? I picture a lot of wooden speeches during all of the sex scenes...ah, how I long for the future when I can put in my copy of "Wizard's First Tool", and know what it is to be alive.

[pat5150]

Yes, but isn't a forum supposed to be a venue where people with different opinions can discuss various topics at length!?!

I have always said that TG totally lost me with FotF. It is my pretention that the quality of the SoT series, which was already deteriorating, went downhill from there. Still, that didn't stop Goodkind's latest offering from debuting at number 1 on the NYT list last week.

I find some of the fanfic in this thread to be hilarious. Sue me!

The westeros board is in all likelihood the very best fantasy MB on the web. Thus, I think that Ron/Mystar is making an error when he claims that everyone here is a TG-hating troll. I believe, for the most part, that we are a well-read bunch, who have been around and who knows what's good and what's not. Trying to make us swallow that the SoT series is about the triumph of the human spirit and that we don't get the point of Goodkind's writing is a bucket that doesn't hold any water. I think all of us here see the point. We just don't like the series, that's all. Why can't it just end there? Why is it that anyone who doesn't idolize TG and hold the SoT in the highest esteem is automatically a dumbass or someone too dense to see the point?

I love Erikson and Bakker, while many here don't. Do you see me out there, preaching about how great those two authors are, and how anyone who doesn't enjoy their works just doesn't get it? No. Different taste for different people. To each his or her own.

I have no problem with fans of the SoT. Like Vigo, I know more than my share of them. They enjoy the tale, fine. End of story. But the fanatics, those who see TG as wisdom made flesh, those who believe that the SoT is the most brilliant work of fiction ever written, those who say that those books have changed their lives, well those I have a problem with. Especially when they tell me that I'm an uncouth, ignorant dumbass for not seeing all that is good about those books.

Now, I might be a dumbass, that's true! But it sure as hell ain't because I lost faith in the SoT.

Okay, boxing is about to start. Gotta go!

Patrick

P. S. Sign me up for that porn flick!

[Moshe Goldberg Rubinshteyn]

Vigo, you gave me the idea of a TG meets Ron Jeremy parody, alas I lost it while I tried posting it :cry: Anyway, here's the short version:

Uhhh ahhhh uhhhh ahhhh Kaaaaaahhhhlaaaaan

[The Wolf Maid]

Great post, pat.

Does anyone else think that an SoT porn flick would be possibly the best thing in the world? I picture a lot of wooden speeches during all of the sex scenes...ah, how I long for the future when I can put in my copy of "Wizard's First Tool", and know what it is to be alive.

...I want Paris Hilton as Violet as a Teenager!

Wait, if SoT will be a porn flick, will TG say it will be the 'death knell' of porn?

[Jaxom 1974]

Wait, if SoT will be a porn flick, will TG say it will be the 'death knell' of porn?

That depends. Is Ron Jeremy playing Dick Rahl, the Sword of Truth? Travelling the Midlands in search of his lost love, Kahlan, Mother Fuckin' Sex Confessor? Battling the forces of the Sisters of the Dark (for this we'll need three famous black porn stars, possibly triplets)...and the Order of Jagangbang (a ready made porn name if I've ever heard one!)...

It'll only loosely follow any kind of SoT plot lines, but it'll have all the sex and violence of the series!

[Larry.]

I feel like I've missed out on something by being mostly absent the past few days/nights here...oh, and Pat, I have to disagree a slight bit about one particular comment of yours about fansites...for obvious, biased reasons Couldn't let that slip past without comment

Anyways, if someone wants to have a bit of positive 'fun,' there is a newly-created 'other fantasy' section over at one of those sites, where I suppose people could just keep talking about other, non-TG writers in such a way that...nah, scratch that. Might just be best to build up a wall between certain sites and the fanbases, no?

But I must say, I'm still waiting waiting for someone to dare SoTomize John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (or any other book about dating/relationships/gender relations). I think there's a wealth of material available in the SoT books for that.

As for the Kellhus/Richard hybrid... :sick: :sick: :sick:

I'll be sure to send Bakker a copy - I have a bone to pick with him about his article in the new e-zine Jay Tomio started, Heliotrope. But that's a topic/thread for another time, right?

[Moosicus]

Can someone link a few reviews of Phantom?

There are a lot of lukewarm reviews here, be sure to scorll down to see the best one, by someone you know very well. Vote for me you bastards!