Dating 23: Post your dating inquiries here

[smegma]

Apparently we probably weren't even going to go Dutch!

It started me thinking about invasion of privacy and at what point does a spouse/girlfriend whatever have a right to look into someone's stuff.

I'll be honest - I did it in the past, and it was always warranted through suspicious phone calls or very covert behavior - and I always found confirmation of what I suspected. However, as I've gotten older I have made it a strict policy to never ever snoop, no matter how much ammo I might be given. That's for me personally, but I also can't say that I blame a suspicious girlfriend, either. If she hadn't, he might have kept on cheating on her for who knows how long.

Dating is hard. Putting your full and absolute trust in someone is even harder. But I think for me it's the only way I can go through life. If I end up getting "fooled" again because of it, well that's his problem, not mine.

[Theda Baratheon]

Mandy, is it at all possible that they are automated or something? That's bizarre.

So recently, a friend of a friend added me on Facebook. I accepted because I thought I knew him from when we were growing up. Turns out he just wanted to send me compelling FB messages like "wat up?" and "yo" and "u hot".

He asked me to go meet him for "tacos or some shit" (which is the most coherent thing he ever said - and well, tacos - but I said that my boyfriend would probably object to it. Now, I understand that I don't have a profile that explicitly states that I'm in a relationship, but once I told him over and over again, he then started using Facebook Messenger to CALL me - I didn't even know this was possible! 1am, 2am, whatever - over and over.

So I went to unfriend him and there was a new post on his wall - "This is Mike's girlfriend of five years - or ex-girlfriend, now - and I logged into his FB and saw what he was saying to all you bitches. You can have his lazy unemployed ass, I'm done supporting this cheating fucker." I am glad I at least got to see that before I unfriended him.

hahahahahahah the "tacos or some shit" is brilliant.

i've recently been added on fb by some 18 yr old goth kid - we had a mutual friend so i thought he might be a tumblr follower who recognised me from his friend but nope...just some self proclaimed "miserable guy" "majorly depressed" "anarchic metal goth punk" ive had a couple conversations with him being polite and like after 5 mins he was like "u are quite attractive i like you" i brushed it off and changed the subject. Then he messaged me three days in a row with "hi" "hi" "hi" after i stopped replying to him. He seems like he might be depressed and lonely but i am absolutely not interested whatsoever. Tbh he's really boring as well and that makes me feel so mean like i should try and cheer him up but i can't be bothered bcus he keeps tellin me about all the LPs he owns and i just dont dare.

would it be really mean to just delete him lol

[smegma]

hahahahahahah the "tacos or some shit" is brilliant.

i've recently been added on fb by some 18 yr old goth kid - we had a mutual friend so i thought he might be a tumblr follower who recognised me from his friend but nope...just some self proclaimed "miserable guy" "majorly depressed" "anarchic metal goth punk" ive had a couple conversations with him being polite and like after 5 mins he was like "u are quite attractive i like you" i brushed it off and changed the subject. Then he messaged me three days in a row with "hi" "hi" "hi" after i stopped replying to him. He seems like he might be depressed and lonely but i am absolutely not interested whatsoever. Tbh he's really boring as well and that makes me feel so mean like i should try and cheer him up but i can't be bothered bcus he keeps tellin me about all the LPs he owns and i just dont dare.

would it be really mean to just delete him lol

That's exactly why I didn't unfriend this guy earlier than I should have - he seemed lonely, but he was soooo boring and he wasn't going to get anywhere with me, but he hadn't done anything too offensive so I didn't want to make him feel bad. But then the messenger phone calls at 2am, and I knew I just had to put an end to it - and I felt a lot less bad about it once I saw his girlfriend's post.

Maybe you can tell him nicely that you just don't feel a connection and don't want to waste his time. If he doesn't get the hint, you can delete him knowing that you tried to end things nicely.

[TerraPrime]

We have no obligations to cheer people up. We ought to be polite, and not mean, but we have no obligation to be the cure to their issues.

[Maithanet]

If you have given him a clear "Thanks, but I'm not interested" and he continues to contact you, defriending is the totally warranted next step. Never feel bad about that - you've got your own problems, you don't need to take it upon yourself to cheer up random strangers.

[Guy Kilmore]

That is....intense.

[Glaurung]

Chats,

Your ex has some serious issues. You are definitely MUCH better without him.

I do want to add though, that my brother has his own plumbing business and he has been propositioned a few times. So it DOES happen on occasion. Usually from truly desperate housewives though, not professionals like yourself.

[Glaurung]

Theda/Smegma

A couple months back, I had a girl sending me weird messages on facebook. She told me that she had a crush on me when she was younger....which isn't weird, and I was polite to her. The weird stuff started later....she started sending messages(very explicit) about the things she wanted to do to me and would do to me if I would meet up with her. I still politely told her that I was not interested and that I'm happily married(my profile picture is of me kissing my wife for crying out loud). Then the pictures started coming in. I had been showing my wife these messages, and she told me I needed to quit being polite and she messaged this girl and told her to "f*ck off"(what she really said was MUCH worse than that). I've had a few encounters like this, and I've never been able to just straight up tell them to F*CK OFF. It was ingrained in me from a young age to be polite at all times, even when others aren't polite to me. I always found it difficult to stand up for myself(I would stand up for others though).

So....I know how difficult it can be to be blunt with somebody. My advice is that if some dude is hitting you up, be polite the first time and let him know you're not interested. If he persists, you need to get blunt about things and tell him to f*ck off.

[Theda Baratheon]

Yeah, that's good advice thanks. I guess I just felt bad bcus I don't even really wanna be his friend especially with constant "hi" "hi" "hi" "u are attractive" "listen to this" "listen to this" "listen to this" "i like u" "fuck america lol" "u are better than most ppl" after like...half an hour after adding me lol.

[Arkhangel]

Think of it this way, he doesn't really want to be your friend either.

[Bryanfury]

He was suspicious when I joined FACEBOOK, for gods sake, because he was of the opinion that it was a hotbed of adultery.

To be fair, there are a LOT of guys who add random girls, or girls they barely know/know a friend of a friend of a friend, on Facebook purely to try chat them up. Happened to all of my exes, but I'm probably particularly jaded about online messaging because one ex cheated on me with some douche half-way across the world and another ex just flirted right back with the mindset "I'm with you anyway, what's the problem?". Finding MSN convos and facebook messages of that shit nearly ruined me. I don't even wanna know what kind of shit the latest ex must have been getting/sending in snapchat if she was so blunt about flirting through facebook

I've had a few encounters like this, and I've never been able to just straight up tell them to F*CK OFF. It was ingrained in me from a young age to be polite at all times, even when others aren't polite to me. I always found it difficult to stand up for myself(I would stand up for others though).

That's what my first ex used to say about not deleting or blocking guys who sent her weird/creepy shit on MSN. We argued a lot over it. It really is best for everyone involved to just block, delete, ignore. But maybe that's just the jaded me talking again

[Glaurung]

Yeah, that's good advice thanks. I guess I just felt bad bcus I don't even really wanna be his friend especially with constant "hi" "hi" "hi" "u are attractive" "listen to this" "listen to this" "listen to this" "i like u" "fuck america lol" "u are better than most ppl" after like...half an hour after adding me lol.

He's crazy. If at this point in life he hasn't figured out that this type of behavior is not acceptable, he is never going to learn. That type of excessive/unprovoked behavior is obviously not getting him anywhere...you would think he would figure out how to act like a normal human being...but generally these types of people never do learn.

Think of it this way, he doesn't really want to be your friend either.

exactly. He has no interest in being friends. Best to cut strings and if he doesn't get it, delete/ignore.

[smegma]

Smegma,

Next time we're anywhere near each other, I'm totally taking you for some tacos n shit. I'll even buy some. Lol

The Viking has been messaging me for months every now and again. He has been super patient, and even just calling to chat. He sent me a message today that he respects me and my time and just wanted me to know that he is there whenever I want to see him. Kind of awesome. Cuz... He's hot. I totally don't have time right now - too much going on at work, with the kids, etc., but it is nice to know :-)

Tacos n shit - WITH tomatoes, haha Bronn <3

What is wrong with the Viking again, in terms of having a more serious thing? He sounds great (but I'm sure there's something there, I just can't recall).

[brook]

To be fair

Dude if you really think that a woman posting about an abusive relationship is the right time to go into a long spiel about your personal paranoia I think it's time you examined your issues.

[smegma]

My ex was deeply suspicious, after we got married. Wasn't a problem when we were dating. But it soon colored all his actions.

He hated me going to conventions.

He was suspicious when I went running.

He was suspicious when I called the damn plumber when he was out of town, hunting. And, I'm sorry, that is straight out of porn, get chrissake. That doesn't happen when you call the plumber! When you call the plumber, the damn sink gets fixed.

He got suspicious because I had cash and gift cards....ummm - I was starting a new budgeting method based on the thought that if you pay in cash, it's more painful to let it go. The gift cards were from my mom for Christmas and birthday.

He was suspicious when I joined FACEBOOK, for gods sake, because he was of the opinion that it was a hotbed of adultery.

Add that to the constant criticism ("you have cottage cheese thighs", "are you really wearing THAT?", "you gained too much weight to wear that outfit")...

...and the hostility ("don't talk to me! Just leave me the fuck alone!")

...is it any wonder that I did finally say fuck it and cheat on him? (To be fair I asked for an open relationship first, at which point he went on a tangent about how we needed a threesome with his secretary.)

And just cheated on him ONE TIME, immediately regretted it and resolved that we needed marriage counseling and that we weren't in a good path...

Only to come home and discover that he had me on iPhone tracker and knew what had happened. And counseling did nothing because he refused to believe it was just one time with one guy. One mistake in 12 years.

But I am soooooo much better off without him.

So this sounds like he obviously had trust issues (adoy) and just managed to hide it from you. Insecure, or whatever the reason may be. What an intense situation, yikes!

For me, I'm a trusting person. So the couple of guys that it happened with - I really needed some serious reasons to snoop. What was the most nerve-wracking is that I asked them on multiple occasions just to be honest with me, and they totally gaslighted me and acted like I was crazy. Fuckers. Oh well, one ended up getting the herp and cleared all that up.

[Bronn Stone]

I think the guy meant to say "Tacos are shit with tomatoes".

[karaddin]

I'm with chats in the don't accept requests from people I don't know (although if there are 10+ bwb in common I normally accept). I had one day last year where I got two in the one day, one from a friend of a colleague, one from a friend of another dating thread participant! Both were shortly after I'd changed my profile pic and participated in conversations on common friends wall and apparently gotten their intention.

Then there are the no mutual friend requests, normally from creepy dudes in the Middle East that are almost certainly chasers. Those get blocked rather than declined.

[Bryanfury]

Dude

To be fair if you really think that a guy posting about negative experiences that have some relation to someone elses post is time to make a snarky comment about their personal issues, maybe it's you who needs to examine things. I wasn't trying to take away or minimize anyone elses feelings, I have nothing to even say about the rest of her post. I was just making a comment about my own experience wrt facebook messages, and I'm sure that woman as you eloquently put it is perfectly capable of telling me herself if I've managed to offend or cross a line. And in fact, she did. I didn't mean for my post to do so and I'm sorry. But it's got nothing to do with you at all. You don't need to jump down my throat.

[karaddin]

To be fair, stating to be fair is normally used to make the behaviour you are defending sound reasonable. Being paranoid about facebook is nothing but that - paranoia, and you were defending it.

[Larry of the Lawn]

I ran a redlight and almost hit a bunch of kids. To be fair, they were a bunch of hipsters. With all due respect, I just dont even consider hipsters human. (Notice I said 'with all due respect'. Not to be racist, but hipsters are basically an inferior race. To be fair, I know a couple hipsters and even they agree.

Sorry this is probably the whiskey talking.