Seventh Pup Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My ex was deeply suspicious, after we got married. Wasn't a problem when we were dating. But it soon colored all his actions. [snip]But I am soooooo much better off without him. I agree with you Chats, you sound much better with out him! Also for what it's worth :grouphug: I have had exactly 2 serious relationships in my life. One of them is with my husband. But my first was with ex boyfriend of 4 years. To keep things polite lets just say my ex and I were not good fits for each other. The thing that finally broke us up was me walking in on him cheating on me, at a party we where both in attendance at. Prior to this incidence I was probably the least jealous monogamous person you can imagine. Want to meet you ex privately for drinks? Why the F not! We when we are out in public unapologeticlly eyeing up other women? You only a man, you have urges! Making sure that I know you do not consider me the "hottest" girl you've been with? I'm glad I have that information! I would find out later from friends that when I was not absent from the party my ex would act like he was single. On the rare times I would say something made me uncomfortable, he would tell me I was being crazy, and he did not want to be with a girl who was crazy. I think this is why when I started dating my husband I suddenly had these insecurities. Despite the fact that my husband is literally the most trust worthy guy imaginable, I found myself unexpectedly with doubt. What was ironic was that my ex went out of his way to make sure I new how expendable I was to him; my current went out of his way to make sure I knew how valuable I was to him, how unique our relationship was and how important it was to him; yet it was my current that had me doubting his fidelity. Thankfully I was aware of how irrational I was being, and he was able to communicate his concerns about behavior in a supportive way; we where able to work though it in a healthy way, with awesome communication. It was a very brief moment early in our relationship, but the lessons have stuck around for both of us. Bottom line is that if your feeling jealous about something, take a step back, and try to figure out where the source of that jealousy is coming from. If it's there because your partner is not treating you well, or because you have a rational reason to think they are not being honest with you, then talk about those issues with them. Don't talk about what they "might" have done, what they "will" do. Talk about the specific behaviors that you find offensive, "When you turn around to watch another girl walk by when I am telling you personal story it hurts my feelings, because I feel like you are being dismissive of me". Not "I don't like that you are attached to other women!". But if the jealousy is coming from an internal place it's important to acknowledge that, and find away to deal with that and not push it on the other person. I'm glad you got out of that relationship Chats, jealously is a hateful emotion and one that no one should have to live with for a prolonged period of time. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guy Kilmore Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I ran a redlight and almost hit a bunch of kids. To be fair, they were a bunch of hipsters. With all due respect, I just dont even consider hipsters human. (Notice I said 'with all due respect'. Not to be racist, but hipsters are basically an inferior race. To be fair, I know a couple hipsters and even they agree.Sorry this is probably the whiskey talking.To be fair though, the whiskey had some good points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liffguard Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Had a fourth date with Cute Nurse. We were supposed to go canoeing but the weather was crap so we went bowling instead (her suggestion) then back to her place to watch a movie. I'm not too sure what the full extent of my feelings are at this point but I definitely like her so I'm just going to relax, try not to overthink it and see where this goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm happy for you Liffguard. I need to stop overthinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liffguard Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks for the encouraging words everybody! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The guy from the Vale Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 :grouphug: Don't pull yourself down. You are good enough. Rather, they were not good enough for you. You were simply unlucky. Nothing prevents you from being more lucky next time. ... but yeah, going to the therapist might be a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Chats honey... Hugs. The proliferation of assholes in this world, and your past entanglement with two particularly virulent examples of said assholery doesn't mean you aren't worthy. It just means there are an awful lot of assholes out there and finding genuinely good people that you are compatible with is hard.Unfortunately I think some of the attributes that you find attractive are often correlated (at least in combination) with a higher rate of asshole than the norm, but that still doesn't mean you are wrong... You are just looking for very specific people and it can be hard to find that.You sure as fuck are worthy and don't let the way anyone treats you, or the lack of partnership convince you otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Chats you are good enough for anyone and in fact too good for most :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Ems, you're fabulous and don't let anyone tell you different, especially not someone who is supposed to love and support you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Everyone makes bad decisions in dating and marriage. It happens. Finding romantic partners who are abusive is not evidence that you don't deserve better partners in the future, or that you can't find any who are not abusive. The only time when it's a concern is if this is a pattern and bespeaks an underlying set of issues that should be addressed. And that is something only your therapist can help you with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdawnb Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 There are days I wonder why I'm not good enough.Why do other men take "for better or for worse" more seriously than either of my crap ex husbands did. Then I think of how violent Ex 1 coukd get (think: Ike Turner) and how emotionally abusive Ex 2 could get. And I wonder why I want to love anyone at all.Another shot of whisky, bartender, por favor.You are more than worthy. You have heart. You are kind and intelligent.*I* think you are incredibly brave to put yourself out there. Don't let the echos of those assholes drown out the good things running around in your head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I can only agree with everyone else. Chats you are intelligent, witty, compassionate and beautiful. You deserve nothing less than someone capable of appreciating all of that and the fact that some idiots haven't is no reflection at all on your worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lummel Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 There are days I wonder why I'm not good enough.Why do other men take "for better or for worse" more seriously than either of my crap ex husbands did. Then I think of how violent Ex 1 coukd get (think: Ike Turner) and how emotionally abusive Ex 2 could get. And I wonder why I want to love anyone at all.Another shot of whisky, bartender, por favor. I remember you very wisely said recently something along the lines of that the human heart reaches out for love :) It's not your fault if the men you wound up with did not deal with their own emotional problems. It would be easy to say it was your decision not to leave them earlier, but there is an expectation, a belief, a general assumption that we are in control of our own lives and we can, should make things work, can, should change people, or stick it out, that being in a relationship itself is a success (irrespective of its qualities) and that backing out of one even one that really doesn't work is a failure rather than sensible. Marriage is a status symbol isn't it? We can fear that we are judged if we are not married, or get divorced. It is easy to blame ourselves and to want to take responsibility and to believe that we can fix things, that as in the story the woman kisses the frog and he turns into something moderately more agreeable (unless you like amphibians). There's no expectation that the frog, er, changes itself or searches for a more species appropriate relationship. Everyday life can be tough, and it is difficult, I'd hazard a guess, for many of us to be simply kind to ourselves for the things that don't work out and for the baggage we schlep around with ourselves rather than judgemental or troubled. I look at what you say about your former husbands and think it is no surprise that after them you look for love when that appears to have been something too difficult for them to deal with. I should think that after them anybody and everybody would be in need of love. Nor am I the only one posting here who believes that you can have a hand in the shape of your own future and who has confidence in your qualities! ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glaurung Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Chats, I have an ex who was horribly abusive. I have 2 others who were verbally abusive(and occasionally physical). All of them were in succession and stretched over a 6 year period. I was down on love and didn't want any part of it after going through all of that. Then one night after all of my friends had went home, I walked into a bar(a gay bar) on my walk home because I wanted to sit down for a quiet beer before going to sleep. A beautiful young woman with a kind smile just randomly sat down next to me and started talking my ear off. We've been together 6 years now and she is the most wonderful human I've ever met. I'm very happy now. So yeah...it got better for me. I'm sure there are a number of people on this board who could tell you similar stories. It can get better for you as well. You should be cautious, but don't let your past have a lingering affect on your future. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tears of Lys Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 To be fair, stating to be fair is normally used to make the behaviour you are defending sound reasonable. I often play devil's advocate - as a Libran, I am contractually bound by law to do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elder Sister Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I ran a redlight and almost hit a bunch of kids. To be fair, they were a bunch of hipsters. With all due respect, I just dont even consider hipsters human. (Notice I said 'with all due respect'. Not to be racist, but hipsters are basically an inferior race. To be fair, I know a couple hipsters and even they agree.Sorry this is probably the whiskey talking.This made me snort out loud, but to be fair, I'm easily entertained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fragile Bird Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 On a totally different topic...someone has created a dick-pic blocker app. In case you are interested. http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/01/cock-blocker-app-can-put-a-stop-to-unwanted-dick-pics-5122669/#mv-a I guess I should also confess it's an April Fools' Day prank, one that would probably be welcome.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lummel Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 On a totally different topic...someone has created a dick-pic blocker app. In case you are interested.http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/01/cock-blocker-app-can-put-a-stop-to-unwanted-dick-pics-5122669/#mv-a Would that be related in anyway whatsoever to today's date by any chance? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fragile Bird Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Would that be related in anyway whatsoever to today's date by any chance? :) Ha ha, I decided I had better 'fess up, before someone got upset at me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Ha ha, I decided I had better 'fess up, before someone got upset at me.God damnit I fell for it!!! :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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