Dating 25, It's Not You, It's Me

[Theda Baratheon]

I think it would be kinda shitty of you to give the house away to be honest. I also like Kay's idea of giving it to your daughter.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

My sister just came out of the closet to me in private. She smiled when I told her that it's 2015 and nobody worth anything gives a fuck about her sexuality, as long as she's happy. And of course, I told her I support her having a girlfriend 110%.

[Kelli Fury]

My brother came out to me when he was 16 in 2003, I said "yeah, we know." He had me confirm it to my parents, nobody except my grandma cared at all and even that was a decade later

[eyenon15]

I did a fake coming out to my mom.

she was not amused.

[karaddin]

My sister just came out of the closet to me in private. She smiled when I told her that it's 2015 and nobody worth anything gives a fuck about her sexuality, as long as she's happy. And of course, I told her I support her having a girlfriend 110%.

If you don't mind my asking, has she been as deeply ensconced in the religion as you were? Is she still? I imagine your blossoming in the last year has made you a much easier person to come out to now than she would have feared 1.5 years ago. I'm glad she has the you to come out to :) are there any other people in the family she's likely to be able to?

I remember before you really started moving away from it, you mentioned me as someone you'd really like to meet in that "boarders you'd like to meet" thread and it shocked the hell out of me lol. It makes more sense in hindsight.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

If you don't mind my asking, has she been as deeply ensconced in the religion as you were? Is she still? I imagine your blossoming in the last year has made you a much easier person to come out to now than she would have feared 1.5 years ago. I'm glad she has the you to come out to :) are there any other people in the family she's likely to be able to?

I remember before you really started moving away from it, you mentioned me as someone you'd really like to meet in that "boarders you'd like to meet" thread and it shocked the hell out of me lol. It makes more sense in hindsight.

Hmm. She definitely considers herself a Christian, but she's definitely not a religious person. She's quite liberal about how she lives her own life. She mentioned that she told my other sister and that she was accepting of it. That's a relief, because the latter sister has become a lot more religious over the past six months.

The reason I mentioned wanting to meet you back then was because reading about what you've been through pretty much shattered any stereotype I previously had about trans persons. My thinking was "if I've been lied to and misinformed about this, what else am I wrong about?"

And since then, I knew that I wanted to be your friend and not an enemy. :)

[Xray the Enforcer]

Most days, the board makes me want to nuke the planet from orbit.

Today is not one of those days.

:grouphug:

[karaddin]

Hmm. She definitely considers herself a Christian, but she's definitely not a religious person. She's quite liberal about how she lives her own life. She mentioned that she told my other sister and that she was accepting of it. That's a relief, because the latter sister has become a lot more religious over the past six months.

The reason I mentioned wanting to meet you back then was because reading about what you've been through pretty much shattered any stereotype I previously had about trans persons. My thinking was "if I've been lied to and misinformed about this, what else am I wrong about?"

And since then, I knew that I wanted to be your friend and not an enemy. :)

Well I don't know if there is any actual danger in being my enemy :p but I'm glad to have you as a friend!

Good to hear your younger sister is accepting as well. Speaking as someone who was mostly supported, but had mixed support from some siblings, that toehold of acceptance makes the rest so much easier. I hope your younger sisters' increasing piousness doesn't cause her to change her stance, but rather to make her religion more progressive - it's not the depth of faith that's an issue, it's what you believe in that faith.

And your comment on why you wanted to meet me, if it hadn't already been vindicated by other things, that it made you feel like that would be vindication on it's own of my decision to be so open about my journey on here.

[Gillio]

If you don't mind my asking, has she been as deeply ensconced in the religion as you were? Is she still? I imagine your blossoming in the last year has made you a much easier person to come out to now than she would have feared 1.5 years ago. I'm glad she has the you to come out to :) are there any other people in the family she's likely to be able to?

I remember before you really started moving away from it, you mentioned me as someone you'd really like to meet in that "boarders you'd like to meet" thread and it shocked the hell out of me lol. It makes more sense in hindsight.

Hmm. She definitely considers herself a Christian, but she's definitely not a religious person. She's quite liberal about how she lives her own life. She mentioned that she told my other sister and that she was accepting of it. That's a relief, because the latter sister has become a lot more religious over the past six months.

The reason I mentioned wanting to meet you back then was because reading about what you've been through pretty much shattered any stereotype I previously had about trans persons. My thinking was "if I've been lied to and misinformed about this, what else am I wrong about?"

And since then, I knew that I wanted to be your friend and not an enemy. :)

Most days, the board makes me want to nuke the planet from orbit.

Today is not one of those days.

:grouphug:

Well I don't know if there is any actual danger in being my enemy :P but I'm glad to have you as a friend!

Good to hear your younger sister is accepting as well. Speaking as someone who was mostly supported, but had mixed support from some siblings, that toehold of acceptance makes the rest so much easier. I hope your younger sisters' increasing piousness doesn't cause her to change her stance, but rather to make her religion more progressive - it's not the depth of faith that's an issue, it's what you believe in that faith.

And your comment on why you wanted to meet me, if it hadn't already been vindicated by other things, that it made you feel like that would be vindication on it's own of my decision to be so open about my journey on here.

You guys just made me cry :grouphug:

[HairBearHero]

And your comment on why you wanted to meet me, if it hadn't already been vindicated by other things, that it made you feel like that would be vindication on it's own of my decision to be so open about my journey on here.

On a similar note:

Realise this probably doesn't mean much as I'm not a particularly prolific poster, but your posts about your transition and general LGBTA issues have been really interesting, eye opening and at times have changed the way I view people, so thank you for that.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

<3

I'm still not really interested in seeing people - I agreed to one and then canceled when I realized I really didn't want to bother - but I'm glad to come here and see things like this. Viking says he misses me but that could mean so many things I'm just feeling meh about it right now and that's fine with me.

I've come to the conclusion years ago that I'm indifferent towards chasing skirt. I mean it gets lonely and boring then I will try but yeah not bothering is fine too.

[karaddin]

I'm just so girl mad, more than I ever was in my first puberty. I see pretty girl, I swoon so hard. I don't actually really want to get anywhere with them, particular while I'm still healing and certain activities are off the table with someone new, but at least certain ones would be nice to have them interested in me too and have that go somewhere. Mostly just happy constantly swooning and saying nothing other than to brook though!

On a similar note:

Realise this probably doesn't mean much as I'm not a particularly prolific poster, but your posts about your transition and general LGBTA issues have been really interesting, eye opening and at times have changed the way I view people, so thank you for that.

Doesn't matter how well I know you, if I'm influencing peoples opinions to see girls like me in a more sympathetic light it makes me happy.

[Elder Sister]

Man. Most of the time this board works my last nerve, the strange internet people scare me, and I want to slap someone. Not today. Today, I love you people. <3 Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity.

I just spent 2 days in a van with 3 other coworkers. One of them has an insanely disfunctional relationship. Listening to him taking calls from his spouse (who calls every twenty minutes without fail) makes me realize that I'm not opposed to dating someone so much as I'm scared to death of getting involved and finding out they're a twisted mess. So I would rather just not bother. I worry that this fear is irrational and unhealthy, but the thought of being in another abusive, disfunctional relationship scares the crap out of me. I'm not sure I'll be able to get past that, honestly. And I'm not even sure I 'should'.

I suppose it's a good thing I enjoy my own company.

[karaddin]

It's sure as hell not irrational ES, although it's possible it's unhealthy - it depends on to what extent you take it. Rational things can still wind up unhealthy.

I don't think you should feel like you need to find another relationship, but if you find yourself feeling like you want one but are too afraid to give it a chance, or meet someone you really like but aren't willing to take the risk, then I would say it would be worth talking to a professional about your feelings at that point. I think if you have learned from the past and are vigilant to the signs of abuse, it's certainly possible to enter into a new relationship and not make the same mistakes or fall victim to the same behaviour as the past. As much as I might talk down men at times, there are decent men out there although I'd say they are usually those less hung up on what society thinks of them as men.

I loved my ex-wife to bits, but our relationship was not healthy and despite it's brevity, I came out of it with a number of scars. I also came out of it with a lot of lessons learnt, and without that relationship before, my relationship with Brook now wouldn't work. I'd engage in self destructive behaviour. You might find yourself in an excellent position now to engage in a healthy relationship with the right person, but I suspect it is also going to take the RIGHT person, not just anyone. Someone who is aware of issues you will have with certain behaviour (for example, you might have issues with yelling, even if not directed at you) and take steps to eliminate that behaviour to make the relationship work.

You don't need a relationship to be yourself or to be happy, but don't believe you are incapable of having a healthy and loving relationship if that is what you want. You're a wonderful lady, and I'm sure there are at least some men out there that would see and treasure that.

[Elder Sister]

It's sure as hell not irrational ES, although it's possible it's unhealthy - it depends on to what extent you take it. Rational things can still wind up unhealthy.

I don't think you should feel like you need to find another relationship, but if you find yourself feeling like you want one but are too afraid to give it a chance, or meet someone you really like but aren't willing to take the risk, then I would say it would be worth talking to a professional about your feelings at that point. I think if you have learned from the past and are vigilant to the signs of abuse, it's certainly possible to enter into a new relationship and not make the same mistakes or fall victim to the same behaviour as the past. As much as I might talk down men at times, there are decent men out there although I'd say they are usually those less hung up on what society thinks of them as men.

I loved my ex-wife to bits, but our relationship was not healthy and despite it's brevity, I came out of it with a number of scars. I also came out of it with a lot of lessons learnt, and without that relationship before, my relationship with Brook now wouldn't work. I'd engage in self destructive behaviour. You might find yourself in an excellent position now to engage in a healthy relationship with the right person, but I suspect it is also going to take the RIGHT person, not just anyone. Someone who is aware of issues you will have with certain behaviour (for example, you might have issues with yelling, even if not directed at you) and take steps to eliminate that behaviour to make the relationship work.

You don't need a relationship to be yourself or to be happy, but don't believe you are incapable of having a healthy and loving relationship if that is what you want. You're a wonderful lady, and I'm sure there are at least some men out there that would see and treasure that.

Thank you so much for this. Most of the time, I feel great and enjoy my life, but I have noticed that being around angry, loud people makes me realize how damaged I still am. I don't mind being alone; I rather like it, honestly. And I would like to eventually be in a relationship with someone, but getting there...the whole getting to know them, the taking risks, etc...I'm not willing to do it.

I'm enjoying my friends, enjoying my life...but I wonder if this fear is not a bit cowardly. And I've always prided myself on being fairly fearless, but I can't even muster the willingness to move past this one. I had a seemingly nice guy make overtures this week and I shut him down totally. I know I hurt his feelings; I could see it. But I am just not willing to risk anything right now.

[Melphis Amekia]

Thank you so much for this. Most of the time, I feel great and enjoy my life, but I have noticed that being around angry, loud people makes me realize how damaged I still am. I don't mind being alone; I rather like it, honestly. And I would like to eventually be in a relationship with someone, but getting there...the whole getting to know them, the taking risks, etc...I'm not willing to do it.

I'm enjoying my friends, enjoying my life...but I wonder if this fear is not a bit cowardly. And I've always prided myself on being fairly fearless, but I can't even muster the willingness to move past this one. I had a seemingly nice guy make overtures this week and I shut him down totally. I know I hurt his feelings; I could see it. But I am just not willing to risk anything right now.

I think the only thing that can help you is to take the time you need to recover(I don't know your backstory since I've not been around here for long) or just become more comfortable with the idea. You can't push it and you shouldn't. Give yourself time.

[Lily Valley]

His feelings are not your problem ES. In the future you may still be skittish, but feel like dating. If you do you aren't "stringing someone along". Dating is a fine place to put a toe in IF YOU WANT TO and you're clear that that's all it is.

There are a lot of people out there who don't yell. I just learned this in the last 5 years. Some of them even have their own life and like it when someone else has their own life.

Xoxo honey.

Edit: yes. Still stuck at fkn airport.

[karaddin]

Thank you so much for this. Most of the time, I feel great and enjoy my life, but I have noticed that being around angry, loud people makes me realize how damaged I still am. I don't mind being alone; I rather like it, honestly. And I would like to eventually be in a relationship with someone, but getting there...the whole getting to know them, the taking risks, etc...I'm not willing to do it.

I'm enjoying my friends, enjoying my life...but I wonder if this fear is not a bit cowardly. And I've always prided myself on being fairly fearless, but I can't even muster the willingness to move past this one. I had a seemingly nice guy make overtures this week and I shut him down totally. I know I hurt his feelings; I could see it. But I am just not willing to risk anything right now.

Some people might call it cowardly, I call it cautious as a result of having been burnt. You might find a relationship springs out of a friendship in a way that doesn't require that leap of faith. You might find you never are ready to take that risk. You might find yourself forming a deep platonic friendship with someone you choose to share your life with, without having any of that romance or sex getting involved. My cousin who I'm so close to she's another sister to me is effectively like that with her friend, they've lived together over 10 years (I was with them most of that) and they have bought a flat together now. There are many shapes life can take, and there is basically only one of them that society pushes and says OK, but society is narrow minded.

You do whatever you need to do to get into a happy place and stay there.

My Dad is finding himself now after almost 50 years of marriage after we lost Mum at the start of the year, and he's doing a good job of getting out and seeing people he hasn't seen much for years. He's seeing his grandkids. He mentioned yesterday the possibility of selling the large country house and moving back up to a small unit on the harbour with a good view...I think it's a great idea if he decides he wants to move back from the country to Sydney. He doesn't need to maintain a large house that his kids can visit and stay in if he's living in Sydney, we can take care of ourselves. I just want him to do things that will make him happy.

I think you are already doing all of this, just trust in yourself. If the time comes for you to try another relationship, you'll know it when you do, or when you meet him. Trust yourself.

[Glaurung]

Thank you so much for this. Most of the time, I feel great and enjoy my life, but I have noticed that being around angry, loud people makes me realize how damaged I still am. I don't mind being alone; I rather like it, honestly. And I would like to eventually be in a relationship with someone, but getting there...the whole getting to know them, the taking risks, etc...I'm not willing to do it.

I'm enjoying my friends, enjoying my life...but I wonder if this fear is not a bit cowardly. And I've always prided myself on being fairly fearless, but I can't even muster the willingness to move past this one. I had a seemingly nice guy make overtures this week and I shut him down totally. I know I hurt his feelings; I could see it. But I am just not willing to risk anything right now.

Your feelings are not cowardly, nor are they irrational. I just want to say though that when I finally got away from my ex, I went through a period of time where I was afraid. I avoided women and I had major trust issues. I didn't want to risk being hurt again. I didn't want to be trapped in a bad situation again. But I did also realize that I am the type of person who needs some level of intimacy.... My parents have a wonderful relationship, and both my sister and my brother have/had happy marriages.... They're all very happy. While I didn't mind being single, I did want some level of intimacy again. Eventually I decided that the reward was worth the risk and I lowered my walls a bit. If I hadn't risked it, I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have a wonderful wife and a child on the way. I'm now happier than I've ever been, and what walls were remaining, she has broken them down to rubble. If I hadn't opened myself up to possibilities again, I don't know where I'd be. The way I look at things now, is that taking risks is what leads to new experiences. Sometimes bad experiences happen and bad things happen in life. But great things happen as well, and we wouldn't get the great things in life without taking risks.

So to you I would say, that I understand how you're feeling. And if you are perfectly happy remaining single for the rest of your life, then more power to you. If having a partner is something you think you might enjoy, then I would say that you should open yourself up to all possibilities and take some risks. You may not be ready now, but I do hope you are ready to take some chances down the road.

[Glaurung]

Some of the best advice I've ever received on this Board boils down to the following:

1. You don't have to date someone

2. People are responsible for their own feelings.

I think, ES, that you "get" that, but like me, you don't want to see people hurt. It sucks giving people the brush-off, but it sucks worse "being nice" - because "being nice" will never meet your needs.

If you're not ready, you're not ready.

And that is ok!!!

Or theirs. It is better to let people know where they stand than to give them false hope or encouragement.