Dating 8 - group 'pizza', swaggering, internet dating, and more!

[Larry of the Lawn]

Old thread was closed for length. And girth.

let's get the ball rolling with an age old question. When is the right time to say "I love you" in a relationship? Sure it's a ridiculously broad, generic question that varies completely from relationship to relationship, but let's not that stop us.

[karaddin]

I'll go with when isn't the right time, and that's via a text message after your partner has left your place the morning after you had a minor meltdown at your birthday party and she took it well.

[Kelli Fury]

Never, that shit is a secret.

[Kat]

So my students are struck with spring fever. Yesterday I wore my hair down at work ((something I rarely do) and all of a sudden one of my classes is asking if I have a date that night. They assume I do and 2 hours later, random students are coming up to me during this health fair at lunch and asking me where I'm going on my date, what he looks like, taking me by the elbow to get all the details and then walking me to various booths to tell me about safe dating practices, like always call a girlfriend with details (and I can "call them of course"), how I should make sure to use condoms, etc. Jesus. :rofl:

Then this morning another teacher comes up to me and says, "I hear you had a date last night. It wasn't with [math teacher] was it? I always thought you two would make a great couple." :lol:

But seriously, FML.

[karaddin]

:rofl:

That is all.

[brook]

rofl!

I'm glad I don't work with teenagers!

[Arkhangel]

So my students are struck with spring fever. Yesterday I wore my hair down at work ((something I rarely do) and all of a sudden one of my classes is asking if I have a date that night. They assume I do and 2 hours later, random students are coming up to me during this health fair at lunch and asking me where I'm going on my date, what he looks like, taking me by the elbow to get all the details and then walking me to various booths to tell me about safe dating practices, like always call a girlfriend with details (and I can "call them of course"), how I should make sure to use condoms, etc. Jesus. :rofl:

Then this morning another teacher comes up to me and says, "I hear you had a date last night. It wasn't with [math teacher] was it? I always thought you two would make a great couple." :lol:

But seriously, FML.

I'm somewhere between thinking this is completely adorable and completely condescending behaviour from them. It's probably both.

[Salome the Persian Witch]

All it says to me is that you should wear your hair down around the math teacher and see what happens!! :P

[Disturber of Peace]

When to say i love you?

I think, theoretically, that should depend more about your partner.

Love is not a real feeling but a combination of definable feelings. And the ingreedients of the cocktail vary from person to person.

Try to estimate what it means to your partner and once you think they think the time is right, say it. Unless you believe the price, for that particular case, is too high.

To put it in a different way,

In Western culture the "First I Love You" is a dark ritual where one person estimates it is time to say the words and does so, while giving a chance to the other person to reciprocate.

What is sacrificed and what is gained depends majorly on what do people involved believe.

In general, the ritual is envisioned to have both people sacrifice part of their pool of emotions and willpower in order for the attatchment (usually more to the relatipnship than the partner) to grow. Some people also use it as a key to unlock certain features of a relationship.

The ritual also involves third persons who are told about it, and who through social mechanics also mostly strenghten the attatchments.

Many times the ritual breaks because the other person does not reciprocate. The interruption during the incantations often leads people to believe there is a great emotional and attatchment disbalance in the relationship.

Honestly, i think i would be able to perform it with little loss, if any, to my mental resources.

I would always reciprocate and have no problem saying it first when i think it would benefit me most with the person i am involved with, preferably during the act of cuddling when i suppose it would be most effective.

I would only restrain myself from participating in the ritual if i strongly suspect the particular case requires certain undesirable features of relationship to follow soon and i want it to last longer or if i estimate that breaking of the relationship for which the partner now has greater attatchment could put me in danger.

I thought it would be benefitial to the discussion to first get our definitions and theory right. If i made a mistake there let me know.

Practical experiences are most welcome.

[Theda Baratheon]

LOL, dear of them.

[Lily Valley]

@Kat, :rofl:

My students wouldn't dare. One of them made a crack once when I dressed up for school. I had dinner plans right after work. I gave him the mom-face. Must have been pretty scary, the entire class worked really hard that day.

@Mandy, good luck with J. Dangit! (Naz, you cannot steal my fun.)

@Drac, that is great news! So glad you had a good weekend.

Got Mr. Fling all moved into his new apartment. I spent most of Friday-Tuesday over there. We parallel socialized well. It was midterm, so I was working around the clock. He was busy setting up the house. Very relaxing. He likes the place and the neighborhood (phew! I was worried). Now he's off again for work. I've got the truck, house keys, and a list of chores he didn't have time to finish while he was in town. :(

[deleted01]

Oh, actual pizza definitely happened. As did other things :P

Lily, when will Mr Fling stop being Mr Fling and start being Mr Lily? Sounds like all is going well ;)

[Gillio]

He should be Mr Boomerang, he keeps coming back!

[Inigima]

His name is Gary. Have a little respect.

[Prince Alexander]

Never, that shit is a secret.

100% this. Love is so subjective, it means so many things to different people, yet most people expect it to have universal meaning or custom attached to it (especially commitment, monogamy).

Don't talk about love. Express it. (show, not tell!)

[Lily Valley]

Drac, not for a long time, neither one of us is in a big hurry to move things along. He only signed a 6 month lease and is just now testing the waters to see if he likes New Orleans. A lot of people hate it here. In addition, this city sometimes rejects people. I've watched this city hand people their ass and kick them right out of town. I'm not in any position to move right now, but I'd consider it down the road if things work out.

We've also probably only spent a total of 30 days together since September. It's been 2 days here and there since we met. I'm a little nervous about having him here full time. It's easy enough for me to put aside 2-4 days a month. I'm not too good at keeping up on the everyday maintenance most people want. I just don't have the time or the energy.

That made this weekend especially great. There is NO busier time for me than midterm. It's even worse than finals. I was able to hang out at his place and completely ignore him and he was just fine. He went out to see some music at the neighborhood bars, worked on the house, did some shopping, and totally left me alone. I've found that most people can't do that. I've broken things off with several people because they demanded 100% of my attention every time I saw them. That's great for date night, but after a while it's nice just to be able to hang out with someone and relax without having high intensity "together" time. It's too much for everyday and I find it exhausting.

For me, the ability to be relax around one another goes a lot further towards taking things to the next level than all the "I love you"s in the world. It makes the difference between someone I date once in a while and someone I can be in a relationship with. It means I'll be able to spend a lot more time with him when he's in town.

Ini has renamed him Gary, since this is obviously not just a fling anymore. As much as I object to the moniker, it's stuck. I suppose it beats what I call him to my friends.

All that said, he made a crack on his way out the door that tells me we're going to have to have a conversation when he gets home. Nothing bad, I just want to make sure we're still on the same page. Wish me luck, lovely people.

Edit: Firefox ignored my paragraphs.

Edit II: Gillio, Mr. Boomerang. :lol:

[Gillio]

Lily, all joking aside, I wish you all the luck in the world :grouphug:

[Inigima]

That shit is absolutely nervewracking. No one wants to be the first one to say it because how horrible is it if they don't reciprocate?

Last time I was thinking I needed to say it soon she dumped me shortly after, which solved that problem.

[brook]

That shit is absolutely nervewracking. No one wants to be the first one to say it because how horrible is it if they don't reciprocate?

Not only am I the bitch that didn't reciprocate when I finally did say it it was entirely by accident. I had no idea what I was going to say, or even that it was actually true, until after I'd said it.

Strangely that worked out to be exactly the right time, in hindsight I don't think I've ever actually planned to say 'I love you', it just happens when it happens and that's always worked out pretty well for me.

I'm useless at hiding my feelings anyway, if I care enough for someone they are going to know regardless of what I'm saying.

[Starkess]

Old thread was closed for length. And girth.

let's get the ball rolling with an age old question. When is the right time to say "I love you" in a relationship? Sure it's a ridiculously broad, generic question that varies completely from relationship to relationship, but let's not that stop us.

Ahh, what a question. I know almost the exact moment when I realized I loved my boyfriend, but I waited another couple months to say it. I was super nervous about it but I wanted to let him know before I moved across the country (we had already decided to attempt the long distance). Apparently I was thinking/freaking out about it so much that I sleep-talked and told him a couple days early. :P Anyway, that was about 6 months into our relationship. He didn't say it back until close to the 2 year mark (after we moved in together!). It's just very different for different people, you know? Like to me, it was an important thing obviously and wasn't something I was going to say lightly, but it wasn't the first time I told someone and I think you can love someone without it meaning you're meant to be together forever. Whereas for him, to love someone was on a higher level of commitment and as far as I know he still thinks it is strange that I have been in love more than once.

I've had 3 people ever say it to me, my ex-hubs said it after 1 month, and my ex-bf said it after we broke up (we only dated about 3 months). So I don't think there is any magical "right" time. When you're feeling it and don't think you're going to freak out the other person too much, I guess.

100% this. Love is so subjective, it means so many things to different people, yet most people expect it to have universal meaning or custom attached to it (especially commitment, monogamy).

Don't talk about love. Express it. (show, not tell!)

Something PA and I agree on!

At times it was hard for me that I told my bf I loved him and he didn't reciprocate for so long. It could have been a dealbreaker for me. But my bf treated me so wonderfully and acted like he loved me as much as anyone who had ever said it to me, and that in the end was more important. I would rather feel loved than be told I'm loved. Although I like now that I get both. :)