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Dating: to play the part of the one who doesn't wait

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11 hours ago, Starkess said:

SpaceChampion, that sounds confusing as hell and you're a very patient person!!

Yeah, I've had to be.  Generally women are not attracted to me unless they've spent a lot of time getting to know me as friends or colleagues.  Those that really get to know me have all fallen for me in some capacity, haha.  Few have made the effort.  I just want my chance with someone who is actually my type!  Over the years it's been increasingly difficult to arrange an ongoing situation to actually get to know someone over time.

I empathize with your heartbreak.  Sucks to try to date someone avoidant, or commitment-phobe.

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13 hours ago, Starkess said:

I got my heart crushed this weekend by a dude who seemed to be SUPER INTO ME for the past several weeks but then wasn't willing to be exclusive so I decided it was best not to see him anymore. But then I felt absolutely terrible about this so I was like maybe we can still hang out anyway and he was like ehhh. So. Not happy about that.

Solution: made an OkCupid profile (in addition to my Tinder and Hinge), set up 5 dates in the next week, and am drinking lots of wine and crying about the idiot.

That sucks big time, sorry to hear it. Wine and crying sounds like a decent enough coping strategy though (my preferred substitute is whisky and staring soulfully into the distance whilst listening to soft jazz, makes me feel vaguely noirish).

My resolve is starting to crumble, and I'm kindof tempted to set up another online dating account to take my mind off it, but then I remember how much I hate online dating and dismiss that idea, but then that leaves me with my crumbling resolve. Fucks sake.

 

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I think one of my friends kind of asked me out. But nothing has come of it and it was quite tentative and no hurt feelings or awkwardness so that's good. I've known him since college and he's nice enough. I think this is a pattern and might have happened with a couple other people who have known me awhile, I shut everything down before anything could even move to flirting. I hate this county and I cannot wait to leave. I'm suffocating here. I don't see a point in starting something I don't want to be around to finish. As soon as the first opportunity presents itself to leave I'm outta here. 

I feel like my standards are either so high (or I have serious, debilitating self confidence issues - I think it's probably both, weirdly enough), that's why I have a wall around myself when it comes to dating because my expectations are ridiculous and I absolutely don't deserve to have high expectations considering I'm quite mediocre in every way. And that's fine. I think maybe dating and relationships aren't for everyone. I was toying with the idea of something casual with the bloke that asked me out, he indicated he might be into that, that he'd prefer it maybe. I'd prefer that too. But I can't do it? It's not that I think my body is some kind of temple LOL. But casual sex just doesn't appeal to me at all even though I'm pretty frustrated, like, all the time. I wish I didn't have a physical body and I could just float around as a sentient ethereal orb LOL. I feel like there's something a bit wrong with me when it comes to dating and sex and relationships and I'm trying to come to terms with that. ''Ending up with someone'' romantically doesn't have to be the be all end all in life right? At the moment, I'd be happy to just get out of this boring as fuck county and meet some people my own age. This is just a rant, not really looking for advice. Just in a rut lately and need to get things off my chest to stay healthy. 

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15 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I think maybe dating and relationships aren't for everyone. I was toying with the idea of something casual with the bloke that asked me out, he indicated he might be into that, that he'd prefer it maybe. I'd prefer that too. But I can't do it? It's not that I think my body is some kind of temple LOL. But casual sex just doesn't appeal to me at all even though I'm pretty frustrated, like, all the time. I wish I didn't have a physical body and I could just float around as a sentient ethereal orb LOL. I feel like there's something a bit wrong with me when it comes to dating and sex and relationships and I'm trying to come to terms with that. ''Ending up with someone'' romantically doesn't have to be the be all end all in life right?

All I can say is that this resonates with me in a big way - okay, not so much the casual thing with a bloke (though I guess if it was the right bloke at the right time I wouldn't necessarily be opposed), or the floating orb thing (that's a little out there) - but everything else definitely resonates. Like I see how casually and frequently and matter-of-factly everyone around me treats dating and relationships, and I wonder how they do it. And I end up consistently thinking that I just don't get it on some fundamental level, and wouldn't life be easier if I simply didn't have to worry about it at all? Unfortunately I have no advice, just solidarity.

The only part I strongly disagree with is ths:

16 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I'm quite mediocre in every way

which is very much not true.

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53 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I think one of my friends kind of asked me out. But nothing has come of it and it was quite tentative and no hurt feelings or awkwardness so that's good. I've known him since college and he's nice enough. I think this is a pattern and might have happened with a couple other people who have known me awhile, I shut everything down before anything could even move to flirting. I hate this county and I cannot wait to leave. I'm suffocating here. I don't see a point in starting something I don't want to be around to finish. As soon as the first opportunity presents itself to leave I'm outta here. 

Off topic, but have you looked into teaching? Get a TEFL and hit Vietnam or another country in the region. 

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2 hours ago, mankytoes said:

Off topic, but have you looked into teaching? Get a TEFL and hit Vietnam or another country in the region. 

I’ve never been interested in teaching but I’ve known a few people do similar things...doesn’t help the job sector I’m going for (museums and heritage) is so tough to break through into 

3 hours ago, Liffguard said:

All I can say is that this resonates with me in a big way - okay, not so much the casual thing with a bloke (though I guess if it was the right bloke at the right time I wouldn't necessarily be opposed), or the floating orb thing (that's a little out there) - but everything else definitely resonates. Like I see how casually and frequently and matter-of-factly everyone around me treats dating and relationships, and I wonder how they do it. And I end up consistently thinking that I just don't get it on some fundamental level, and wouldn't life be easier if I simply didn't have to worry about it at all? Unfortunately I have no advice, just solidarity.

The only part I strongly disagree with is ths:

which is very much not true.

Thank you :) 

yeah I can’t understand how people can be so easy and casual with it all. I mean more power to them but I feel like a freak sometimes for not ‘getting it’ just, for whatever reason, being unable to really feel at ease when it comes to dating and sex and relationships. I mean it’s gotta happen and living in a rural ish county doesn’t help but I don’t think I’ll ever find it easy even when I was in the city nothing happened and for friends it did. In my mid 20s now lmao I thought I might have understood things better by now 

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Thanks everyone. I had a really mediocre hookup last night so I'm well on my way to getting over this dude! (SPOILER I AM NOT WE WERE SO FANTASTIC TOGETHER AND I MISS HIM AND EVERYTHING SUCKS)

13 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Did you do some Generalising about men, perhaps? :D 

in all seriousness though, sorry it didn’t work out :( 

I love that song!! Although it probably doesn't bode well to be empathizing with a character who is straight up BPD. :blink:

 

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5 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I feel like my standards are either so high (or I have serious, debilitating self confidence issues - I think it's probably both, weirdly enough), that's why I have a wall around myself when it comes to dating because my expectations are ridiculous and I absolutely don't deserve to have high expectations considering I'm quite mediocre in every way. 

It's worth remembering that you live in your own mind, so it's normal to you. It's bland and dull only from your perspective, because it's what you're used to.

To everyone else, it's interesting. Well, not in everyone's case, but in your case I certainly think so. :) 

Lots of crossed fingers for you and also for @Starkess! :D

Whatever happens, I hope that it works out for you both. My Mum often told me: "All relationships fail except your last one." Ouch. But true.

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I think that I am an idiot. Nope, I am definitely an idiot. I usually don't really care after a first date, but this time somehow I managed to suffer (as much as it is possible to suffer after a first date gone right turned wrong), feel guilty, and feel an idiot.

After 3+ days of waiting, against my best logic, I did something that I never do (send a second message, which while asking for clarity, apparently it was aggressive when I look into it.)

Me: Anti-social lass, while I still hope that you're in, I don't bite if you say no. On the other hand, ghosting is absolutely a shitty thing to do. (clarification: calling her anti-social was an inside joke, both me and her did that in the past jokingly).

Her (immediately): ? Exuse me? 
Her: Very nice message after waking up from a 12 hour flight!
Her: I cant do this! So then its a big NO. (thumbs down emoticon). I thought someone like you would be more understanding.

Me: Oh Gosh, genuinely sorry for being a prick!
Me: Ok. Sorry if I came as aggressive in that stupid message. If you were planning to continue seeing each other again until that message, I hope you reconsider it. The date was too good to not give it another shot, just because of that. Regardless of what you decide, I found you a cool person and was my pleasure to meet you. Have a great life!

And then silence. Essentially I managed to be a prick in the process, while losing any chance of meeting her again. In addition to that, she went from 'kind' to trying to hurt me (with big no and thumbs down thing), and didn't give me any chance of an explanation (why should she). To make things even worse, while it is quite likely that the end result would have been the same either way, her just never answering that first message and so this being off, now in my little brain somehow it is all my fault and things would have been right if I didn't write that message. I feel guilty.

I guess I just have to move on, and be wiser other times. I also think that a message like 'Hey Nat, I would appreciate an answer to the previous message, because you know, I have to book the bowling center' would have pushed her to reply me by either 'sure, 8pm is fine with you?' or 'sarrry, not interested' or just not replying at all which would have had the same effect. But no, I had to become a teenage idiot after almost a decade of not being a teenager. At this stage, it is more that I feel guilty for leaving a very bad impression to a person I like (and whom I think that at least had a good impression of me), rather than not getting a second date. Whatever, the only silver lining is that I will be off everything for the next 4 days, visiting Prague and likely trying to block this episode from my brain.

Oh, the last time I had these strong feelings for someone after a single date is when I was in high school. FFS!

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12 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

...

I feel like my standards are either so high (or I have serious, debilitating self confidence issues - I think it's probably both, weirdly enough), that's why I have a wall around myself when it comes to dating because my expectations are ridiculous and I absolutely don't deserve to have high expectations considering I'm quite mediocre in every way. And that's fine. I think maybe dating and relationships aren't for everyone. I was toying with the idea of something casual with the bloke that asked me out, he indicated he might be into that, that he'd prefer it maybe. I'd prefer that too. But I can't do it? It's not that I think my body is some kind of temple LOL. But casual sex just doesn't appeal to me at all even though I'm pretty frustrated, like, all the time. I wish I didn't have a physical body and I could just float around as a sentient ethereal orb LOL. I feel like there's something a bit wrong with me when it comes to dating and sex and relationships and I'm trying to come to terms with that. ''Ending up with someone'' romantically doesn't have to be the be all end all in life right? At the moment, I'd be happy to just get out of this boring as fuck county and meet some people my own age. This is just a rant, not really looking for advice. Just in a rut lately and need to get things off my chest to stay healthy. 

That feeling is familiar to me. In my case it has to do with the communication and interaction that is inherent to sex.

Part of it due to being on the autism spectrum, I've built so many shells to control it and present to the outside world that it takes lots of time to open up and be me. And the way my mind is such a fundamental part of how I experience things that is necessary for enjoyment. Another drawback of these shells is that at some level I am constantly checking if I crossed (social) borders and strayed from 'normal', which is of course devastating in flirting/dating because I will always steer to normal friendly relations as a safe basis.

 

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48 minutes ago, TheRevanchist said:

I think that I am an idiot. Nope, I am definitely an idiot. I usually don't really care after a first date, but this time somehow I managed to suffer (as much as it is possible to suffer after a first date gone right turned wrong), feel guilty, and feel an idiot.

After 3+ days of waiting, against my best logic, I did something that I never do (send a second message, which while asking for clarity, apparently it was aggressive when I look into it.)

Me: Anti-social lass, while I still hope that you're in, I don't bite if you say no. On the other hand, ghosting is absolutely a shitty thing to do. (clarification: calling her anti-social was an inside joke, both me and her did that in the past jokingly).

Her (immediately): ? Exuse me? 
Her: Very nice message after waking up from a 12 hour flight!
Her: I cant do this! So then its a big NO. (thumbs down emoticon). I thought someone like you would be more understanding.

Me: Oh Gosh, genuinely sorry for being a prick!
Me: Ok. Sorry if I came as aggressive in that stupid message. If you were planning to continue seeing each other again until that message, I hope you reconsider it. The date was too good to not give it another shot, just because of that. Regardless of what you decide, I found you a cool person and was my pleasure to meet you. Have a great life!

And then silence. Essentially I managed to be a prick in the process, while losing any chance of meeting her again. In addition to that, she went from 'kind' to trying to hurt me (with big no and thumbs down thing), and didn't give me any chance of an explanation (why should she). To make things even worse, while it is quite likely that the end result would have been the same either way, her just never answering that first message and so this being off, now in my little brain somehow it is all my fault and things would have been right if I didn't write that message. I feel guilty.

I guess I just have to move on, and be wiser other times. I also think that a message like 'Hey Nat, I would appreciate an answer to the previous message, because you know, I have to book the bowling center' would have pushed her to reply me by either 'sure, 8pm is fine with you?' or 'sarrry, not interested' or just not replying at all which would have had the same effect. But no, I had to become a teenage idiot after almost a decade of not being a teenager. At this stage, it is more that I feel guilty for leaving a very bad impression to a person I like (and whom I think that at least had a good impression of me), rather than not getting a second date. Whatever, the only silver lining is that I will be off everything for the next 4 days, visiting Prague and likely trying to block this episode from my brain.

Oh, the last time I had these strong feelings for someone after a single date is when I was in high school. FFS!

It reads like she wasn't going to reply, and your message gave her the chance to make you look like the bad guy, so if it makes things better, I don't think you ruined things. But yeah, your message definitely reads as a bit of an over the top thing to say after one date. Maybe just "hey, are you still wanting to go out again?". 

Just remember that everyone has their own story going on. I know "it's not you, it's me" is a cliche, but people have their own things going on in their lives. 

But you're right, ghosting is shitty and childish, so probably no loss in the long run. Enjoy Prague, it's a beautiful city with cheap beer.

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9 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

I’ve never been interested in teaching but I’ve known a few people do similar things...doesn’t help the job sector I’m going for (museums and heritage) is so tough to break through into 

Thank you :) 

yeah I can’t understand how people can be so easy and casual with it all. I mean more power to them but I feel like a freak sometimes for not ‘getting it’ just, for whatever reason, being unable to really feel at ease when it comes to dating and sex and relationships. I mean it’s gotta happen and living in a rural ish county doesn’t help but I don’t think I’ll ever find it easy even when I was in the city nothing happened and for friends it did. In my mid 20s now lmao I thought I might have understood things better by now 

I think there are a lot of societal expectations around sex and dating that even if they aren’t blatantly shoved down your throat you still take in and internalise. Sex is great, we should all be dating, if you haven’t had a date in a long time get on this new tangled dating app, etc. etc. And this isn’t necessarily for everyone, and that’s fine. But I can see how difficult and confusing it would be to have all these subtle messages promoting dating and sex and you must get into a relationship when that just doesn’t interest you at all. I’m a bit rambling here but my overall point is try not to feel pressured into looking for sex/a relationship just because you think that’s what is expected. 

Or if ive just misunderstood and you do want this, but find it difficult and confusing...welcome to my world :lol: humans are complicated and relationships even more so. I don’t think any of us will ever truly understand all things romantic/sexual

9 hours ago, Starkess said:

Thanks everyone. I had a really mediocre hookup last night so I'm well on my way to getting over this dude! (SPOILER I AM NOT WE WERE SO FANTASTIC TOGETHER AND I MISS HIM AND EVERYTHING SUCKS)

I love that song!! Although it probably doesn't bode well to be empathizing with a character who is straight up BPD. :blink:

 

Well the empathy shows that you’re a good person (refrains from adding link) but I kind of think the point is that we should empathise with her even without all the stuff she does. Am doing if not we’ll we are in the same boat because I totally empathise with her...

I have a sentence full of CEG song titles in response to your first sentence but I will refrain from posting it and spare everyone :lol:

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20 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

I have a sentence full of CEG song titles in response to your first sentence but I will refrain from posting it and spare everyone :lol:

After breaking up with the supernatural entity, I just had the Horny Angry Tango in my head all the time. :leaving: *

Jokes aside, I must say that this thread is very helpful in making me realise some people have similar problems and feelings as I do. I wish everybody the best in this weird world of interpersonal relationships.

 

*And not even the angry part, because I had no reason to be angry at anybody. Just the ... is this how people feel all the time? It sucks!

8 hours ago, Yukle said:

@Starkess

Whatever happens, I hope that it works out for you both. My Mum often told me: "All relationships fail except your last one." Ouch. But true.

Harsh. :(

EDIT: Sorry, cannot delete Starkess' name out of the quote for some reason.

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8 hours ago, Yukle said:

Whatever happens, I hope that it works out for you both. My Mum often told me: "All relationships fail except your last one." Ouch. But true.

No disrespect to your mum, but I'm not sure I agree with this. I get the point, but I don't agree with the phrasing. All relationships end, but just because a relationship ended doesn't mean it failed.

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18 hours ago, SpaceChampion said:

I empathize with your heartbreak.  Sucks to try to date someone avoidant, or commitment-phobe.

Not wanting to be exclusive after dating for a piffling three weeks does not make someone a "commitment-phobe." JFC. 

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2 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

Not wanting to be exclusive after dating for a piffling three weeks does not make someone a "commitment-phobe." JFC. 

Ya, maybe I was speaking in more general terms, and not specific to Starkness's situation? 

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Yeah I think I'm just an overthinker and I overthought and now I'm sad and story of my life.

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So, the friend I'm crushing on just asked me - completely unprompted - if I'd be willing to give her a massage, and said she'd return the favour.

Okay, it's not at all impossible that it's a completely platonic request. Still, I feel I may be losing control of this situation. Halp please? :leaving:

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Shut up and start massaging. Just ask if heading into normally unexplored territory. 

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22 hours ago, Starkess said:

Thanks everyone. I had a really mediocre hookup last night so I'm well on my way to getting over this dude! (SPOILER I AM NOT WE WERE SO FANTASTIC TOGETHER AND I MISS HIM AND EVERYTHING SUCKS)

To be fair, if it was the first time with this guy, unless he was an Adonis of sorts, it was likely going to be mediocre at best.

:P

1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

So, the friend I'm crushing on just asked me - completely unprompted - if I'd be willing to give her a massage, and said she'd return the favour.

Okay, it's not at all impossible that it's a completely platonic request. Still, I feel I may be losing control of this situation. Halp please? :leaving:

Work them hands, son! 

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