Dating - I love the way you swipe

[The guy from the Vale]

14 minutes ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Wow. That sounds like a really horrible evening. I'm sorry for you, and for her.

In what way was he unpleasant company? Was it mostly because it was hard for you seeing her with him, or because the two of them ignored everyone else, or was he simply unpleasant in his own right? 

It was  a combination of all three. The first one alone I could have accepted, as I had seen them together before. I was also mentally prepared for that. But they started ignoring everybody else as the evening progressed, and that was indeed inducing quite a bit of jealousy in me (as well as unnerving at least one other guest - the one who spoke up). He's also quite a pedant, and considering I have the tendency to be pedantic as well and work in an area where pedanticness is indeed encouraged to some degree, I can stand quite high levels of that - but it was jarring even for me. I can't imagine how that was for the more sensitive people at the party, and one of them even suggested to me afterwards that that made her, in part, uncomfortable.

[Meera of Tarth]

1 hour ago, The guy from the Vale said:

Well, the last three New Year's parties that I threw with my social circle were a smashing success, so I was rather optimistic. And indeed it came down to her bringing along her new boyfriend. Incidentally, I was told by two other invitees that they felt his presence was rushed and that they felt uncomfortable with him around. So it wasn't just me. But while I could stand him in short, 1-hour doses on neutral ground, having him in my apartment for close to 10 was quite a bit more exhausting. 

When I went to bring the friend who lives furthest away to the train station for his last train home, she asked if she could accompany us, saying she needed some fresh air. On the way back, she started asking me why I was so grumpy... that discussion did not end particularly well. When we arrived back at the party, after some time another one of the guests openly suggested to her that at such a party, people might want to interact with her instead of just watching her spend time with her boyfriend, she went into a flying rage and left.

In the five years I've known her, I've never seen her like this. I'm quite concerned she might blow up multiple friendships over him by the rate this is going.

The first thing is difficult to handle, but the second is worse as a whole. If friends say these things it's for a reason, and if a relationships causes this, it is not very healthy. I'm sorry...

[Datepalm]

Is this a good idea? No, it is most clearly not. Do I want to go to a cold city in March? No, I clearly do not. What I may actually want to happen is to send in this abstract for this conference that dropped into my mailbox uninvited and, obvs, get it accepted and assigned to a panel and, whoa, oops, this clown who happens to be in this department in this institution is the moderator (or something) and then the schedule will get sent out and I'll see that, as one does, and then, when he knows I know he knows I might be there, quietly cancel, which of course he probably won't know for days or weeks, and then he will, and will be wondering, like, did she cancel because of me? Maybe she didn't. These things happen. Maybe she found a nicer conference, with blackjack and hookers and not ugly snow slush weather to go to. Maybe it was just someone with the same name? No, that's ridiculous, its a weird name. Or maybe it was because of me. We'll never, ever know, will we? Misery! Cold, slushy misery for everyone.

[Heartofice]

11 hours ago, The guy from the Vale said:

Well, the last three New Year's parties that I threw with my social circle were a smashing success, so I was rather optimistic. And indeed it came down to her bringing along her new boyfriend. Incidentally, I was told by two other invitees that they felt his presence was rushed and that they felt uncomfortable with him around. So it wasn't just me. But while I could stand him in short, 1-hour doses on neutral ground, having him in my apartment for close to 10 was quite a bit more exhausting. 

When I went to bring the friend who lives furthest away to the train station for his last train home, she asked if she could accompany us, saying she needed some fresh air. On the way back, she started asking me why I was so grumpy... that discussion did not end particularly well. When we arrived back at the party, after some time another one of the guests openly suggested to her that at such a party, people might want to interact with her instead of just watching her spend time with her boyfriend, she went into a flying rage and left.

In the five years I've known her, I've never seen her like this. I'm quite concerned she might blow up multiple friendships over him by the rate this is going.

I'm going to play devils advocate here and a little of this is a bit like me talking to my younger self, so if it sounds harsh I will apologise in advance, but it would be what I needed to hear years ago.

I don't think you have any real right to her time or affection, but you are acting as if you are owed it. From her perspective it makes sense that she would want to bring her new BF to the party, and then spend her time with the guy, mainly because she likes him and secondly because she might be concerned that he'd be upset to be left alone. These social engagements are tricky and are a fine balancing act, I think its incredibly unfair to get angry at people if they get it wrong in those situations.

I'm also not sure what right other people at the party have to claim how 'rushed' someone else's relationship is. Surely that is up to her to decide. It does sound a little like you are using others opinions at the party to justify your own feelings. Either way I think its not cool to judge your own friends on the people they choose to date or how much time they spend with people at parties. You should be at a party to enjoy yourself, not watch what other people are doing. 

As her friend you cannot treat her like property, and you shouldn't treat her as if you are dating each other or that she has any obligation to spare your jealousy. I think you need to see things from her perspective a little here. I am really not surprised she has got upset and angry at this party; she has been made to feel like a bad person when I'm sure all she was trying to do was spend time with her boyfriend and make people happy. So I wouldn't judge her for her reaction at all.

Instead I would take a step back and examine your own actions and thoughts. In a years time you will probably look back and go 'what was I thinking?!' and wonder why you got so emotional and worked up over a girl you weren't even dating. You'll realise that it doesn't pay to give in to those emotions and that in these situations all you can do is be a good friend and keep treating this girl like your friend, nothing more. I doubt your chances have improved any after this incident but they might do better if you prove that you are a cool guy who is able to handle these situations better. 

So sorry if this sounded like an attack, but I have been in very similar situations to you, reacted in similar ways to you and now I deeply regret it and hopefully I won't do the same thing again.

[The guy from the Vale]

I think you misunderstand me there in the sense that I don't actually think that friend was right to call them out in that spot. I understand her situation well enough to get where she's coming from and don't begrudge her. It's just that it was too soon for me to be exposed to them for such a long time in my own apartment, which made me feel trapped in my own space. But it was my decision to allow that, so it's me who has to learn from it. They indeed didn't do anything wrong.

As for feeling rushed, she can take all the time she wants with him. However, several people expressed to me afterwards that they would have liked to get to know him in a setting where going early was more of an option than at a New Year's party (with its relatively fixed schedule, so to speak) specifically.

[Datepalm]

On ‎1‎/‎1‎/‎2019 at 10:00 PM, Datepalm said:

Is this a good idea? No, it is most clearly not. Do I want to go to a cold city in March? No, I clearly do not. What I may actually want to happen is to send in this abstract for this conference that dropped into my mailbox uninvited and, obvs, get it accepted and assigned to a panel and, whoa, oops, this clown who happens to be in this department in this institution is the moderator (or something) and then the schedule will get sent out and I'll see that, as one does, and then, when he knows I know he knows I might be there, quietly cancel, which of course he probably won't know for days or weeks, and then he will, and will be wondering, like, did she cancel because of me? Maybe she didn't. These things happen. Maybe she found a nicer conference, with blackjack and hookers and not ugly snow slush weather to go to. Maybe it was just someone with the same name? No, that's ridiculous, its a weird name. Or maybe it was because of me. We'll never, ever know, will we? Misery! Cold, slushy misery for everyone.

This has now, actually, in reality, happened. Oops. 

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Like in, he's actually the panel moderator? Then will the cancellation happen too? And most importantly: will you keep us posted?

[Datepalm]

2 hours ago, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Like in, he's actually the panel moderator? Then will the cancellation happen too? And most importantly: will you keep us posted?

In order: yes(!); maybe; obviously.

 

[HexMachina]

7 hours ago, Triskele said:

I have one of those questions where I want to ask the board, and this seems like the least bad place.  

There's someone I casually know at work, and I confess I've tried to peak in the past at whether or not she has a wedding ring, and not seen one.  Today I noticed a ring on her left finger but it looked like an utterly plain band at first, but then I thought I glimpsed a stone underneath.  Like, she had it flipped upside down.  I didn't get a great look and not not 100% sure that this is what I saw, but if it is, what's the deal with that?  Is there any kind of common practice where people do this occasionally for particular situations or something?  

I feel the ring is a poor fit?  (I realise you probably wanted something more helpful)

[john]

That or she habitually turns it round her finger absentmindedly, my wife does that.  But if you’re saying a ring with a stone suddenly turned up on her left ring finger, well maybe she recently got engaged.

[D_P]

On 12/4/2018 at 12:12 PM, Mandy said:

This really is a major obstacle in dating - getting to know someone in a set amount of time to find out whether there is any chemistry.  I also find myself becoming more attracted to someone physically once I begin to like their personality, so the online dating formats such as Tinder or OKCupid really end up selling themselves short because they are based on your initial assessment of their appearance rather than almost anything else.  In the end, this is why I have found myself more likely to become interested in someone I meet in other ways, like gaming, rather than a dating site because I got to know them first.

idk.  being able to speak in an online forum affords us all with a certain amount of flexibility.  but just like everyday conversation, that is the rub.  current iterations allow us a small measure of individuality.  but mandy and i actually talked...many times.  distance was a factor for us, as well as my attachment to other people.

suffice to say that Amanda and I were on the ground floor of this shit.  I'd punch any of you bastards in the face for saying an unkind word about her, YW excluded; apparently...I owe you one, cuz.  

but she was there for me and i tried to be there for her..

ETA: and isn't that where most online relationships begin?

[Datepalm]

On 2/20/2019 at 4:02 PM, Erik of Hazelfield said:

Like in, he's actually the panel moderator? Then will the cancellation happen too? And most importantly: will you keep us posted?

So, we met up and now are trying to open a small bus firm in an East African country together.

This is not a euphemism.

 

 

[Datepalm]

On 3/28/2019 at 9:41 PM, Datepalm said:

So, we met up and now are trying to open a small bus firm in an East African country together.

This is not a euphemism.

This has now progressed to being predictably bad, unpredictably fast.

I need to figure out how to properly get this dude out of my life, and also is anyone free in Boston this evening and wants to hang?

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

I think I’ve made a horrible decision…..

[Maithanet]

34 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

I think I’ve made a horrible decision…..

Is this like a teaser for your upcoming post? 

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

1 hour ago, Maithanet said:

Is this like a teaser for your upcoming post? 

Lol sure, sorta. I hooked up with a married woman over the weekend and she’s been very clingy since.  

[Mexal]

13 minutes ago, Tywin et al. said:

Lol sure, sorta. I hooked up with a married woman over the weekend and she’s been very clingy since.  

That was obviously going to happen. Well done.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

19 hours ago, Mexal said:

That was obviously going to happen. Well done.

Eh, she was the one who suggested it and said she wanted it to be emotionless. And in the last four or five days she’s probably texted me 100 times, but I think I calmed the situation down last night. At least I hope I did.

[Red Tiger]

On 4/3/2019 at 3:40 PM, Tywin et al. said:

Eh, she was the one who suggested it and said she wanted it to be emotionless. And in the last four or five days she’s probably texted me 100 times, but I think I calmed the situation down last night. At least I hope I did.

So how did this end?

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

1 hour ago, Red Tiger said:

So how did this end?

Once I figured out she didn't know where I lived nor did she know anyone who would know, I ghosted and blocked her.