Dating Thread: In Memoriam

[Liffguard]

12 hours ago, Reny of Storms End said:

I had been attempting to get back into the dating world after some trouble with mental issues, and I’m in a terrible spot. I had a female friend, who was also a roommate for a number of years, that I got closer and closer to. With the end result being I am in love with her, and she is engaged to someone else. I met her and became friends with her through them dating, so I never would have even met this person on my own. 
 

Wow does this suck. Any attempts I have made to move on so far have just met with complete failure. Have gone out on dates, not always just first dates, and I can’t move on. Im sure the problem is I still want to remain friends with her, we are close friends and I’ve shared a lot of stuff with her. But that feels like that’s a terrible idea, and I’ve been in this position for a couple months now. 
 

I hate the thought of losing someone I have shared so much of my life with, but I’m so lonely and feel so isolated. I have to figure out how to move forward and find someone who will reciprocate the feelings that I have

Echoing others, I've been there as well. It suuuuucks, no doubt about it.

I think @Toth is right, cutting off contact might be the right idea for now, but it definitely doesn't have to be forever.

[Reny of Storms End]

Thank you Chats, DMC, Toth, and Liffguard. 

I just need to say it again outloud, it really sucks to feel a deep and meaningful connection with someone and think you found the one, but they are with someone else (it was all just emotional, nothing physical). She worked from home and I would sit with her when I was able and we'd talk for 8hrs+ every day. Frankly it's made me seriously doubt myself and my ability to discern how I'm seen by the people around me. Like am I even capable of having someone reciprocate these feelings? 

I had convinced myself many years ago I was happy alone, and then I met this person. Now all I want is someone to love me and care about me, and it's just like I'm putting too much pressure on any new woman I potentially meet. I think it's only fair to myself and others to not be trying to meet anyone right now, but I hate the loneliness so so much. 

[maarsen]

Reny I have been on both sides of the problem you are now facing. Yes, it really sucks no matter how you look at it. There are people I have felt so much for, and some who have felt the same for me but nothing was ever going to come of it. Years later all I can say is yes I still think of them but there is more than that person in the world. Moving on is hard but it is what you need to do. We do have the ability to love more than one or more than once. Good luck.

[3CityApache]

It always sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back, there's no way around it. If she's a friend, it gets even shittier. Does she even know/suspect how you feel about her? But either way, I think loosening the contact is the smart thing to do.

[Reny of Storms End]

26 minutes ago, 3CityApache said:

It always sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back, there's no way around it. If she's a friend, it gets even shittier. Does she even know/suspect how you feel about her? But either way, I think loosening the contact is the smart thing to do.

She knows I care about her and love her in the general sense of close friends. She might know more, but it's never been something that was openly discussed. I try to treat all my friends similarly in regards to showing compassion and caring, so I can't say for sure.

A different friend, after observing us interacting over a week, did ask me if I had feelings for her. So maybe it is obvious, but no one else has ever mentioned it. 

[BigFatCoward]

1 minute ago, Reny of Storms End said:

A different friend, after observing us interacting over a week, did ask me if I had feelings for her. So maybe it is obvious, but no one else has ever mentioned it. 

They might be into you if they are picking up on that. 

[Madame deVenoge]

20 hours ago, 3CityApache said:

It always sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back, there's no way around it. If she's a friend, it gets even shittier. Does she even know/suspect how you feel about her? But either way, I think loosening the contact is the smart thing to do.

Ahem, speaking of this very issue, the Doctor called last night, while I was with Law Professor. 

[3CityApache]

39 minutes ago, Madame deVenoge said:

Ahem, speaking of this very issue, the Doctor called last night, while I was with Law Professor. 

Caught in flagranti. 

Hope you told him to piss right off. 

[Reny of Storms End]

20 hours ago, BigFatCoward said:

They might be into you if they are picking up on that. 

It would be a personal boost to know that, but even if they are, they are engaged and I’m not gonna be the one to end a relationship. I feel like the time to tell this person my feelings has passed. I think I need to take the advice of the thread and start distancing myself, even though it will hurt a lot to lose them being regularly in my life.

[DMC]

50 minutes ago, Reny of Storms End said:

It would be a personal boost to know that, but even if they are, they are engaged and I’m not gonna be the one to end a relationship. I feel like the time to tell this person my feelings has passed. I think I need to take the advice of the thread and start distancing myself, even though it will hurt a lot to lose them being regularly in my life.

Don’t wanna speak for BFC, but I thought he was saying the different friend that asked if you had feelings might be into you.

Anyway, best of luck!  If you do start distancing and are feeling down, you can always use this forum as a distraction by getting into pointless and inane arguments.  I’ll be here!

[BigFatCoward]

44 minutes ago, DMC said:

Don’t wanna speak for BFC, but I thought he was saying the different friend that asked if you had feelings might be into you.

Anyway, best of luck!  If you do start distancing and are feeling down, you can always use this forum as a distraction by getting into pointless and inane arguments.  I’ll be here!

This. 

[Madame deVenoge]

10 hours ago, 3CityApache said:

Caught in flagranti. 

Hope you told him to piss right off. 

I was very in flagrante and not answering the phone 

Law Professor brought flowers for me from his garden  The cats have enjoyed eating the leaves.

 

EDIT - well, ah, I just got broken up with. Ouch. He was very nice about it. Still not fun, though. I soooo did not see this coming. He was all about how attracted to me he was, how gorgeous I am, etc. I didn’t make any serious mistakes like getting drunk or picking a bad restaurant.

I deleted his phone number, so that I can’t make any mistakes. My son is kind enough to be going to the opera with me, tomorrow.

The Doctor called again tonight; I missed the call, tried to call him back twice and it went to voice mail.

I’ll just pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I am going to take a week - this is going to be a week from hell at work, so can’t even think about going on a date until May 15.

Edited April 27 by Madame deVenoge

[Toth]

10 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

The Doctor called again tonight; I missed the call, tried to call him back twice and it went to voice mail.

Am I missing something? Why would you do this to yourself?

 

Meanwhile, I had a... reminder that trying to connect with people in a nerd space comes with its own downsides. I think I already told in another thread about how I was approached for my super niche cosplay at a con by a photographer trying to collect cosplayers of that niche franchise for a shoot. And how he's... weird, to say the least. With him threatening to throw me out of the group when I just casually mentioned a theme of the story, because one girl cosplays it despite having not yet read the story and he goes rabid about people using spoilers, or rather goes rabid when I use spoilers and does excuses when someone else posts something. He also seems to have a rather strong opinions about some conspiracy theories... Well, he now also started to just... write how he is lusting after some of the characters, in creepily explicit terms. You know, the same characters that some of the girls are cosplaying. I'm really just still there for trying to connect with others who are into the same story, because I literally know nobody else who is, but man he is making it hard to stay.

Now comes in a situation last week. He met a bunch of new people to invite at a recent con and much to my surprise, one of them lives in my town, a stupendously pretty woman my age. I know it's hypocritical and creepy and pitiful, but since it's so rare to find someone who loves this story and since we have been hitting off quite well in chat, I couldn't help help but notice that she has to mention as of yet a boyfriend (something all the other girls are quick to mention in passing, for good reason I'm thinking)... now last week she all of a sudden initiated a chat with me first, asking for show recommendations, I was quick to ask what she's into and list some stuff and it lead to rather fluid back-and-forth... until this photographer dude suddenly popped in and started to ramble about loli hentai, instantly killing the conversation as we both awkwardly shuffled off. I literally sat there at the screen with an eye twitch and thoughts of murder.

[maarsen]

That is a life lesson. There is always some creepy guy interrupting you when things start to become interesting. I will bet anything the woman feels the same as you and is waiting to reconnect. Good luck.

[Madame deVenoge]

2 hours ago, maarsen said:

That is a life lesson. There is always some creepy guy interrupting you when things start to become interesting. I will bet anything the woman feels the same as you and is waiting to reconnect. Good luck.

I’m 100% betting on this, as well!!!!

[3CityApache]

17 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

well, ah, I just got broken up with. Ouch.

Wait, but who were you broken up with by? Law Professor? Well, that’s unexpected. Any reason given?

[DMC]

17 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

EDIT - well, ah, I just got broken up with. Ouch.

  Sorry, that sucks.  Law professor I’m assuming?  Fucking lawyers…

17 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

so can’t even think about going on a date until May 15.

That’s my birthday!

[Madame deVenoge]

58 minutes ago, 3CityApache said:

Wait, but who were you broken up with by? Law Professor? Well, that’s unexpected. Any reason given?

Yup, Law Professor. COMPLETELY out of the blue, since we went out Sunday, last week, and he was all about having two dates during this week - one on Wednesday, which was just going to the movies and snuggling in the theater seats, then a walk-and-talk with drinks in the area (it’s an “entertainment district” so open container is allowed). And then Thursday, when he brought me flowers cut from his garden, and he stayed over. Romantic evening, plenty of post-action snuggling with him even teaching me some words in Hebrew.

He literally left my house on Friday morning, then called me that night and broke it off. I started the conversation asking how he was doing, and he said he had felt terrible all day, he had turned out to be allergic to my cats. I told him that I would get a hotel room for after the opera on Saturday (today).

Then he dropped the bomb - he had “done a lot of thinking” that day and his “head and (his) heart are in different places” and even though I’m a “fantastic person”  he….well, wasn’t going to continue to move forward with an “us”. 

So, I’m pretty sure there might have been potentially an element of intimidation there (there were some signs), but possibly the real deal-breaker for him was likely the cat allergy. At least, that’s how I read it.

I deleted his phone number, and promptly texted Trey and asked how his home renovations were proceeding.

I then reactivated Match and responded to a message sent a few weeks ago by a guy who is at the top of my age range, but appears to be very cultured, sophisticated, etc with the subtle signs of a recent picture at a very highly placed table at a charity event with which I am familiar (but you have to be “in the know” to know where it was taken) - like, $25k gets you that table. The Doctor’s table was the $4k lowest tier table.

I also responded to a gentleman of a similar age who is a retired music executive - candid pics with David Bowie and Steven Tyler to prove it. It seems he’s gone sober, but “can still mix a mean martini, should you like”. 

You all know that my ideas of “taking a break” are….well, aspirational words. 

Edited April 27 by Madame deVenoge

[3CityApache]

Not sure what you mean by „intimidation”, but I think it’s highly unprobable that a cat allergy could be a real deal-breaker. There is medicine for that, for fucks sake. And thousand other solutions to deal with it.

Anyhow, good luck with your „break”.  

[Madame deVenoge]

1 hour ago, 3CityApache said:

Not sure what you mean by „intimidation”, but I think it’s highly unprobable that a cat allergy could be a real deal-breaker. There is medicine for that, for fucks sake. And thousand other solutions to deal with it.

Anyhow, good luck with your „break”.  

Intimidated - I’ll let other men explain it to you. 

And it’s totally possible for a cat allergy to be a real deal breaker…he had taken All The Allergy Things before he came over on Thursday. Some people really do have allergies that intense.

My break shall last until Wednesday, when I meet Mr (no nickname yet) for drinks. 

I’m about as successful at taking breaks from dating as I am at “work-life balance”