Dating: Matchmakers, dealbreakers and affairs, oh my!

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

All of that said, I also don't drink a lot around colleagues anymore. I just can't deal with the post-drunk anxiety. So, I totally feel you on this one.

I refuse to go to official gatherings at work where there is going to be alcohol.  I  am paranoid about being the guy people are talking about me for years on end. I've worked hard for people to hold me in good esteem.  

[karaddin]

Without wanting to make Theda feel any worse, I think getting to the point of not remembering significant chunks of the night goes a bit beyond just having fun. It's no big disaster or anything, but if she doesn't feel happy about it then maybe that's something to take on board for next time

Oh absolutely, I didn't mean my story as an endorsement of the state I was in, just an example of someone in a much worse state at a work party.  I actually changed how I drink after that afternoon, I was blacking out too easily when drinking so I decided I needed to cut right back and I think it's only happened once or twice in the many years since.

[HexMachina]

Uggghhhh. I got shit faced at the staff party, did the dance routine from Pulp Fiction to Chuck Berry (was a success), touched a few peoples faces, got really excited by one guys hellboy tattoo, touched his arm a lot, fell over about 700 times, twisted my ankle, had to be helped home by one of my mates otherwise I would have just collapsed somewhere...yeah...I might be done with getting drunk from now on...you make yourself so vulnerable...ans I don't remember HALF of the night...I was told today I spent about 10 minutes telling this guy (the one I have had a sort of dull crush on for well over a year now lol) that he had a lovely face and then I touched his face and clung to arm for 20 minutes enthusiastically going on about True Detective and Banshee...aahhhh yeah...I think that was my last night getting proper pissed...I hate not remembering the night and I also jumped on the small stage bit at the venue we rented for the party and danced to kate bush and then jumped off the stage again...oh god...

ETA: i jusy dont want people hateing me and thinking im stupid and anoying and weird but no one has displayed that attitude to me thus far... still tho im so mortified and and just aahh feel a bit deflated really 

Is what I say after every night out ever

Though to be fair, I only go out on very rare occasions now. I would much rather stay home, drinking tea and reading or watching cheesy, crappy TV than go out...

 

[Isis]

All of that said, I also don't drink a lot around colleagues anymore. I just can't deal with the post-drunk anxiety. So, I totally feel you on this one.

Pretty much this. I had a spectacularly drunk Christmas lunch at work once (about ten years ago I think) and after that I made myself take it very easy with alcohol in a work setting. One thing that really helps is not even having an alcoholic drink until an hour or two after everyone else. That way you can see other people 'under the influence' and it kind of reinforces your choice to take it easy. Then it might even get to the point where you've had one drink and can't even be bothered to drink any more. 

[Datepalm]

Ugh how does one flirt? How does one establish the space of the flirting? Can we get hats or something? Thats what the internet apps do so well, they cut through that ambiguity. Yes, you end up after a first date probably not knowing if there's reciprocity for a second, but there's very little deniability that it is, in fact, a date. So that's something. If you just meet someone randomly at a party, how do you get to "let us go on a date"?

(For the record, there are no OkCupid matches within, uh, 500 miles of me, so that's out.)

[Theda Baratheon]

All of that said, I also don't drink a lot around colleagues anymore. I just can't deal with the post-drunk anxiety. So, I totally feel you on this one.

yeah, it's the anxiety that just ruins what was probably a pretty good night except like I DONT REMEMBER lol. I royally fucked my ankle and it still really hurts like 3 days later and I have about 400 bruises everywhere ...so next time I think I'm sticking with a pint or two (am very lightweight) and stopping and man i really need to look somewhere OTHER THAN WORK for people to crush on.  thanks thoguys you did calm the anxiety quite a bit.

[Theda Baratheon]

Is what I say after every night out ever

Though to be fair, I only go out on very rare occasions now. I would much rather stay home, drinking tea and reading or watching cheesy, crappy TV than go out...

 

Oh I really like going out even tho I can't do it so much anymore (which is why I got so overexcited I think) because my last train back home from the city is at 10 hah. I just think I'm done with the whole drinking ridiculously quickly one after another and then getting blind drunk within a couple of hours thing lol. 

Pretty much this. I had a spectacularly drunk Christmas lunch at work once (about ten years ago I think) and after that I made myself take it very easy with alcohol in a work setting. One thing that really helps is not even having an alcoholic drink until an hour or two after everyone else. That way you can see other people 'under the influence' and it kind of reinforces your choice to take it easy. Then it might even get to the point where you've had one drink and can't even be bothered to drink any more. 

Yeah I think I'll stick to slowly drinking a pint or two now when I'm out. I don't reeaaaally need to be drunk to dance or do karaoke or anything important like that  so I don't need it really. 

It was the worst hangover I have ever had as well which has majorly put me off...because I woke up without one...and then had to wait 4 hours to start my shift and by the time I started my shift I felt like death warmed up and I knew I wouldn't finish work until 9pm and wouldn't get home until 10.30pm *shudder* that was NOT a fun day 

[Buckwheat]

Ugh how does one flirt?

That is a ... very good question. If there was a simple answer, maybe there would not even be this thread.

[Lily Valley]

Ugh how does one flirt? How does one establish the space of the flirting? Can we get hats or something? Thats what the internet apps do so well, they cut through that ambiguity. Yes, you end up after a first date probably not knowing if there's reciprocity for a second, but there's very little deniability that it is, in fact, a date. So that's something. If you just meet someone randomly at a party, how do you get to "let us go on a date"?

(For the record, there are no OkCupid matches within, uh, 500 miles of me, so that's out.)

DO THIS!!!!  

There are two women who flirt at me at the local truck stop whenever I pop in for gas. 
Granted... I think they are just trying to break me down by making fun of my hair all the time. But the mild abuse probably is what keeps me coming back in all truth. (Gotta love that truck gas sass).
 

Thank you for this.  All my smart mouth aside, I'm a southern woman.  I feel like it's my civic duty to tease men a little bit when I'm in the right mood and out in public.  This is the best thank you note I could ever ever have gotten.

Now if I'm actually interested it's a whole different matter.

yeah, it's the anxiety that just ruins what was probably a pretty good night except like I DONT REMEMBER lol. I royally fucked my ankle and it still really hurts like 3 days later and I have about 400 bruises everywhere ...so next time I think I'm sticking with a pint or two (am very lightweight) and stopping and man i really need to look somewhere OTHER THAN WORK for people to crush on.  thanks thoguys you did calm the anxiety quite a bit.

Theda, it sounds like you had a really good time and then took a spill.  It's fine.  You live somewhere that bars close early, right?  It tends to make people get drinking habits where they pound down alcohol after work.  I'd advise putting together a small cocktail cabinet at home.  It can really help change your habits towards moderate drinking. I think you'll find that most of the time when you get home you'll pour one drink and then reach for water.  

 When I host people from out of town here in New Orleans I usually have to remind them that the bars aren't going to close.  No need to order shots at 2am,  I have to tell them that it's already 4.

So come visit me!  Seeing the sunrise from the other end of a drunk is really something.  I promise to keep you safe and I won't let you fall over.

[Deedles]

Actually what I think might help, especially if you are drinking in company, is to have a glass (1/2 pint) rather than a pint in each round. I find I tend to match my drinking speed to the size of my glass and my companions. So, a glass will last the same time, but you aren't drinking as much.

 

i have many work party shenanigans. No one ever held anything against me (nor me against others when I've been the sober one).

[sologdin]

If you just meet someone randomly at a party, how do you get to "let us go on a date"?

in lieu of a derridean oblique approach, be unambiguous by licking the side of their face, maybe.

[Lily Valley]

If you just meet someone randomly at a party, how do you get to "let us go on a date"?

in lieu of a derridean oblique approach, be unambiguous by licking the side of their face, maybe.

You have NEVER EVER done this to me and now I am seriously offended.  In addition, it's entirely your fault that there is gin in this glass instead of coffee.  It's SUNDAY.  

Don't listen to this commie.  If he had his way we'd all be walking around without pants and humping like bonobos (except for me, obviously).

DP, look for body language.  You have to start it and see if it's reciprocated.

[Datepalm]

The thing is, almost anyone I meet is, well, about to leave. Hell, I'm about to leave. I have to figure out how to do this, like, quickly. I need someone to give me the dirty truth on hookup etiquette in the humanitarian sector.

[The Warlock of Qarth]

DP, look for body language.  You have to start it and see if it's reciprocated.

This, so much this. Also, don't second-guess things too much and don't be too afraid to escalate things.

And an update from my rant earlier this week: Had a two dates this week, one on Friday and one on Saturday (Sunday date cancelled). Surprisingly, the Friday date (with the girl who cancelled earlier) when amazingly well! As we said our goodbyes we'd already agreed we'd definitely see each other again (I even managed an (awkward, of course) goodbye kiss). On the other hand, the Saturday date (the one I had been most excited about) was...alright, I suppose? I didn't really feel an emotional or romantic connection though, so  I'll probably send her an "I had a great time, but..." text tomorrow morning. Just shows how it goes...

[snowleper]

Ugh how does one flirt?

I've found it is mostly in the eyebrows. Try going  through a range of slow facial twitching while you try to make the other party... 'discharge' a blush response your way and you pretty much have the deal sealed.

Body language, speech tonality, and playful humor are essential in this sort of exchange.

 

Thank you for this.  All my smart mouth aside, I'm a southern woman.  I feel like it's my civic duty to tease men a little bit when I'm in the right mood and out in public.  This is the best thank you note I could ever ever have gotten.

 

Well -- obviously I was attempting to charm you in some way. You are welcome.
Now, if you make fun of me a little bit every now and then to make me second guess my self-worth, I'll probably try to impress you in order to gain your approval.  I'm certain you can in turn leverage this for your own self-gain.

[TerraPrime]

Flirting: Trying to express your interest in romantic and/or coital pursuit with the conversing party, without coming right out and say it.

Example:

Hey, what's up.

Oh just work. Blah. It's the suck.

Hahah. I hear you. So any plan to relax after work?

Going out with mates to see a movie. You?

Nothing planned yet. Probably just going to be home catching Netflix. The new season of Doctor Who is out, and that character really reminds me of you - she has really awesome smile and looks great in skirts. :-)  <--- flirt

Awww. Thanks. You're sweet.  :-)  You think this season is any good?

blah blah blah nerdism blah blah blah

 

Counter-example:

Hey, what's up.

My dick, seeing your text.

....

 

Counter-example 2:

Hey, what's up.

Oh just work. Blah. It's the suck.

Yeah, it sucks.

*crickets*

 

Counter-example 3:

Hey, what's up.

Oh just work. Blah. It's the suck.

Hahah. I hear you. So any plan to relax after work?

Going out with mates to see a movie. You?

Nothing planned yet. Why don't you ditch your friends and Netflix and chill with me?

[Ordos]

Well... I'm not going to go see that girl I knew 20 years ago who invited me to come see her via Facebook. Yesterday when I asked when she would like me to drop by this month, she said she had a change of plans and was going on a month long vacation on some remote islands off the coast of Papua. She said maybe we could meet some time next year to which I simply said 'we will see'. I knew that was a polite way for her to say 'not going to happen'. Today I put on a black shirt and my NK flag pin. I'm sure I'll get over it in a few days though.

[MinDonner]

I take it you've resumed posting here because your incredibly fraught and legally-complicated divorce is all finalised to everyone's satisfaction?

[Aniel]

So my SO might be in trouble at school now, because of his roommate...

Basically they had an argument the other day, because said roommate doesn't seem to know what headphones are (this is the second roommate who doesn't, btw) and then yesterday the RA  or someone came knocking on the door because the roommate had told him that my SO has a knife in the room. Which he does. He's been using it in his geology work for scratch tests. It seems this was done just to get back at him for the argument, in which case that expensive whiskey my SO also has might have been a better target than a fucking knife, since whiskey generally isn't used as a murder weapon.

Don't get me wrong, weapons on school grounds are definitely bad, where I live the only reason for you to be allowed to have a knife anywhere other than your house is because your work or some not-illegal hobby requires it, so I'm not yelling about the right to protect oneself or anything here. I'm mostly pissed because my SO has insane amounts of stress on him, what with finals, his parents recent divorce, his finances getting fucked over by his dad, his scholarship not being paid because something about the state budget, the stress of not knowing if he'll get to come live here, and more shit. And now my SO has to worry about maybe paying a fine he can't afford, being expelled and/or have this get on some sort of record that might affect the decision of him getting a residence permit here. Yay!

And yeah, I mean my SO does have himself to blame for having a knife, but other than the practical uses, I'm pretty sure he only has it due to sentimental value. He kind of collects knives (as in, he has a couple cool knives at home) and this is one I told him about. It's also a really good knife and it's his favourite. I just hope the roommate only said "he has a knife in the room" and not something worse. He's got a meeting coming up with the dorm supervisor, so we won't know until then what's going to happen. The RA apparently said that probably the only thing to happen would be a warning/this meeting, but my SO generally thinks everything that can go bad will go bad.

[Pro Augustis]

Maybe a mindset change is in order?  I've never gone into any date, or really most social situations, expecting that I won't get along w/ that person/people.  That's like going into a job interview expecting that you likely won't get the job.  That kind of stuff is easily projected and picked up on by others and can bias the interaction into becoming what you are expecting.  We're also talking maybe 2 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  It shouldn't be that difficult to find that time and at least try to be a little bit positive during that time period.  

Also, this is assuming a single date in a week you don't have other dates and will be in town.  Squeezing in some drinks, a dinner, or a weekend lunch shouldn't be that difficult if you actually want to date.

If I thought that there was no chance I'd get along with someone, I obviously wouldn't bother with a date. Still, it seems hard to deny that most first dates are not going to go anywhere. 

Admittedly, I shouldn't be too cynical in this post, as my weekend went quite well. I saw the girl I mentioned previously; we went to a museum and got some food, and she ended up staying the night. I'm sure I'll be back to over-analyzing everything shortly, but for the moment I'm content with having a nice evening and morning and that she, so far as I can tell, had a good time too.