Is spanking wrong?

[Kobayashi Maru]

Well I learned there and then you don't play with sizors,you don't use them on other people you don't make your little brother cry or it will only end up in tears. It was two hits an the behind and all this was in my head from that day on. Nothing wrong with that. However some other more apropriate kinds of punnishment left much deeper scars. Sending to a corner or depriving of a touy usually had completely different effect. I got more dissobeying. I guess I'm that kind of person. For example I once sneaked in my neighbours garden and stole something from it and my grandmother in stead of spanking made me take all I stole, go to said neighbour apologize and return all the stuff. I got offended by this...irony I know since I was wrong but...I felt humiliated I felt betrayed by my grandma who imo at the time betrayed me to a neighbour and didn't agree to be my accomplice, and I just perfected the ways of stealing without being caught. Devious little seven year old.

[maarsen]

My youngest daughter was a hell raiser from the age of 18 months. She once asked my why I have so few photos of her. I showed her one of her running at me with a stick because I had just snapped her picture. She was 2. She had temper tantrums that would only stop when she would begin to cry. At six years old she kicked a hole in her sister's bedroom door. Only once did I ever spank her and that was one smack, and I still feel bad for doing that. She is a grown woman now and starting school next week for her MA.

[Top Notch Balanter]

Spanking is nothing compared to the wooden spoon. When i used to misbehave which was very regular it would be a couple of clatters of that across the hand or if you were unlucky you might get it across the back. I remember a couple of occasions where the mother used a rolling pin now that was pain. Fond memories looking back on all of it. What wasn't a fond memory was when i broke the window that was a pure hiding

[Minaku]

I have spanked my kid precisely once and it was one slap on his butt. I felt like total shit afterwards and there was a lot of crying and hugging and apologizing for losing my cool and using my hands instead of my words.

I don't consider small smacks to be spanking - like, for example, when I'm working at the piano, and my son comes in and starts getting in my way by getting between the keyboard and me, or physically taking my hands off the piano. After several repeated warnings I smack his hands if he grabs mine. I'm much, much less inclined to use words when I'm actively practicing and want to be left alone.

So yes, spanking is wrong; yes, I have done it; no, I do not like it as a disciplinary tool; no, not all spanking is abuse, but we are hypocrites if we teach our kids not to hit and then turn around and hit them.

I was spanked as a child. I had a very traditional upbringing complete with physical punishment. I make no bones about it being abuse.

[TalalOfDorne]

Maybe its because the way we grew up, but I can't out right call it wrong (Though thats starting to change). Thankfully, I was blessed to be raised by parents who never once hit me or my brother and sister.

Though my mom did use that occasional pinch that really stung, but got us to pay attention to her. However, a lot of parents did (And still do) hit their kids, whether its using the hands, a cane, or shoe, and its still seen in schools (We used to get chased into a class by one of the staff with a long ruler :laugh: ) Though this is also starting to change.So I never really considered it to be something abnormal, but it does go beyond spanking at times.

I guess it should be a last resort, and I mean really far down the list.

[The Progressive]

You should not spank children, but use a small cane instead. Preferably about same size as a thumb. Before caning them, you should tell them calmly why they are being caned. Also warn them that future infraction would result in more canings. That way you will teach them a valuable work lesson about progressive discipline as well, in addition to a lesson about the justice system and mannerism.

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

My wife and I have spanked. However, we have learned that "time out" or sentences are far more effective means of discipline.

[thecryptile]

I had to cut switches when I was a kid. It sucked. I had to be careful in my selection- a light flimsy switch would often break and I'd have go cut another to complete my punishment. If I have kids, I'm never going to have them cut switches.

[Elaena Targaryen]

I'm in the US and at my job I worked with several men from Italia for a time. We discussed many things and once we did talk about spanking children as punishment.

First let me say they were all very shocked that in the US we spank our children and could not believe that it is legal to do so.

When I asked "You don't spank your children in Italy?" The reply I received was "No we stone them."

That sarcasm and general disgust made me feel very ashamed of myself for being so accepting of this punishment and not challenging why our society allows it.

[Monday]

So yes, spanking is wrong; yes, I have done it; no, I do not like it as a disciplinary tool; no, not all spanking is abuse, but we are hypocrites if we teach our kids not to hit and then turn around and hit them.

Pretty much this.

Ugh. This is uncomfortble to talk about, because it's not in line with who I try to be. I have spanked my son on a few occasions in the past. They were typical as far as spanks go, one or two open handed hits on the rear, not hard enough to hurt - but I feel that the lack of severity doesn't make it less wrong, hitting for any reason but to avert danger is not right, imo. It was inexcusably the wrong thing for me to do in those situations. It set a bad example and contradicted everything we've taught him about dealing with things using his words.

In those moments I came up short as a parent and a person. At those moments I didn't supply the control, communication skills, patience, and creative strategy to do my job effectively. They were times where I was in over my head, out of ideas, and unable to control or divert one of my son's violently extreme meltdowns (he used to have them a lot up until last year). I'm tempted to say (and maybe have said before? I know I've told myself this.) that it was a calculated discipline strategy that came from a place of love just like any other method we use - but it wasn't. In the case of those spanks it came from a place of desperation, frustration, fear, a sense of inadequacy, and a sort of acute stress in the face of the noise and intensity of his meltdowns. I wanted (and felt that I needed) it to stop now, but I didn't have the skill to stop it in a way that was right or the patience and confidence in those moments to ride it out. It never ended his meltdown fully, it would sort of surprise him enough to derail the rapid escalation, but was useless in the long term and the poor messages it sent far outweighed the temporary deescalation. He gained no strategies to help control himself from the spanks. The spankings themselves didn't teach him anything positive, though we've had useful talks about it (ie: why hitting is wrong and what I should have done instead, two wrongs don't make a right, etc). I felt bad and I imagine he felt frustrated and thought I was a hypocrite.

TL;DR

I've done it before and feel it was wrong.

[peterbound]

So yes, spanking is wrong; yes, I have done it; no, I do not like it as a disciplinary tool; no, not all spanking is abuse, but we are hypocrites if we teach our kids not to hit and then turn around and hit them.

I don't teach my kids not to hit.

ETA: There are times in life, and I know this is tough to understand, where you will end up punching someone in the face. Usually this is a tool used to correct idiotic or behavior that is way the fuck out of bounds. Just like spanking.

Also, fuck these threads.. all we need now is one on circumcision and the downslope into evil will begin.

[Monday]

Also, fuck these threads.. all we need now is one on circumcision and the downslope into evil will begin.

Yes, fuck them.

If anyone of you read that and suddenly felt the urge to start that circumcision thread, please know that if you do I will track you down and spank you into next week.

[A Time for Wolves]

Yes, fuck them.

If anyone of you read that and suddenly felt the urge to start that circumcision thread, please know that if you do I will track you down and spank you into next week.

This is why I love this board.

Btw I totes got spanked when I was kid and it made me a better human being. Actually, my poor South Asian parents started reading this new fangled parenting bullshit book when my younger brother was on the way, and it said you shouldn't spank kids, so my brother got spoiled. Also, my parents felt guilty for spanking me and were like, "OMG sorry do you need therapy?!" I told them to stop being silly asses.

My parents were ridiculously nice to me growing up and didn't ever make me do chores or anything. I would have turned into a monstrous brat if it wasn't for those spankings. FYI, I'm not going to be quite so nice to my own kids one day.E

Edit: If it hasn't already been posted in this thread,

sums up my opinion.

[Lady Olenna]

as was stated, to prevent real harm to the child when they are just not responding to anything else.

I will give an example of the 2 or 3 times I had to (and it was certainly a last result thing)

My older son threw some very serious temper tantrums, the kind where I worried he would hurt himself or someone else and he was so out of control I couldn't just hold him until he calmed down (which is what I normally tried to do). That one little smack and the shock generally brought him around enough to be reasoned with or at least held.

This sounds like my lil one. I have to hold him like a human straight jacket when he gets out of control. He hates it but it works, and nothing else does. His tantrums can be extreme and he's left bruises on me! At 3 years old I can barely control him at times. But really, holding works.

[A Time for Wolves]

This sounds like my lil one. I have to hold him like a human straight jacket when he gets out of control. He hates it but it works, and nothing else does. His tantrums can be extreme and he's left bruises on me! At 3 years old I can barely control him at times. But really, holding works.

You're really compassionate and lovely. I mean that. I can't believe you can just hold the kid during multiple bruise-inducing tantrums. You remind me of my post-brother mom. Softies!

But in all seriousness, does the holding send the message that tantrums are unacceptable, or does he just feel all the compassion?

[polishgenius]

This sounds like my lil one. I have to hold him like a human straight jacket when he gets out of control. He hates it but it works, and nothing else does. His tantrums can be extreme and he's left bruises on me! At 3 years old I can barely control him at times. But really, holding works.

It's great when holding works, but it doesn't always. I didn't start having an uncontrollable temper till I was rather older - far too big for my mum to hold, probably a struggle for my dad too - and I'd go into shrieking flailing rage fits for ages at little to no provocation. After several conversations about how I was going to get myself taken away, or grow up and end up dead or in prison, and everything, and any other method they could think to try, eventually I got a spanking. Which was massively important to my life coz that was the first time I started trying to control my temper and fuck knows where I'd be if that hadn't happened.

And yeah, I'm with Peterbound - teaching children not to hit isn't 'the right way' or anything. In fact in my mind it's fucking crazy, because what happens when they get into a situation when they should? Teach them how to hit and most importantly when (which is of course very rarely).

[Kobayashi Maru]

I must admit that now when I look back what really thought me was spanking other methods made me worse and mpre devious.

[Deedles]

I don't spank my dog, why would I spank my (hypothetical) children. I believe I was smacked once or twice as a child (but don't recall it). My younger brother who is 12 years younger than me, was never smacked / spanked. Mom said it would be hypocritical to tell him that he can't hit others - while hitting him herself. There were boundaries and if you breached them, you were punished, typically with chores, witholding of pocket money, withdrawal of toys or denying treats such as trips.

[Lady Olenna]

I think it all depends on the child. And trying to figure out what will get the best results. Right now, me holding my child (and I mean on my lap, my legs crossed over his - holding his arms crossed so he can't move) seems to work. He will try to bite, pinch, scratch and do whatever to get out of it but once he's used up his energy and cried for a few minutes he's all good. Some people think this is soft parenting some think its cruel. I don't really care what people think of my parenting because, well, they don't live with my child.

I tried the whole talking to him thing, but he's not exactly a reasonable 3 year old ( I don't know many that are) and he's been spanked. Spanking just makes him get more pissed off and violent. So it's not the right discipline for him and I don't like it. It feels like lazy parenting to me. BUT I also know what it's like to be sleep deprived constantly and at the end if my rope with it all and at those times you just want an easy fix.

Oh and time out... Yah he just knocks the entire chair over with him strapped to it. It's a game for him, and he's like a mini hulk, so it doesn't work.

Interestingly, my sister in-law is visiting and she put her foot down and told him she wouldn't play with him anymore if he didn't behave. He slammed the door on us, locked himself in his room for a solid ten minutes and once he was over his fit he came out sobbing apologies left and right. I'm hoping this is a sign that he is maturing.

Edit : once he turns 4 I'm starting him in some kind of MMA class. I want him to learn discipline but also constructive self defense. At that point, I'm pretty sure holding ain't gonna work.

[Alex.]

And yeah, I'm with Peterbound - teaching children not to hit isn't 'the right way' or anything. In fact in my mind it's fucking crazy, because what happens when they get into a situation when they should? Teach them how to hit and most importantly when (which is of course very rarely).

I'm with you and peterbound on this point as well. There are times when fighting is necessary and kids shouldn't be taught to shy away from it if the situation presents itself under the umbrella of "all hitting is bad". However, I'm dead against adults hitting children as it just seems to have the smell of bullying about it. There's no excuse for physically attacking someone so much smaller than yourself. It's designed to teach fear, which is a heinous thing to teach someone.