Is spanking wrong?

[A Time for Wolves]

Lazy parenting is a good way to describe spanking, although I think it has its place. Sounds like you are doing the right thing for your child though. If he's got such a fiery spirit, you want to temper it, not break it. :)

I think spanking vs other methods definitely depends on the child and the situation.

[Lupigis]

Spanking children is wrong for exactly the same reasons spanking adults is wrong. Think about the reasons why it would be wrong for your boss to spank you if you broke a rule at work. The exact same reasons apply when your kid breaks a rule at home.

(Am father of three, have never spanked.)

[polishgenius]

I think it all depends on the child.

That's the secret of bringing up children, right there.

It's designed to teach fear, which is a heinous thing to teach someone.

I don't think it's that simple. Some things, you're supposed to be scared of. Now if you're using hitting as an intimidation tactic to keep your children in line, then yes, I think you're doing it very very wrong, but for example if a little'un is constantly trying to stick their fingers in the sockets and explanations and whatever don't stop them, a sharp slap on the wrist is probably a better solution then them getting a kick from the mains while your back is turned.

I think there's also a difference between hitting purely for punishment and hitting because a point has to be made.

Like I say, I'm not sure I could hit a kid myself and would certainly try to find another way but I can see the reasons. And it depends on the parent as well. Quite simply, some people are better at talking and otherwise guiding children than others.

[sologdin]

daughter laughed at me when i swatted her. it was a scene from RSB, three-year old telling me who now will take the knife to my heart?

recite the Ten Commandments and she gets pissed whenever she stumbles or forgets

gah. can't see any circumstance wherein this set of facts warrants discipline of any kind.

[Seli]

Spanking* is wrong. Yes.

And I am really wondering in what world some of you live, that you think you will encounter situations where you have to start hitting someone. Or perhaps it is the world in which I live.

*consensual excluded of course

[mormont]

Yeah, I'm unconvinced.

I'm a parent of three. I smacked the eldest because I believed it worked. I stopped because it didn't work. It made his temper tantrums worse. I understand now exactly why: he acted out because he was insecure, and being smacked made that worse. It sent the message that yeah, I really do have negative feelings about you. It was a disaster.

I raised two more after that and rarely smacked the second, never smacked the third. I quickly figured out that while smacking doesn't necessarily do any harm to each and every child, it carries a real risk of doing harm to some children, and it has no benefits. There is always an alternative strategy. Consistency and calm are much more important than impact. Shouting, hitting, making a huge drama out of things - these things are not effective discipline. They get in the way of effective discipline.

And I never, ever had a problem with deterring my kids from sticking their fingers in the mains or their heads in the oven or any of these other 'imminent danger' scenarios. This gets brought up a lot as a justification for smacking: I have never heard of a single case where it really, seriously was an issue. As a justification for smacking, at best it's using the one case in ten million to justify the other 9,999,999. It's a pointless diversion from the actual issues. If your child is doing something imminently dangerous, you pick them up, remove them from the danger, look them in the eye and say 'no'. It works fine. If you can reach your child to hit them, you can reach them to remove them from the danger.

[Lady Olenna]

Lazy parenting is a good way to describe spanking, although I think it has its place. Sounds like you are doing the right thing for your child though. If he's got such a fiery spirit, you want to temper it, not break it. :)

I think spanking vs other methods definitely depends on the child and the situation.

You've summed it up perfectly. Tempering vs breaking can be a fine line. And it sucks as a parent to walk that fine line. It sucks even more to fail at parenting but every parent does at some point. That's how we learn.

Edited for grammar

[Salome the Persian Witch]

This thread should come with a trigger warning.

[Roose Seal]

There isn't one instance where I find corporeal punishment justifiable.

If an adult has to hit a child to make a point, they should question their ability to explain things in the first place and not the child's ability to understand them.

[Lany Freelove Cassandra]

This sounds like my lil one. I have to hold him like a human straight jacket when he gets out of control. He hates it but it works, and nothing else does. His tantrums can be extreme and he's left bruises on me! At 3 years old I can barely control him at times. But really, holding works.

The good news is once school started, the outburst became rarer. But yeah, at 3 & 4 it was HARD to control him.

And he has grown up to be a very nice young man ;)

[Greywolf2375]

Yes, as a last resort it is fine. Each of my siblings and I were spanked exactly once because we did something so beyond the line of what we knew was appropriate behavior that a "no, bad dog" statement wasn't going cut through. Will it work for you - I have no idea, I'm not you nor am I your children.

[MisterOJ]

Those that have said that it depends on the child are dead-on right.

I have two girls. I have never had to spank my oldest. There's no need. Just talking to her about what she did wrong and why she shouldn't do it again is enough for her. I tell her she messed up, she corrects the behavior. Done. If she does something really severe, then I might raise my voice a little. Not screaming, just louder than usual. And at that point she really pays attention and knows she really screwed up.

With my youngest... none of that matters. I could talk or yell at her until I'm blue in the face, and she wouldn't flinch of care one bit. We've tried time out, but that doesn't work either. In addition to being very strong-willed, she's also very patient. That doesn't work. Taking away privileges doesn't work either, because, again, very patient.

She's been spanked twice. Once for taking a rock and deliberately scratching up the computer monitor and again for taking fingernail polish remover and dumping in into the laptop. The first one was just a couple of smacks to her butt. The second one was several smacks to her butt. It wasn't fun for me, but it worked. That was about two years ago. I haven't had to spank her since. She has not repeated that kind of destructive behavior at all since that time - and it was getting to be a very common occurrence right up until she destroyed the laptop. And ever since then, if she is starting to get out of control, just a reminder about her last spanking works wonders.

As parents, we have a responsibility to discipline our children. Sometimes, spanking is the only thing that works. And if you refuse to do that because you feel like it's "bullying" then you are doing your child a disservice.

[mormont]

As parents, we have a responsibility to discipline our children.

Yes.

Sometimes, spanking is the only thing that works.

Well... I'm 41 years old. I've brought up three kids, one of whom had really quite serious behavioural issues. I had three brothers, and between us we pulled a lot of shit. My extended family has many more kids and some of them have behavioural issues too. I have seen, experienced, and been a parent who smacks, as well as a parent that doesn't.

And I have never in my life seen one single situation where smacking was the only thing that worked. Not once.

The problem with this assertion is, other parents and carers can and do handle any and all of these situations without smacking. Self-evidently, therefore, your claim is open to doubt.

[Former Lord of Winterfell]

I don't think it is necessarily wrong, though it all depends on context and severity.

I don't use it on my kids, but I don't really have a problem with it being more common with an older generation. Spanking does teach a certain fear of moral authority in a way more likely to stick. Shit, I was worried enough that my old man would crack me -- though he did it very rarely -- that I made sure I abided by his rules. There is an immediacy and unpredictability to corporal punishment that really doesn't exist with most other types of punishment. And I don't think it is a bad thing for kids to learn that the Wrath of God will come down on them for fucking up big-time.

[naz]

But why does the "Wrath of God" have to take the form of physical violence? As others have said, there are other effective ways of conditioning your kids to respect authority. Ones that, you know, don't involve an adult inflicting physical violence on a child.

[Sci-2]

I do recall these kids acting up on a train, their mom actually saying "I'm begging you to sit down" or something akin to that. I turned to my sister and asked, "Do you think mom or dad would ever beg us to sit down?". We knew we'd have gotten spanked for causing such a rucus.

So I hate to say it as it goes against the liberal grain, but I think getting spanked [but not beaten of course] kept me out of trouble. I do sometimes wonder if it was a good thing though, as I don't [believe] anger should be a motivation for disciplinary action.

I've heard Coolio suggest that the parent wait until the next day to bring out the switch.

[Balefont]

It's a quick fix and one I chose not to employ. That's not the sort of relationship I want to have with my child.

[Galactus]

Honestly, this is bizzarre. This is something that is so obviously, DNA-level wrong to me that I can't even fathom that people aren't weirded out.

It's like if you started a thread saying "Is rape wrong?" and half the people said "Well, not if she asked for it..."

[Seli]

Honestly, this is bizzarre. This is something that is so obviously, DNA-level wrong to me that I can't even fathom that people aren't weirded out.

It's like if you started a thread saying "Is rape wrong?" and half the people said "Well, not if she asked for it..."

Different cultures. With the nordic countries leading the way forward http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment .

Sweden has so much of a head-start on recognizing the rights of children in this context it makes sense you feel you are in an alien world here.

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

I do recall these kids acting up on a train, their mom actually saying "I'm begging you to sit down" or something akin to that. I turned to my sister and asked, "Do you think mom or dad would ever beg us to sit down?". We knew we'd have gotten spanked for causing such a rucus.

So I hate to say it as it goes against the liberal grain, but I think getting spanked [but not beaten of course] kept me out of trouble. I do sometimes wonder if it was a good thing though, as I don't [believe] anger should be a motivation for disciplinary action.

I've heard Coolio suggest that the parent wait until the next day to bring out the switch.

I mostly agree with you, though I'm a little more skeptical of the efficacy of corporal punishment. There are always going to be anecdotal cases where it either worked or didn't (though who's to really know), but in the aggregate, I think that cultures and subcultures that uses corporal punishment tend to have higher rates delinquency and violence than cultures that don't, though there's always spurious correlation to watch out for.

What I have the greatest issue with, though, is this notion that physical pain is some unimaginable evil that children need to be protected from at all cost.