Mlle. Zabzie

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About Mlle. Zabzie

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  • Birthday 08/25/1977

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Mlle. Zabzie's Activity

  1. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic TTTNE 460: Because we lost everything since TTTNE 457   

    Hi my lovelies!  Checking in - also looking to see what happened to the questionnaires for secret santa. . . .
  2. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic isn't shellfish gross?   

    I don't eat shellfish. I literally don't touch the stuff. To be fair, that's more because I might cease to breathe.
  3. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Happy Name Day to Our Darling Fragile Bird!   

    Happy birthday!
  4. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Help - My sister's boyfriend is suicidal and she is at wits end and I don't know how to help her   

    I've passed on both those suggestions to my sister. Thank you so much.
  5. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Do University Rankings Really Matter for Undergraduate Degrees?   

    There are two different measures of this. See this interesting NY Times article about a recent Gallup study (run by a good friend of mine from University!) that concludes that by some measure it doesn't matter. However, see this recent stuff published by the US government (in Slate on 9/14) that suggests that in terms of money earned, maybe it does (subject to the qualifications discussed in the article re who goes there).
  6. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Help - My sister's boyfriend is suicidal and she is at wits end and I don't know how to help her   

    Thanks all. She has convinced him to talk to his doctor, who has increased his medication, which is good (it may or may not be the answer - I don't know). She has gotten the next couple of days off work, and knows that my door and sleeper sofa are open to her and her daughter any time. I strongly urged her next week to drop her daughter off at my apartment on the way to work if nothing else. She is now trying to figure out whether to encourage him to go home and stay with his parents for a little bit. On the one hand, it might be good for him to be back around that support network. On the other, his parents live out in the country and though they do not have firearms, firearms are easily accessible there.
  7. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Help - My sister's boyfriend is suicidal and she is at wits end and I don't know how to help her   

    Thanks. This is my gut as well. He is on meds. She says he is taking them but they aren't working. I think she should call his doctor but she has been resistant so far. Right now she is feeling responsible for him (UNFAIR but can't help it). She doesn't want to leave him alone.
  8. Mlle. Zabzie added a topic in General Chatter   

    Help - My sister's boyfriend is suicidal and she is at wits end and I don't know how to help her
    My sister has been with her boyfriend (let's call him Bob) for about 5 years. They have a 7 month old baby. Bob has always had issues with depression. (He also has been completely unable to hold down a job - right now he is staying home with the baby; my sister makes good enough money for now though there isn't a lot extra). He has been having medical issues (knee and back trouble) and won't go to a doctor. They had some kind of fight last night. My sister sent me a series of texts culminating with "I need to get out - think I should talk to a lawyer." We spoke briefly at the time and she said "let's talk tomorrow." I called her this morning and she was in tears. He is talking about how he wants to die, how everyone would be better if he died, etc. This is not the first time this has happened, but she says he seems much more serious about it this time. He's talking about trying to find a gun (we are in NYC, so this fortunately won't be easy; also, he has no money and no credit card and my sister won't give him any). She thinks she has talked him down "for now" but is still afraid to leave him alone. She needs to work (see prior comment). She has thought about calling his psychiatrist (he does have one), but is afraid he'll be institutionalized (but maybe that's for the best?) So here's what I'm hoping the Board, which has much wisdom, can help me with (I've never dealt with anything like this):

    1. In the immediate term, are there any reputable resources that I can point my sister to that can help her deal with the situation?

    2. In the short term, should I be concerned about her safety and the safety of my niece? Bob has in my presence never seemed violent, but since I think some of this was brought on by a conversation about splitting up, and he's been talking about guns, well, I've watched too many Lifetime Movies. My priorities are pretty clear her - my sister and niece's safety comes first in my mind, but I don't want to blow things out of proportion.

    3. In the short term, should she urge him to get intensive mental health and maybe commit himself, if nothing else for the sake of their daughter?

    4. In the medium term, she's been wanting out of the relationship for a while (in July we had a long heart to heart about it). Bob's not a bad guy per se, but my sister is under too much strain taking care of him (which can be a full time job), working, and taking care of the baby (when he has a depressive spell, he won't get out of bed, and she has to figure out childcare too). Any thoughts on how to help her navigate that?

    5. Finally, and this is just a nasty confession on my part, I'm just really ANGRY at Bob. I feel like he is manipulating my sister. I don't know how serious his suicide threats/semi-attempts are, but to the extent that it's manipulation to keep her in the relationship, I'm furious (recognizing it could be that plus other things). It's not fair because I know that depression is real (and I'm not minimizing it), but I want him to adult up and deal with the situation so that he doesn't hurt (mentally or otherwise) my sister and my niece.

    Anyhow, all thoughts and support welcome.
    • 20 replies
  9. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic US Politics - Why we can't have even mediocre things   

    Fez - the problem is that this was supposed to be Hillary's race. And now she's not looking so great, and well. . . But, on the other hand, at least on the Dem side there won't be the brutal politicking of a multi-candidate primary circus. I assume the Republican field will narrow sharply very soon, but in the meantime, that's kind of a side show too. All very fascinating.
  10. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Savings, Debt and Retirement   

    Hold on, hold on, on the self employed thing in the US, yes, you pay SECA, which is basically both the employer and the employee share. To make it more fair, though, you do get to deduct half of your SECA. It's not exactly the same, but it's not like it's a complete out of pocket.
  11. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Savings, Debt and Retirement   

    I would be better at saving if I weren't married (my husband is a spender - we have governors in place to deal with this).

    That said, I max out my retirement plans every year, have no student debt, and otherwise try to sock away a fair bit every year (this year is an exception (except for retirement plans - that is always maxed out) because we are renovating our apartment so I have panic attacks from time to time about the money being spent - husband is sanguine, unsurprisingly). We have a good cushion, including savings for our children's college education.

    My philosophy is that I'm not going to have a dime that I don't earn for myself in retirement. Given the longevity in my family, that could be a very long time. I don't want to be a financial burden on my children (having seen the emotional toll that aging parents can exact on their children even where money isn't an issue through my mother's experience with her parents, it's something I am focused on), and I would like to have a significantly higher standard of living than I could afford on state assistance (whatever that will be when I get there) alone.

    I look at my parents, who lived relatively modestly, and have saved a ton (my dad is still working well into his 70s, and my mother will retire shortly, but do something else). I don't have to worry about them (but would happily help them out if they need it - eventually it will be more mobility and medical type things than money things, I think, but who knows). I contrast them with my MIL, who never had a dollar but spent three. She has (separately from her spendthriftiness) totally alienated her children, and pretty much has nothing but state support, and complains bitterly about how nothing is fair and that she should be able to own a house and have nice things and really her children should give her money to buy things because, you know she needs it and is owed it (but isn't willing to take a job and otherwise, like I said, spends every dollar that comes in and then some). It's hard not to put some morality on it. There's a happy medium between spending and saving (I'm probably naturally too miserly; my husband too spendthrift - we balance).

    All of the above given, this assumes a level where saving is possible. Given the crushing load of student debt, rising costs and stagnant wages, "saving for retirement" is sort of hypothetical for some, even if they have a decent "headline" salary. So no morality there, but lots of questions about what happens when this generation is no longer working-age (whatever that is) and how it will be supported.
  12. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Kentucky Clerk refuses to issue same-sex marriage license   

    Actually, the "should private parties be able to contract marriage without state involvement" question is a good one (and marriage as a private contractual arrangement has a long history). At the end of the day, the state would be involved one way or another in the contract if it were ever disputes under the contract (wonder what "efficient breach" looks like in that world). But, given what marriage entails (it's very different than a long term supply arrangement) and the relative bargaining power, etc. between the parties and the messy issues that spring up (e.g., third party beneficiaries, like, I don't know, children), I don't see why the state doesn't have an interest in regulating these contracts (if for no other reason than to cut down on the burden on issues that might come before the judicial system). It also helps with due diligence requirements (eg, makes it easier to know whether bigamy is being committed, etc.). In some ways, you could view state "marriage" as the default contract (that can be modified, btw) that springs up between two people who wish to have the protections afforded by the state to married people, and I see no reason why that shouldn't be regulated in some manner by the state.
  13. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic NAZ WILL BE IN TOWN   

    With pizza as an inducement. . . if I can get out of the Hotel California (er, I mean my office), I will try to come.
  14. Mlle. Zabzie added a post in a topic Refugee Crisis   

    Papers reporting this morning that the UK basically shamed into taking more refugees.