Is Monogamy a failure as an idea?

[Lyanna Stark]

If it works for you, it works for you.

I'm not looking for anyone at all, personally.

Why not? Are you so disillusioned with true love? Or do you just believe that you've missed your opportunity at securing that one special Bella?

Oh Shite I must be doomed.

My parents and those of my Husbands are still on their frist marriage.

Yeah but no but yeah but no. That's not nearly enough. Three's where it's at.

Q.E.D on account of both myself and Ser Scot. *nods*

[Nerdanel the wise]

I've seen first hand the destruction that infidelity can cause so I can't condone it. If you're unhappy and can't commit then do your partner the favor and end it first.

I do agree that monogamy isn't for everyone, and in that case I think you should be honest and open and look for a partner with similar views.

I've been with my husband for 8 years and going strong. His parents have been together for over 30 years. My parents obviously couldn't handle monogamy and have had multiple marriages fail.

[MercenaryChef]

Crazy thing... Many things cause marriages and relationships to fail that are not a lack of monogamy.

[Rorshach]

Oh Shite I must be doomed.

My parents and those of my Husbands are still on their frist marriage.

I'm seemingly even more doomed (is that even possible).

My parents, my wife's parents, my grandparents (both sides, my mother's parents are now dead) and my wife's grandparents (both sides, her father's parents are now dead) are/were all on their first marriage.

Might as well give up already..

[smegma]

Crazy thing... Many things cause marriages and relationships to fail that are not a lack of monogamy.

I was just about to say this. Everyone blames infidelity or the desire to be with other people, but it's only one of the myriad of things that can go wrong in a relationship.

For me, I am definitely in the monogamy camp. While I certainly understand and have felt the desire to have sex with other partners, it's not worth it to me to trade what I have in the whole package for sex or for multiple romantic partners, so instead I channel that desire into making things within the partnership more exciting. Sure it's more effort, but the payoff is worth it and while there's certainly no guarantee that any relationship is going to work, for me monogamy gives me the greatest chance for being happy and connected with another person.

[Pebble thats Stubby]

I'm seemingly even more doomed (is that even possible).

My parents, my wife's parents, my grandparents (both sides, my mother's parents are now dead) and my wife's grandparents (both sides, her father's parents are now dead) are/were all on their first marriage.

Might as well give up already..

hmm since no3 is the key, maybe we should both divorce, marry each other then divorce again and re-marry our current partners. It might not help us, but at least our children should be able to find a life long partner and make it work.

[Rorshach]

hmm since no3 is the key, maybe we should both divorce, marry each other then divorce again and re-marry our current partners. It might not help us, but at least our children should be able to find a life long partner and make it work.

Well, I'll do anything for my children..

[Shryke]

Why not? Are you so disillusioned with true love? Or do you just believe that you've missed your opportunity at securing that one special Bella?

He's been hurt before and is covering up the pain with PUA jargon.

I think Ryan Reynolds already stared in this movie.

[Gwydden]

I thought this deserved its own topic. Obviously I disagree with Gwydden. I think that monogamy may not be for everyone but that doesn't mean it can't be for anyone.

Discuss.

Oh, well, I guess I kind of started this, so I might as well go through with it. It seems to me my position has been awfully misunderstood. Probably my fault.

Firstly, answering your question, the longest relationship I've been a part of has lasted more than 17 years. Unless you mean longest romantic relationship, in which case it amounts to a total of 0.000 years, give or take. I thought I had made it abundantly clear that my position was highly speculative and I didn't have any actual personal experience to support it, but maybe it wasn't so :unsure:

Secondly, I consider myself a "romantic" for what it's worth. If I wasn't, I doubt I would hold that position. Or that I would have devoted so much thought to it. Maybe I'm an odd romantic with weird ideas, maybe my idea of romance and love (a word so loaded with terminology I often prefer to avoid when referring to my personal life) is different from yours and most people. But I would still self identify as such. Semantics can be tricky at times.

What works for people is what works, but I think the poster you are quoting is confusing the feelings associated between love and infatuation. By doing so, he makes love....much smaller concept that in actually is.

What "love" means is highly subjective. I do prefer "infatuation". It is a much simpler term, with less loaded connotations. People are less lightly to overanalyze it or try to deflect your arguments with semantics.

Not that I have very much experience on either monogamy or polygamy but I think the first quote is a very sad mindset to be in. If that works for you then I suppose that's great. But enjoying the honeymoon period and then tossing the other person aside as soon as any effort needs to be put into the relationship is not love. Enjoy living like that if you want but don't call it love. Love is having the motivation to keep things exciting after the honeymoon period.

When did I say I wouldn't be willing to put effort into a relationship? I just said I likely wouldn't be willing to let it last for too long. I fail to see how the latter implies the former. It's not as if I believe my solution to my particular debacle is perfect either. Just less bad. I also never said monogamy is a "failure". Just that I doubt it would work for me. In fact, the point of my original post was that love means different things to different people, and that it is pretentious to expect everyone can or will or should conform to your particular idea of how a romantic life should be led.

Did anyone get the impressions I just want to be with as many women as possible? Because I don't care about numbers. Numbers are boring. Or that I was just looking for a quick roll in the potato patch, and would get into an intricate web of social complexes just to get it? Not a good plan. I'm a hedonist at heart, and I will do whatever I think will get me the most enjoyment out of life, true. But I think I would get the most enjoyment out of the whole package, emotional connection and human contact and excitement and all.

[north of the wall]

I am assuming the argument started because I said when someone finds love they will want to stop being promiscuious. Which too me makes sense with my experience.

Whay you think of as love is of course subjective and not everyone feels the same as me.

If you are against monogamy/marriage/THE ONE or whatever you want to call it then thats fine. The romantic and old fashionedness of me just hopes everyone can one day fine someone to grow old with. If that doesnt happen/don't want it to happen and are happy with your life the way it is then just ignore my opinion. What works for me wont work for everyone. :)

[Gwydden]

Since my position has been misinterpreted by many here, I think maybe I'd benefit from putting it in these terms: the way I see it, the approach I described is not so different from what people here have described as monogamy. I'm not saying I would go into a relationship thinking "Ok, I give this three months. It's not going to last a day more" but rather try to live the moment instead, argh, planning for the future and all that silly stuff.

And eventually, knowing myself as I do, I would feel the relationship is going stale and I would rather end it while is still enjoyable instead of ruining all the memories retroactively. I don't settle. I don't see why I should. I know that if at any point in a relationship I can remember it being better than it is at that particular moment, I will consider it's run its course.

[Starkess]

And eventually, knowing myself as I do, I would feel the relationship is going stale and I would rather end it while is still enjoyable instead of ruining all the memories retroactively. I don't settle. I don't see why I should. I know that if at any point in a relationship I can remember it being better than it is at that particular moment, I will consider it's run its course.

That assumes that the goodness of a relationship follows a simple curve. That is, you enter a relationship, enjoy it greatly, but then comes a particular moment when you realize it isn't as great so you assume it's all downhill from there and bail. Whereas in reality it's much more likely to be a complicated curve with lots of ups and downs. So maybe you're at a bad moment right now, but there are good moments to come. Good moments that could be even better than ones you've already had. If you don't think those good moments make the bad moments worth it, then yeah, I'd imagine longterm monogamy is not a good fit.

Of course you should do what makes you happiest (being honest with your partner(s) of course).

[Gwydden]

That assumes that the goodness of a relationship follows a simple curve. That is, you enter a relationship, enjoy it greatly, but then comes a particular moment when you realize it isn't as great so you assume it's all downhill from there and bail. Whereas in reality it's much more likely to be a complicated curve with lots of ups and downs. So maybe you're at a bad moment right now, but there are good moments to come. Good moments that could be even better than ones you've already had. If you don't think those good moments make the bad moments worth it, then yeah, I'd imagine longterm monogamy is not a good fit.

Of course you should do what makes you happiest (being honest with your partner(s) of course).

Oh, sure. But I can hardly make a significant aspect of my life remain constant for a large period of time. That would be boring, frustrating, pointless. I would start to wonder if I am not wasting my time. And that's not good for anyone.

[A wilding]

I would echo:

That assumes that the goodness of a relationship follows a simple curve. That is, you enter a relationship, enjoy it greatly, but then comes a particular moment when you realize it isn't as great so you assume it's all downhill from there and bail.

I think this comes from:

What "love" means is highly subjective. I do prefer "infatuation". It is a much simpler term, with less loaded connotations. People are less lightly to overanalyze it or try to deflect your arguments with semantics.

Infatuation, more or less by definition, is temporary. If you think that that is all here is, then of course you are going to think that no loving relationship can last.

[Prince Alexander]

He's been hurt before and is covering up the pain with PUA jargon.

See, inspector Shryke knows me much better than I do!

Why not? Are you so disillusioned with true love? Or do you just believe that you've missed your opportunity at securing that one special Bella?

I've answered this before: noone is perfect, any long term relationship will eventually lead to my disappointment. I much rather prefer to have a series of shorter term relationships.

I also enjoy the dating game in general. And I have an arbitrary goal number of sexual partners in mind.

I'm not looking for the one (although the child in me could allow the possibility of magically changing my opinion one day - who knows)

[Lyanna Stark]

See, inspector Shryke knows me much better than I do!

You make him sound like Inspector Gadget! Every time I read Shryke's posts from now on the Gadget theme song will play in my head.

I've answered this before: noone is perfect, any long term relationship will eventually lead to my disappointment.

Why is that? Are you afraid the perfect woman just isn't out there and if you settle your True Love will pass you by? Is it simply a fear of not having that sparkly charisma to catch your Bella?

I also enjoy the dating game in general. And I have an arbitrary goal number of sexual partners in mind.

So what's that goal number then? Is there a magic level and what happens when you reach that goal?

[Larry of the Lawn]

Go-go gadget abacus!

[sologdin]

if one gets enough experience points, one levels up and can take new coital feats, such as Extend Duration and Dirty Sanchez.

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

Sologdin,

And now I hear the "Scott Pilgrim" style video game voice declaring "Extended Duration achieved!!"

[Gillio]

So what's that goal number then? Is there a magic level and what happens when you reach that goal?

Is it to do with a song? this one perhaps?