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So what's Hell like?


Sci-2

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My favorite depiction of Hell was one I read by a local columnist in the Salt Lake Tribune years ago, back in the 1990s (I've never been able to find it online, but it's by Robert Kirby). Hell

1. Had the environment of Delta, Utah. Which is A)in the middle of nowhere, B)Rather desolate, the last time I went through, and C)the last home of the late Gary Coleman.

2. Only had two things on television: Barney and O.J. Simpson Trial re-runs.

3. Rocky V in the movie theaters.

I forget the rest.

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Hell is other people, my friend.

Satre needed better friends.

I really, really wish there were some examples of the Viz comic strip Danny's Inferno online. It features young Danny Alghieri and his portable gates of hell, through which the young japester would trick his enemies into venturing. I can only remember a few of the hells featured, but they were things like "being stuck at a bar where you can never get the barman's attention, while a loud insurance salesman regales you with tales of his haemerrhoid operation" or "having your mum show an eternal loop of your baby photos to Biggy Smalls and Ice Cube" (that one was for notorious wigga DJ Tim Westwood IIRC). :lol:

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Being stuck in a lift with Harriet Harmon, which has a looped Barry Manilow sound track an a TV only showing films starring Billy Zane. Also the end destination is a prostate examine carried out by Doctor with huge hands.

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Endlessly working in a call center for senior apparel and items. Having to take endless calls from seniors who can't hear you, don't know what they are ordering, don't know how to say their credit card numbers, and love to talk about their grandkids and how times have changed. You can't hang up on them and once one call ends, another immediately starts..no breaks and no paychecks.

"Customer Service" for all eternity.

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In hell, one must endure tortures beyond measure. Such as being forced to suckle from the sixteen leathern teats of Gophahmet, the Whore of Betrayl, until one bursts from an unwholesome engorgement of bile. Or being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by the thorn-cocked Gulburth the Rampant. Also common is to be roasted alive by the searing flatus that issues from the haunches of Asomday the Effervescent, or to be dunked upside-down and boiled alive in lard, while jackals gnaw at your feet, and Lord Grogar the Gonad Gnawer feeds you a risotto made of your entrails and butter churned from the semen of Beezlebub himself.

The whole hell as "absence from God" idea is just silly emo bullshit. Anyone who believes that, will be forced to endure in hell, the presence of an overly clingy stalkerish God who continually forces himself upon you, and in the truest repressed protestant-sense imaginable, forces you to endure depravities beyond imagining.

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My grandmother used to say Hell must be cold, because there is nothing worse than having to get up super early every morning to go out in the icy cold snow and clear the same paths you did yesterday and the day before.

Nah, that's not Hell, it's North Dakota :P

Actually, we don't have to go anywhere to experience things like Heaven or Hell or anything in between. They're right here before us, in this world. It all just depends on one's circumstances and perspective.

I think I saw Hell once, though. I saw what must have been Hell to another as I watched my grandfather slowly succumb to the ravages of Parkinson's disease. He slowly but inevitably became a prisoner trapped in his own body and there was nothing to be done for it. Why would we ever need Hell when we have things such as this and so much worse right here? Wait, don't answer that...

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