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Fragile Bird

The Gallows Humor Thread

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6 hours ago, Corvinus85 said:

It was 50/50 for me between choosing the laughing emoji or the sad emoji, so I went with the natural option 3.

This is so that when you're sitting on the toilet with phone in hand, the correct ads for bowel movement aid pop up right there and then.

Can the sensor be spoofed with Froot Loops? 

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Whatever you do, please never try Captain Crunch.

That shit can cut the roof of your mouth.

Who knows what it would do to the other end.

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7 hours ago, Corvinus85 said:

This is so that when you're sitting on the toilet with phone in hand, the correct ads for bowel movement aid pop up right there and then.

No shit!        :shocked:

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Daily Update :

There are no new entrants today. Instead we send a shout-out to the nations that have not yet joined the “Rona” Competition. In Africa we say hello to Cote d’Ivoire, Lesotho, and the island nation of Comoros. In Micronesia we give a big shout out to the islands of Kiribati, Marshall Islands, Nauru and Palau. In Polynesia we say aloha to Samoa, Tonga and Tuvalu. In Melanesia and we acknowledge Vanuatu and the Solomon Islands. From the Middle East we are yet to hear from Yemen. We have a couple of “stans” yet to get involved in Tajikistan and Turkmenistan. And from the region of “you lying bastards” we wave to North Korea, from a distance, but not in a way that might cause offence, but it probably did anyway.

There are no new members of the “Over 100” club today.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Moldova. Carrying a perfectly reasonable 9% momentum the Eastern European country is the 62nd member of the club. Checking the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and they are pretty much on par with 22 losses to date.

Plenty going on up the top of the leaderboard today. France has put the foot down and taken 4th spot from Germany. They recorded a big 11% increase and added 11059 new cases. It takes them into 6 figures. Unfortunately they have overcooked it somewhat and have recorded their greatest number of losses in the 24 hour period. We note that Spain now have 0.3% of their population participating.

We continue to keep a close eye on the nations scrambling to get into the top 10, and Belgium (7%) have fallen an agonising 59 cases short of Switzerland (3%). Perhaps tomorrow.

We need to spend some time with the USA today. They have just cracked 400,000 total cases. They recorded 1970 losses in the past 24 hours, surpassing their previous record of 1330. New York alone would now be 1st, as it now has more cases than 2nd placed Spain. New Jersey would sit in 9th, Michigan 13th. They have another 10 states with more cases then Australia, including Georgia who carries 25% momentum. If Georgia were a country, they would have won the “Most Non-Improved” award today… easily. The state with the least number of cases is Alaska with 213, which would have it 108th in the world. The USA carry 9% momentum.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Russia. They have managed to add 1154 new cases in the past 24 hours to reach a total of 7497 cases. That’s 18% momentum, and a hefty number when sitting 20th on the leaderboard. They have reasonable top 10 aspirations. Brazil also worth mentioning today as they carried 15% momentum and overtake Austria for 14th spot.

Australia continues its slide down to 22nd today. We record a paltry 1.6% increase today. It was Norway that managed to take 21st spot from us, and I note that they already have dates for relaxing some of their containment measures. We do not appear to be competitive with our current measures, and it is unsurprising some wish to relax them. Our number that matters is now at 49.

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2 hours ago, LongRider said:

No shit!        :shocked:

Yes, shit, and plenty of it, in all forms and sizes. :P

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13 hours ago, A True Kaniggit said:

Whatever you do, please never try Captain Crunch.

That shit can cut the roof of your mouth.

Who knows what it would do to the other end.

13 hours and not a single pun made of this? 

For shame westeros, for shame

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Daily Update :

There are no new entrants today.

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Djibouti. The African nation delivered a very strong 50% increase in cases and now sits in 122nd position.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Belarus. With a 24% increase they move up to 63rd position. A check of the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️ and they are well under with only 13 no-longer-participants to date. We flagged Belarus 4 days ago as being close to “Most Non-Improved” award with their leaders demonstrating the sort of attitude that will take you a long way in this competition. They sat in 81st place at that stage. Since then they have recorded increases of 28%, 25%, 23% and today the 24%. Most countries aren’t getting near those numbers because “learnings”. Not this nation. Worth noting though that their testing appears strong, with 42 tests completed per case identified. Still, one to continue to watch.

At the top of the leaderboard, and what is this! Germany (5%) say “no you don’t” and pull back in front of France (4%) to reclaim 4th spot. Spectacular move. I did not see that coming. The UK are making claims to being the European nation with the strongest form at present. They have been stuck in 8th place since late March, but are closing on Iran and China ahead of them. Unfortunately their increased effort has come at the loss of 938 participants in the last 24 hours, which is the 2nd highest behind USA.

It is with great fanfare we welcome back into the top 10 the nation of Belgium. Switzerland made a brave effort to hold them off, posting their biggest increase in cases since 2nd April. However it was insufficient, and Belgium reclaim 10th spot having lost it to Turkey on the 1st April. I suspect they plan to be a part of the top 10 for much longer than the 1 day they managed last time.

The winner of the “Most Non-Improved” award today is Peru. They won this award 3 days ago when they were sitting in 39th, and they have been even more dominant with their win today now sitting in 32nd. They have managed to add 1388 new cases in the past 24 hours to reach a total of 4342 cases. That’s a staggering 47% momentum. They are currently the 4th placed South American nation. However they are currently outperforming both Ecuador (11%) and Chile (8%) above them, with Brazil (15%) likely out of their league.

I thank @thedjr for drawing my attention to San Marino who have now lost 0.1% of their population to this virus. That is 1 in every 1000 people. I don’t know how many kids you had at your high school, but for me who had just over 1000. If that high school had San Marinos numbers I’d know 9 kids with the virus, and 1 who had lost the fight against it. In respect to this number, New York now has higher deaths per population than Spain or Italy.

Australia continues the slide into irrelevance. We record a 1.1% increase, and watch Ireland perform a spectacular solo on the wing and jig past us. We do however maintain 22nd spot as Norway must have had a public holiday and decided to conduct zero tests, and therefore recorded zero positives. Our number that matters is now at 50.

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1 hour ago, ants said:

Joining the “Over 100” club today is Djibouti.

Damn right, I booty! (Well.... I would. But my wife keeps saying "no")

 

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