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The Gallows Humor Thread

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24 minutes ago, DMC said:

I've never been good at writing out how you pronounce things - really I'm embarrassingly stupid at that.  I pronounce twat like it rhymes with got, or dot, or bot, or lot.  Hope that's clear.  Obviously, that doesn't rhyme with bat.

How the hell do you rhyme twat with got :lol:

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8 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

How the hell do you rhyme twat with got :lol:

I dunno but that's how I've always pronounced it.  And based on experience I'm certainly not alone among many of us heathen Americans.  Laugh all you want you, we still opened a can of whoop-ass on you at Yorktown!

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10 minutes ago, DMC said:

I dunno but that's how I've always pronounced it.  And based on experience I'm certainly not alone among many of us heathen Americans.  Laugh all you want you, we still opened a can of whoop-ass on you at Yorktown!

Selena in Veep used to make it sound like twot. Which I just thought was a way of saying twat while not saying twat. 

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Posted (edited)

I didn’t even know Americans said “twat”. Does this count as cultural appropriation?

 

”Twot” sounds like something an upper class fellow would say in a misguided attempt to fit in with the guys in the pub.

Edited by Stannis Eats No Peaches

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1 hour ago, Stannis Eats No Peaches said:

I didn’t even know Americans said “twat”. Does this count as cultural appropriation?

Yes, the US has a horrid history of culturally appropriating from the English.  Why?  Who can say?

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It’s like how they pronounce Anna (Awna) in Frozen. Drives me insane. Damn yanks.

You guys do make delightful animated motion pictures though, so it evens out.

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https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/mar/30/astrophysicist-gets-magnets-stuck-up-nose-while-inventing-coronavirus-device?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

This story is filled with too many delightful details to post all of them. So I'll just share the title and my favorite one:

Quote

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device

Quote

 

“After struggling for 20 minutes, I decided to Google the problem and found an article about an 11-year-old boy who had the same problem. The solution in that was more magnets. To put on the outside to offset the pull from the ones inside.

“As I was pulling downwards to try and remove the magnets, they clipped on to each other and I lost my grip. And those two magnets ended up in my left nostril while the other one was in my right. At this point I ran out of magnets.”

 

 

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17 hours ago, Stannis Eats No Peaches said:

I didn’t even know Americans said “twat”. Does this count as cultural appropriation?

 

”Twot” sounds like something an upper class fellow would say in a misguided attempt to fit in with the guys in the pub.

Twat has been a term for "women's genitals" in the English language since at least the 1650s, so at least 120 years BEFORE the U.S. ceased to be a British colony. 

"Clunge" is the recently created British term with the same meaning which hasn't caught on in the USA yet. But with the Internet and the international nature of the London-New York-Hollywood entertainment industry, we'll probably be getting it over here soon.

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5 hours ago, Ormond said:

 

"Clunge" is the recently created British term with the same meaning which hasn't caught on in the USA yet. But with the Internet and the international nature of the London-New York-Hollywood entertainment industry, we'll probably be getting it over here soon.

Jay of the Inbetweeners is an important cultural ambassador in that regard. 

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9 minutes ago, Iskaral Pust said:

Jay of the Inbetweeners is an important cultural ambassador in that regard. 

Jay went to the doctors 3 years ago with covid 19 symptoms, doctor said his dick was so big he was immune.

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Posted (edited)

Been a bit lax copying these across as I stayed off line for a few days.  Spending too much time reading on COVID19... . Sunday's (AEDT) below. 

Daily Update :

There are no new additions to the leaderboard today. 199 countries and territories are on the leaderboard at present. That is about 7 less than competed in the 2016 Rio Olympics and about 199 more than will compete in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

Entering the “Over 100” club include Mauritius, Guadeloupe and Uzbekistan. The most impressive entrant though was Cuba with a 49% increase in cases in the past 24 hours. You will note, still no Cambodia. The nervous nineties for them, still on 99.

Joining the “Millennial” club are Greece carrying 11% momentum, and the Philippines with 34% momentum. While the Philippines may never become a significant player in the overall standings, they have good form with no-longer-participants that would see them in 19th spot. Indonesia is another country who are performing a similar way.

To the top of the leaderboard and we have a new entrant into the Top 10. It is the Netherlands that has pushed S Korea out. A 13% increase sufficient to finally achieve that goal. We shall let them have the accolades today, though Belgium (25%) and perhaps Turkey (30%) are coming with a rush to argue the point.

The USA though is outpacing the competition. It is very difficult to see where a competitor will arise from. I thought it might be worth providing some idea of the level of commitment this country is devoting. All 50 states are participating. More than that, each state is actively participating adding cases in the past 24 hours. The least number of cases in total is South Dakota with 68 cases. That is more than 85 nations in the main competition. At the top end and New York is doing the heavy lifting with 53393 cases, which (if we remove the USA) would have it in 5th place overall behind only the big guns in Italy, Spain, Germany and the flagging China. New Jersey 9th, California 15th, with Florida, Massachusetts, Washington and Michigan all carrying more total cases than Australia. They are now 31000 cases in front of anyone else, and climbing.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan. An impressive 52% increase in cases today saw their 150 cases turn into 228 cases overnight.

In Australia, and we can only stump up a 8% increase today. We maintain 19th, and hold our breath for a week to see what the results of the Queensland election are.

Edited by ants

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Mondays:

Daily Update :

There are no new additions to the leaderboard today. We might have to reassess our recruitment criteria. In addition, we have one nation that has previously participated, but now has no active cases. We shall need to make contact with St Vincent and the Grenadines, and perform an exit interview.

Entering the “Over 100” club include Channel Islands (11%), Nigeria (14%) and Honduras (16%). Finally Cambodia have hit the boundary and add 4 cases to reach 103 in total. Storming into the club are Cameroon who have added 48 cases overnight for a 53% increase.

Joining the “Millennial” club are India with a very small 4% increase, and Iceland with a slightly larger 6% increase.

To the top of the leaderboard and there has been no change overnight. The countries with the greatest momentum out of this group are USA carrying 15% momentum, the UK 14% and Netherlands 11%. The rest of the top 10 remain under 10%. Spain is experiencing the greatest loss of experience, sadly with a further 821 no-longer-participants overnight, and is expected to make its way into the main competitions medals tomorrow at the expense of China. Belgium (18%) fell 30 cases short of taking the 10th place off the Netherlands. The USA is now 44000 cases in front of 2nd place.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the Philippines. Everything was pretty quiet overnight, and so a 32% increase taking their total to 1418 cases was sufficient to take home the award. They now hold 34th spot. Turkey presented strongly again with a 24% increase, as did Romania with 25%.

Also of note that Qatar has now been eliminated from the Domino competition. The lead would have fallen to New Zealand, but they also stumbled. The leader is now Latvia with 347 cases, no losses.

In Australia, and we have registered a disappointing 14% today. This is above our previous two days efforts. We slide down to 20th position as Israel posts a 17% increase to move past us. We haven’t heard much from Israel, but they always seem to be in the background of world events somehow or other.

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Tuesday's:

With much fanfare we welcome Botswana to the leaderboard today. They are the 200th nation on the leaderboard. It has been a couple of days since a nation last joined, so we are very pleased that our new recruitment drive has worked.

The Republic of Belarus has joined the “Over 100” club today with a very impressive 62% increase in cases taking their total up to 152. This catapults them into the top 100 nations. Also Georgia have crept in with a 13% increase bringing their total to 103.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Panama with a 9% increase, taking their total cases up to 1039. It is the first of the Central American countries to gain entry to the club, with Costa Rica its closest rival on 330 cases. It also beat Mexico into the club, a clear indicator that this virus travels by cruise ship much more readily than it does by road. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and their 27 no-longer-participants indicates that there has been some under-testing. As such, there is an easy improvement in performance for them that could see them move strongly up the chart.

To the top of the leaderboard and China are off the podium. Spain, demonstrating serious commitment, have put together a 10% increase and now hold the bronze coffin position. They are eyeing off Italy in 2nd, who have somewhat slowed and only produced a 4% increase yesterday. However Spain are pushing very hard to achieve these targets, losing 913 participants overnight. This falls just 6 short of Italy's record of 919.

Still at the top of the leaderboard, and the Netherlands lose their newly acquired 10th spot as Belgium stump up a 10% increase to dislodge them. These two neighbouring countries have been in a great tussle. However, they both need to keep an eye out for Turkey, who have managed a 17% increase overnight and are now just 1072 cases short of 10th position.

The USA have added over 20000 new cases overnight. A 14% increase which sees them 62000 cases clear of 2nd place. New York alone is every chance of recording a higher number of total cases than China in 3 days time. While they have the 2nd lowest disposal efficiency inside the top 10, having lost 3156 participants in the course of achieving their 163844 total cases for a 1.9% disposal efficiency (only Germany is better), it does still appear as if they have gone too hard at allowing this virus to spread. The wave is coming.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the India. A 22% increase in cases is sufficient to give the Millennium club member the award today. There were plenty of contenders, however the level of momentum given their 40th position on the leaderboard warranted the nod. Certainly a potential sleeping giant, although their results have seemed quite subdued to date.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase today. We move back up to 19th position as Norway slides down from 17th position yesterday.

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5 minutes ago, ants said:

Tuesday's:

With much fanfare we welcome Botswana to the leaderboard today. They are the 200th nation on the leaderboard. It has been a couple of days since a nation last joined, so we are very pleased that our new recruitment drive has worked.

The Republic of Belarus has joined the “Over 100” club today with a very impressive 62% increase in cases taking their total up to 152. This catapults them into the top 100 nations. Also Georgia have crept in with a 13% increase bringing their total to 103.

Joining the “Millennial” club today is the Republic of Panama with a 9% increase, taking their total cases up to 1039. It is the first of the Central American countries to gain entry to the club, with Costa Rica its closest rival on 330 cases. It also beat Mexico into the club, a clear indicator that this virus travels by cruise ship much more readily than it does by road. Checking performance against the STREWTH 20/1000 INDEX™️, and their 27 no-longer-participants indicates that there has been some under-testing. As such, there is an easy improvement in performance for them that could see them move strongly up the chart.

To the top of the leaderboard and China are off the podium. Spain, demonstrating serious commitment, have put together a 10% increase and now hold the bronze coffin position. They are eyeing off Italy in 2nd, who have somewhat slowed and only produced a 4% increase yesterday. However Spain are pushing very hard to achieve these targets, losing 913 participants overnight. This falls just 6 short of Italy's record of 919.

Still at the top of the leaderboard, and the Netherlands lose their newly acquired 10th spot as Belgium stump up a 10% increase to dislodge them. These two neighbouring countries have been in a great tussle. However, they both need to keep an eye out for Turkey, who have managed a 17% increase overnight and are now just 1072 cases short of 10th position.

The USA have added over 20000 new cases overnight. A 14% increase which sees them 62000 cases clear of 2nd place. New York alone is every chance of recording a higher number of total cases than China in 3 days time. While they have the 2nd lowest disposal efficiency inside the top 10, having lost 3156 participants in the course of achieving their 163844 total cases for a 1.9% disposal efficiency (only Germany is better), it does still appear as if they have gone too hard at allowing this virus to spread. The wave is coming.

The “Most Non-Improved” award today goes to the India. A 22% increase in cases is sufficient to give the Millennium club member the award today. There were plenty of contenders, however the level of momentum given their 40th position on the leaderboard warranted the nod. Certainly a potential sleeping giant, although their results have seemed quite subdued to date.

In Australia, and we have registered a 7% increase today. We move back up to 19th position as Norway slides down from 17th position yesterday.

Did i sleep away a whole day again?

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35 minutes ago, ants said:

Tuesday's:

<snip> the leaderboard <snip>

I've found myself, more often than not, checking the worldometers site 'leaderboard' like some macabre Olympic Games Medal Tally. In an Olympic Games year sans an Olympic Games, this is one table I'd be happy to be counted as an also ran (asymptomatic), than to get Bronze (mild symptoms), Silver (hospilization) or Gold (death).

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Did i sleep away a whole day again?

I'm in Australia remember! They're coming out about mid-day/early afternoon in Australia, and we're about 10 hours ahead of Europe and 16-18 hours ahead of the USA.  

Edited by ants

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His next challenge: ice surfaces.
Must be nice to see snow up close (only ever get to see it from a distance here in Canberra)

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More pick-up lines:

If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead!

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Hey babe...can I ship you a drink?

I really can't stay.

Baby, it's Covid-19 out there!

And my favorite:

I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.

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And stolen from memes:

Suddenly the whole nation is depending on the very people they don't believe should make $15 an hour.

And.

Not to brag, but what a time to be childless!

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