Mental Wellbeing 3 - Can we fix it?

[DMC]

@drawkcabi - you are awesome, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Posting here is breaking my very deserved rules and limitations, but it's worth it.  I need to share with somebody, and I've appreciated this being a place to do so.  In other words, this will be a one time thing.

A friend of mine killed himself a little over a year ago.  Around November 2022.  Worst thing for me is, I had no idea until another friend directed me towards facebook earlier today.  

I've lived pretty much my entire adult life moving around from one city to another.  And that leads to losing touch with those you hang out with within each stop.

Anyway, me and this guy were like two peas in a pod for a while.  He was the only guy that could match my drinking cuz he was 6'5", when we were still getting wasted at 7 to 8 AM.  He was also a Lions fan and we'd just watch Barry Sanders clips.  These were great times for me, but also almost certainly part and parcel why his wife divorced him..

After I went to Pitt, I also eventually lost contact.  I think I might have mentioned his dog on here - a pitbull named Roxy - when she died he was pretty broken up.  

In conclusion, I suck.  The person I'm referring to was 43.  Only 43 fucking years old.  And could still kick the shit out of all you.  But he never would because he had a heart of gold, much more than me at least.

Then something happened, and was happening, and I wasn't there.  Jesus...why couldn't I have been there?  Don't be like me.  If you think friends are in trouble - even if you haven't talked to them in years - talk to them.  Just say hey.  Please.  Sometimes that all it takes.

[LongRider]

Reports of suicide always make me cry.  So sad for your loss @DMC.       

[Zorral]

@DMC

I'm so sorry.  We all need to take it to our hearts -- it's never too soon to reach out to those who matter to us, ever.  One doesn't need a reason -- just to say hey!  Or even to be all soft-hearted and so on and so forth, to say "Hey, just want to say how glad I am you are in my / our life / lives.

[HexMachina]

On 1/25/2024 at 8:27 PM, Madame deVenoge said:

I woke up this morning with an intense flash of pain across my jaw. Like a lightning bolt, on the right side, with one branch of the lightning cutting across my cheekbone and the other branching down the jawbone. It only lasted a second, but then it happened again. And again. I took a muscle relaxer and tried to get some sleep, which I did. Then, it happened again while I was on the phone.

I called my TMJ doctor. 

And of course, I checked with Dr Google, who was pretty clear that being a female of a certain age with the above symptoms might be representative trigeminal neuralgia. 
 

I shall keep y’all posted.

This is perhaps too obvious but its not dental issues is it? I've had dental problems and the shooting pains all over your face are debilitating at times

[Tears of Lys]

On 1/21/2024 at 1:34 PM, drawkcabi said:

Been off my meds since the end of last summer, the beginning of last summer I was dropped by my mental health because they couldn't come to my house anymore. 

I have to go out now if I want mental health.

I am mentally not able to leave my house. 

I'm spiraling down fast. Only 2 things keeping me from ending it all.

Temporary situation seems pretty permanent to me, requiring a permanent solution then...

I've been wondering about you, Drawk.  Hadn't seen you post for a while (or maybe I'm not frequenting the right threads.)  

I know your living conditions weren't the best for ANYONE'S mental health.  Just know that there are people out there who are thinking about you and wishing you the best.  Count me among them.   

[drawkcabi]

3 hours ago, Tears of Lys said:

I've been wondering about you, Drawk.  Hadn't seen you post for a while (or maybe I'm not frequenting the right threads.)  

I know your living conditions weren't the best for ANYONE'S mental health.  Just know that there are people out there who are thinking about you and wishing you the best.  Count me among them.   

 

3 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

Echoing ToL, here, in that we are hoping the best for you - and I haven’t kept up with what’s been going on, other than that I know you have had a struggle (justifiably so) for a bit.

Is there literally anything that any of us can do that would help? Like anything. If you said, “it would be meaningful for someone to come by and re-watch Game of Thrones on a weekend” that’s do-able.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, sincerely.

Be honest or have some self respect? 

What the heck, you know what they say about honesty.

Between 2018 - 2021 I've lost my father, my mother, a sister I don't even remember, and my dog. And I'm not even a country singer. 

I live in a house run down to hell, where there's a chance I could fall through the floor at any given moment. 

My body hurts so bad when I move around, my knees on the verge of collapsing any time at all I'm standing on my own feet. If I fall, I can't get myself up without calling 911. I can't keep my house clean, it's an embarrassment. Every time I turn my head something else needs repairing around here. 

My stomach hurts all the time, I can't weigh myself but I know I'm losing weight...and yet I'm still a gross fat loser. I've not gone anywhere since December 2022.

But I still have my one dog who keeps me from being completely alone. 

She's 6 now. As long as I have her I'll stick around.

I still have things better than so many other people in this world, I remind myself that every day. But there's pain I'm dealing with and I guess I've just never been a strong enough type of person.

I own the responsibility for everything that's wrong in my life. Many people in my situation could turn things around. I'm responsible for myself. If I can't deal with that, I own the responsibility for whatever the outcome with that too.

[Sw33t Summ3r Ch1ld]

I'm letting go of the phone except when there are real calls. I have three contacts plus my doctor offices. I may not ever regret this since this is the way I do want to head naturally. Can't believe I am lighting up my dream. Quitting online shopping is another thing. And the last thing is quitting social media. I deeply desire to be done with these and those sites. When all is said and done, I'm going to be very happy with myself. 

[BigFatCoward]

On 1/31/2024 at 7:08 AM, drawkcabi said:

 

Between 2018 - 2021 I've lost my father, my mother, a sister I don't even remember, and my dog. And I'm not even a country singer. 

 

I'm not going to pretend to understand what you are going through, but if you can still see humour in even the bleakest of situations, you haven't totally lost.  

[Poobah]

I'm trying to keep a focus on the progress I've made but fuck does it ever feel like the more work I do the more work there is to do and it's all so exhausting, but I'm terrified of taking too much time to recharge because I know that if I ever stop pushing myself by stupid boulder self is going to roll all the way back down the hill like always. In particular recently as I've begun pushing myself out the door and into social situations more and more regularly I'm confronted by loneliness, and both the fear and reality of missing out a lot more. It's so much easier to convince myself that I'm ok with where I'm at - with being single and lonely, with having to manage mental (and the past few years physical) health issues, with still working on figuring out aspects of my own identity - and concentrate on my own personal positive trajectory when I'm not surrounded by all these confident, gregarious, socially successful people and their myriad relationships - both romantic and platonic - their busy interesting lives, progressing careers, and life milestones. I know by many metrics that at 34 I am still young and I have made enough progress to be able to acknowledge that I am making progress and doing somewhat, but these glimpses of life (and people so much better at it than me) fill me with grief for all the years, experiences, opportunities, that I've missed, and a dread that this is all I get.

[Toth]

On 2/2/2024 at 1:08 AM, Poobah said:

I'm trying to keep a focus on the progress I've made but fuck does it ever feel like the more work I do the more work there is to do and it's all so exhausting, but I'm terrified of taking too much time to recharge because I know that if I ever stop pushing myself by stupid boulder self is going to roll all the way back down the hill like always. In particular recently as I've begun pushing myself out the door and into social situations more and more regularly I'm confronted by loneliness, and both the fear and reality of missing out a lot more.

I'm crossing my fingers, keep the fight up and I hope eventually you'll notice that your normal will have changed, even if the path towards it may look pretzel! That's... unfortunately kind of normal for this kind of endeavor. And you are not alone. Aside the media highlighting a loneliness epidemic, I've also ran into mentions of guys expressing the exact same struggle on other forums and am myself in this situation as well. That you are encountering people who seemingly have no issue with loneliness must be because we tend to not go outside all that much after all. Also part of me wonders whether it's just especially bad this time of the year when the days are short, cold and dark.

I myself have... admittedly cut most contact with my closest online contacts (from here...) because in my failure to help them in troubling times I've made them angry at me more often than not. Even though I didn't feel like I could bring up things happening to me in quite some years, particularly good things, for fear of making them feel bad. And yet I now feel more than ever that there are often moments where I have things I would like to share with someone, but... just have nobody to do so with. I guess I'm not completely alone, I obviously still have my mother and I'm her outlet for everything, so she regularly just rambles at me about stuff, but I barely answer because of my pent up resentment and don't trust her to say anything that is on my mind.

Last week I tried to push my boundaries again. I never had any real life friends, at all, and I feel it increasingly hard to believe that it is even possible to trust another person you see face to face... or for any person to give any sort of shit about you and not forget your existence the moment you leave the room. So... because I have heard that it's supposed to be a good tool, I've signed up on meet-up and looked for interesting things happening. I've found a language exchange meet-up. Months ago. I was quite struggling about whether I should go there, thinking it would be an odd look to have nothing to gain from it. Since I'm thinking my English is good enough, while my French or Japanese are too bad to hold any conversations in it. In the end I finally gave it a try... waited four hours at school for it to happen... go to the locale at a pub, enter, and... see that only two tables are occupied with three people near the entrance and four people at the back. I... I had absolutely no idea where and how to ask which group is the language exchange group, if at all. So I just stood there in increasing panic. Until I fled outside and walked up and down the road. Then another group of people came and went in. I was weighing whether to follow them, eventually I did. By that time they had already seated themselves next to people in the back. I still had no clue whether it was correct to go to them. So instead I walked to the bar. The bartender stood there leaning against the wall, staring straight ahead, never even glancing at me. So... I stood there, again. Until I stepped back again, looked around for a while and in the end fled entirely, this time back home.

Since then I am absurdly exhausted and irritable and had a near break-down in curses and self-flagellation when I accidentally dropped a glass of honey at the checkout of a supermarket. All the despair about my inability to "be social" just came rushing in to the point feeling a burning in my chest. Heck, the whole situation came with announcement. Just the day before we had some kind of training thingy at my school and the outside consultants started with a warm-up bingo of statements like "Has as many siblings as I do" or "Was in country I was never in" where you were supposed to go around and ask your colleagues these as questions until you got a bingo of names. I was the only one who ended the game with an empty sheet. I would walk up to colleagues, they would then ask me a question, I would answer them and then... they would walk away and ask the next person before I could ask a question myself. I had this happen three or four times before I gave up and just sat back down scrolling through my phone.

Heck, the only "successful" change I did was become more active in a fanfiction discord. Because at the end all I can do is talk digitally or professionally to people, but never socially. At least searching for a Discord for a niche you like is something I recommend anyone if there really are no alternatives.

Edited February 4 by Toth

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Sometimes I'm too lucky to have my two step-brothers. I called the one up who I trust just about more than anyone else in the world and ended up crying my eyes out as he gave me advice for an hour plus tonight. It's incredible how much conversations like the one we had can help lift your spirits. 

Edited February 11 by Mr. Chatywin et al.

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

It's easy to sit in sorrow when it's all you feel. *Snaps fingers*. Tomorrow is when I finally come back from the dead. 

[Toth]

13 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I’m still caught up on you self-flagellating on the English Language meet up. DUDE. Your English is FAR BETTER than many native speakers, many of whom I castigate on at least a monthly basis for potentially failing The Public. 

Uhm... okay, that's embarrassing then, because I actually wanted to get across that my English is too good to go to a language meetup to speak it. After all, I handle all my media consumption, communication and writing in English. And therefore expect odd looks why a native would go there, particularly if my French and my Japanese are too bad to actually have any kind of conversation in them. I'm thinking it would look pathetic to be there just to get to know people... And I assume the barkeeper was German because him just completely ignoring my existence when I approached him simply encapsulates German service quality. That was the main reason I bounced off and couldn't get a word out. Well, that and my pent up anxiety.

And my Japanese after five years of learning still being so rudimentary is a shame, actually. Last week there was supposed to be another meetup there (obviously, since it's a weekly thing) and a Japanese dude had signed up to it. Unfortunately it got cancelled. But then again, I've spent the last four days with heavy headaches due to shoulder tensions I probably caused myself by being so insanely stressed the whole week. And the week was free because of winter holiday! So I maybe dodged a bullet.

I still forced myself to go to a walk around the neighborhood with my party. The tour was extremely good and I didn't know that just two blocks away there was a huge swamp with beavers and stuff... Unfortunately I still failed with the social part and couldn't get to network at all. In some part because I did not know how, but mostly because my headache was just destroying be, despite feeding on nuts and a pouch of Ibuprofen the whole time. It didn't do anything... Initially I thought to afterwards go to a board game event at a hobby shop that I found on meetup, but I simply couldn't. Unfortunately I made the mistake to tell my mother of it and that I maybe go next month. She asked me where it is and then went on a rant about how dangerous the neighborhood is and then offered a plethora of alternatives I should do that don't involve going to unknown places, much to my annoyance.

I also signed up for an (online) pen & paper game. With the first one yesterday. That one I went through, even though I... couldn't make myself roleplay much because I joined the game in the middle of a firefight and got my character nearly killed right away.

Still need to figure out a way to actually go through with a meet-up thing to train more...

[Derfel Cadarn]

Toth, considered getting a dog?

They’re excellent for socialising - since getting Penny I’ve found myself talking to neighbours I’d barely said hello to, not to mention fellow dog walkers in the park.

And it’s mostly just talking about the dogs, so little need to think of topics

[Toth]

2 hours ago, Derfel Cadarn said:

Toth, considered getting a dog?

They’re excellent for socialising - since getting Penny I’ve found myself talking to neighbours I’d barely said hello to, not to mention fellow dog walkers in the park.

And it’s mostly just talking about the dogs, so little need to think of topics

Sorry, not a dog person at all. Also I don't have the space, my mother hates dogs and given my time constraints, I'm already guilty enough about giving my cat as little attention as I do.

Not to mention that I am extremely against talking with any of my neighbors here. The less they know who I am the better.

[Tears of Lys]

That's a real pity you won't get a dog.  They are the #1 best conversation starters known to wo/man.  

It is known.  

[drawkcabi]

I'm being bullied by a neighbor. 

They started by actually being nice and doing things for me, I. Ever asked, they volunteered. Then it went to gaslignting me, blaming me for why they have to get so harsh, telling me my mental issues are no excuse for my problems. It quickly came to a point where I just wouldn't acknowledge having problems, I was always "Fine." "Doing good." Around them.

Then it came to them looking for me to have a problem and then interjecting themselves, seeing another chance to berate me, tell me how unworthy I am, how my mental issues are no excuse for anything. 

It's gotten to the point where I can't ask someone else to help me with things like bringing in groceries, if they see it, (and they seem to always be looking) they are going to come over and give me an earful. 

I walk on eggshells around this person and they are accusing me of getting triggered when they go off on a rant criticizing me.

I stay calm in front of them the whole time.

I save my breakdowns for after they leave, when I am alone.

 

 

[kissdbyfire]

20 minutes ago, drawkcabi said:

I'm being bullied by a neighbor. 

They started by actually being nice and doing things for me, I. Ever asked, they volunteered. Then it went to gaslignting me, blaming me for why they have to get so harsh, telling me my mental issues are no excuse for my problems. It quickly came to a point where I just wouldn't acknowledge having problems, I was always "Fine." "Doing good." Around them.

Then it came to them looking for me to have a problem and then interjecting themselves, seeing another chance to berate me, tell me how unworthy I am, how my mental issues are no excuse for anything. 

It's gotten to the point where I can't ask someone else to help me with things like bringing in groceries, if they see it, (and they seem to always be looking) they are going to come over and give me an earful. 

I walk on eggshells around this person and they are accusing me of getting triggered when they go off on a rant criticizing me.

I stay calm in front of them the whole time.

I save my breakdowns for after they leave, when I am alone.

 

 

This sounds absolutely horrific, I’m sorry you’re going through it. Is there a super or someone else you could talk to?

[drawkcabi]

47 minutes ago, kissdbyfire said:

This sounds absolutely horrific, I’m sorry you’re going through it. Is there a super or someone else you could talk to?

I don't think so?

Being an introvert plus my mental health right now has me seriously avoiding an interactions and doubting myself that I have a right complain. 

Plus, I'd take the abuse as it is 100% over risking an escalating feud. I really couldn't handle that right now.

[kissdbyfire]

21 minutes ago, drawkcabi said:

I don't think so?

Being an introvert plus my mental health right now has me seriously avoiding an interactions and doubting myself that I have a right complain. 

Plus, I'd take the abuse as it is 100% over risking an escalating feud. I really couldn't handle that right now.

Yeah, I understand what you’re saying, an escalation would make a terrible situation even worse.