Dating Thread: Hope Springs Eternal

[Toth]

Okay, fuck. Not sure it really belongs here, but... I guess for her situation it kinda fits, because I'm not sure whether I'm expecting too much from a person on an outing with their boyfriend/husband or whether this is another example of my inability to normally socialize or even whether this is after all this time still a person affected by my old status as untouchable pariah that made her uneasy for knowing me.

So I was just at an Anime convention and early on saw a girl I went to school with and I haven't seen in 11 years. Okay, as it's just us, I can be honest and say it was my first and only small crush back in high school that I think I mentioned before, the one I swallowed down hard and forgot about because she already had a boyfriend and there was no point making myself miserable. It's a bit unnecessary information, because those feelings are long gone and didn't show themselves today either. However... I must admit I craned around to squint at her about 20 times before I took heart and approached her, if she noticed, that may have added to her apprehensiveness, but I really didn't want to be mistaken. The dialogue was as follows:

"Hello! I'm sorry for disturbing, but while I hope I'm not mistaken... aren't you A.?"

"No, that's correct! Hello again."

"Wow, we haven't seen since ages ago!"

"Yes, strange what places you can meet again. I hope you have fun." (already proceeds to walk away)

"Oh, uh, okay, yes, you have fun, too."

And gone. We bumped into each other a couple more times, but she made sure to never look at me and acknowledge my attempt at at least nodding at her. Quite a bummer, since I hoped I could at least get in to ask what she has been up to all these years or... anything really. On the other hand I can understand that she really didn't want to do any of that while going around with her boyfriend/husband (that I may or may not have mistaken for her father initially, until I noticed them cuddling with his hand at her butt as they stood in front of me in a queue...). On the other hand, I can't help but wonder that her skittishness at engaging with me may have been a late return of my status as "the victim" as I'm very used to former classmates having to pretend not to know me as to protect their social status, so she might have been embarrassed at me daring to approach her like this and just wanted me to be away. This is literally how I'm used to such chance meetings proceeding almost every time, just me greeting them and them turning away embarrassed. And here I also caught a quite distinct "don't want to talk" vibe from her. Which... is a bit disappointing as I consider a main point for my confused feelings towards her back then to have to do with my perception that I thought she acted relatively unaffected by it towards me after the direct bullying ended. Should I rethink that?

Or am I overthinking and in such a situation it's far too much of me to ask for even a little talk?

[3CityApache]

@Toth I remember kinda similar situation few years back. There was this girl I worked with and we seemed to be getting along just fine. We liked talking to each other and maybe I could even call it flirting a bit, though it never became anything serious on either part whatsoever, and never went outside of work. Then she quit the job and I forgot about her. Few years later I bumped into her unexpectedly in a store. I wanted to talk for a few minutes and catch up asking her how she's been, but she cleraly felt uncomfortably and cut the conversation quickly. Then I saw she was in a store with her partner, which probably could be the reason for her awkwardness, but I couldn't understand why. I was just a former colleague and even if we felt somewhat attracted to each other, we never did anything about it. But there it was. I guess what I'm trying to say is there is probably no point trying to over analyze such encounters.

Edited July 24, 2023 by 3CityApache

[Maithanet]

Anytime you encounter anyone in public and they seem worried about a very mundane interaction (as outlined by both toth and apache), there's a real possibility that abuse is a factor.  Not a guarantee by any means, but something to think about. 

My brother in law was in an abusive relationship with his gf for many years, to the point where if my wife wanted to talk to him she had to call thier landline and say "hi, this is Steve's sister, can I talk to him?"

[Liffguard]

On 7/21/2023 at 10:03 PM, Toth said:

Or am I overthinking

Yes, I think you are.

 

Quote

and in such a situation it's far too much of me to ask for even a little talk?

No, it's not too much to ask, it's a reasonable thing to desire and ask for, but you might not get a positive answer.

Maybe she didn't want to talk to you specifically. Or maybe she just didn't want to talk generally. Maybe she was just grumpy for some other reason. Who knows? It was a low-stakes, casual social encounter that felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable. I'd say try not to read the tea leaves for deeper meaning that probably isn't there. Shrug and move on.

[Toth]

4 hours ago, 3CityApache said:

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is probably no point trying to over analyze such encounters.

Yeah, I guess that's wise. Doesn't help being bummed out about it though.

2 hours ago, Maithanet said:

Anytime you encounter anyone in public and they seem worried about a very mundane interaction (as outlined by both toth and apache), there's a real possibility that abuse is a factor.  Not a guarantee by any means, but something to think about. 

Eh, that's a bit harsh. I don't want to assume anything that extreme. In fact the situation reminded me of a scene quite a few years ago where I met a fellow student from university in the train with her boyfriend and we started chatting, with him looking rather left out, just uncomfortably sitting there glancing at us without saying anything beyond the initial introduction. It is quite possible she just wanted to avoid such a situation with her partner.

1 hour ago, Liffguard said:

Maybe she didn't want to talk to you specifically. Or maybe she just didn't want to talk generally. Maybe she was just grumpy for some other reason. Who knows? It was a low-stakes, casual social encounter that felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable. I'd say try not to read the tea leaves for deeper meaning that probably isn't there. Shrug and move on.

True.

 

Still causes me a bit to retcon how I saw her back then, because in my memory she seemed rather unconcerned about goofing off with guys, me or others. Though admittedly, our interactions were rather sparse if not for anything initiated by her and I ended up avoiding her on top of that for a while because of my confusion.

Edited July 24, 2023 by Toth

[Heartofice]

Sometimes people are just awkward and don't deal with surprising social encounters very well, and would much rather get the fuck out of there than want to have a difficult conversation with someone they don't know.

One thing I've learnt as I got older is that peoples reactions are almost always due to something internal going on with them, and to never take slight rudeness personally. Other people really are almost always thinking about how they come across to other people rather than the other way round.

 

[Spockydog]

One thing I've learnt in my fifty-five years on this planet is that nobody owes me a goddam thing. Especially a crush who is obviously out with her boyfriend.

 

Edited July 25, 2023 by Spockydog

[Toth]

4 hours ago, Spockydog said:

One thing I've learnt in my fifty-five years on this planet is that nobody owes me a goddam thing. Especially a crush who is obviously out with her boyfriend.

Yeah, sorry. I should go back to expecting that people are embarrassed of knowing me and focus on the pleasant surprise when someone isn't.

[Larry of the Lawn]

6 hours ago, Toth said:

Yeah, sorry. I should go back to expecting that people are embarrassed of knowing me and focus on the pleasant surprise when someone isn't.

Focusing on the positives is good.

It's easy to assume people are embarrassed of knowing you when you're not feeling great about yourself, but it's rarely the case.  As mentioned previously, there are plenty of reasons for people to be short, embarrassed, distracted, uncomfortable, and sometimes it's a good idea to step back and remember that it probably actually has nothing to do with you.

You're probably much more normal and socially innocuous than you feel.  You're clearly an intelligent and insightful guy that cares about the world and feels things pretty deeply.  Other people are going to feel just as awkward and uncomfortable in some social situations as you do.

  Easy as it is to do, I know it's not great for my mental health to ascribe intent to people's social behavior in a casual social seetting unless it's an established pattern or a clear reaction to something I've done.  There are so many reasons for someone not to behave exactly as we expect and it's not usually helpful to let the imagination dream up worst case scenarios as to why that might be the case.  

It's not going to be productive to dwell or speculate about her stand-off-ish-ness.  

[Erik of Hazelfield]

So today was the big day. Maybe not a huge surprise after having been together for almost five years, having a kid and having bought a house together…

… but she said yes!  

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

Congrats you sly dog!

[Sw33t Summ3r Ch1ld]

I am ceasing dating apps in hopes that I am going to find the man of my dreams somewhere out in the open, out in the fields. Jim and Pam in the Office have the romance that I would love to have. I have found the conviction to say no to these apps! I feel like it's going to get me farther than if I kept using them. I believe that I could find love my way, so I'm going to wait until some guy approaches me after we get to know each other. The dating apps were such a stagnant point in my life getting me nowhere fast and I would look at them every day. The exercise made me a little frazzled and I do not believe I would push my experience on anyone else. 

[A Horse Named Stranger]

6 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I was weak, today, and did not walk out when I should have. Then again, I need to do things like talk about my feelings. But for god’s sake, why, why, why do I possibly keep making bad decisions? 

You make them to keep this thread going. No, I am not gonna pry.

[Tears of Lys]

On 6/30/2023 at 1:16 PM, Madame deVenoge said:

Oh my…I am not in a good place right now.

Last night, I was out with friends, and the Doctor called. I answered, and he said “what are you doing?” And I said “out and about, can I call you back?” And he said something kind of short and dismissive, and hung up the phone,

I went outside 5 minutes later and tried to call him back; no answer. I called at 11:30 this morning, when he was supposed to be done with work. No answer. I texted “is everything ok?” No answer.

We were supposed to go to Charleston, today. I don’t know if that’s happening. I might be really paranoid, but did I get broken up with??

 

On 9/4/2023 at 12:08 PM, Madame deVenoge said:

Hahahaha!!!

Ok, I wrote the above in a moment of stress and weakness, and didn’t want to be too descriptive because I don’t want to taint anyone’s opinion of the Doctor.

We leave for a nine-day trip to Hawaii on Wednesday to visit his best friend from medical school. We are staying at his house. Apparently, they have four cats and two dogs. 

I shall update y’all either in the interim if there is drama, or at the end of it, if good adventures were had and if I don’t leave him

Are you interested in this guy just for shits and giggles, or do you (in the back of your mind) think he's a keeper?  (I haven't read the entire thread, so if you've clarified this already, forgive me.)

To me, it sounds like he's a bit easily butt-hurt, has a more than healthy sized ego, has exhibited some mild abusive tendencies.  He IS a doctor, right?  Those guys don't make good marriage material, if that's what you're looking for.  You want to spend your time with him being called away at a moment's notice, spending more time with nurses than with you?  

I'm probably full of crap and my imagination is running away with me, and projecting too much(!) 

[A Horse Named Stranger]

Wasn't that like the original lyrics to that John Lennon song?

 

Imagine he's on call, leaving the wedding, no toast only rush

Just imagine all the nurses. Lying in his arms. Yoo-hoo, ooh-ooh.

Some may I am projectin', aaaaahhh, But I'm not the only one. I hope a nurse will join us. With camera and strap-on.

 

Edited September 5, 2023 by A Horse Named Stranger

[Raja]

3 hours ago, Tears of Lys said:

 

 Those guys don't make good marriage material,

Me just reading this thread on a day off and catching strays from Tears of Lys

[IheartIheartTesla]

#NotAllDoctors

PS- I am also a doctor.

A doctor of philosophy, though, which per its original Greek meaning is a 'love of wisdom. In other words, a love doctor. How can you say we dont make good marriage material?

[Raja]

3 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

I’m sure that you are a perfect catch

You're damn right, I am.

As for contributing to the thread; No one wants to hear about how I inadvertently went on a date with someone that does not believe in vaccines

Edited September 6, 2023 by Raja

[Mr. Chatywin et al.]

12 minutes ago, Raja said:

You're damn right, I am.

As for contributing to the thread; No one wants to hear about how I went on a date with someone that does not believe in vaccines

 Nah we really do. 

[mcbigski]

9 hours ago, A Horse Named Stranger said:

Imagine he's on call, leaving the wedding, no toast only rush

Just imagine all the nurses. Lying in his arms. Yoo-hoo, ooh-ooh.

Some may I am projectin', aaaaahhh, But I'm not the only one. I hope a nurse will join us. With camera and strap-on.

 

Well that escalated!

6 hours ago, Madame deVenoge said:

It’s that I have to decide what do I want. Do I want someone being somewhat cruel in telling me that he doesn’t like my clothing (for example). He can be very hurtful in that way.

That itself shouldn't be a huge deal.  Wardrobe costs ought not break either of you.  Apart from your parenthetical there, seems like a very minor problem with a very simple fix.  Though the 'for example' makes me wonder. From what I've seen you have a very solid sense of how to present yourself well.

Or maybe it's all a strong versus secure ego question on his part.

4 hours ago, IheartIheartTesla said:

A doctor of philosophy, though, which per its original Greek meaning is a 'love of wisdom. In other words, a love doctor. How can you say we dont make good marriage material?

I'm not attempting to speak for Chats here, but it may very well depend on just what sort of Greek loving.